I finally realised what he really is.

More of a vent because I’m mentally exhausted.
Been with my partner for 12 years. Got 2 kids together. Most of our relationship has been full of ups and downs. Sometimes I feel so frustrated and hurt by him and other times I feel really loved. Alot of the stuff he’s done never really made sense to me as to why he did it to me, but then it wouldn’t be long and I would feel in love with him all over again. One day I was listening to a friend’s conversation about a narcissist and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My partner is a narcissist. It took me so long to figure it out. Then everything made so much sense. Why he got angry over nothing on special occasions, why he was blaming me for everything, why he was doing everything opposite to what I wanted. Just everything. Why he was saying things that I “had said”, but I didn’t really say them, why he made things up that I had said, why he had cheated on me but turned it around and said that I was crazy and needed help. When I look back on our entire relationship, I realise that the whole thing is just one big lie. I realise that he’s probably actually never really loved me. I know now why I developed such terrible anxiety. I’ve never put 2 and 2 together. I realised why I have to constantly have to try and keep him happy. And now that I’ve worked it out, I have to pretend that everything he tries to do to hurt me, doesn’t hurt me. I have to “boast” his ego so he can’t do it. I have to not argue with a single thing he says, because now I know that he only argues with me because he enjoys seeing me upset.
I am so mentally and emotionally exhausted. My mind is one big mess. I cry in the shower so he doesn’t know I’m upset. He is toxic.