How do I deal with an ex wife who is controlling but constantly changes her mind. I love my partner and his two kids but the ex is putting a wedge. I need help with the most recent.
My partner and I live 40min away and when talking about moving in I was moving to him so he didn’t loose out on seeing his kids and it didn’t affect her. Well fast forward she met someone and has moved near me so my partner moved in with me so all good no issues.
Issue is school starts the 22nd and she no longer wants to send them to a school near her due to rumours she has heard. So asked we enrol them near us which I did quickly and started getting school stuff to help her out as she hadn’t moved yet.
Last night get an abusive message from her last night and now she has decided to send them to a private school and said we owe her $4300 by mid Feb for the school fees.
My question is can she do this and make us pay? Currently private cs agreement where we pay $100 less but go halves in everything she buys for the kids so we end up paying more now. I want to tell my partner to just pay her the cs amount and be done with it. Sick of getting receipts for items from shops with no explanation except you owe me half.
Anyone been in this situation and been able to help. We try and be nice with her eg was our yr for Xmas but she wanted them back for family stuff so we agreed to a few days and the kids came back so tired and grumpy we couldn’t do stuff for two days with them while they rested.
16 Replies
I had sympathy for you until I read the last sentence, I'm sure you and your partner are part of the problem too. You also left out the reason for the email.
He doesn't have to pay the school fees. Even though it may be more i would switch to CSA collect and ask your husband to ask her not to discuss cs with either of you anymore or ask payments for anything unless really needed. If school fees were not discussed and agreed to by both parties then he does not and should not pay.
He needs to manage all things related to her, and you need to keep your distance and communication to an absolute minimum.
It will be a lot less stressful for everyone involved.
It's probably a good idea for your partner to formalise child support etc. Their agreement is open to her taking advantage of the situation and he should have sorted this ages ago. Now she is going to blame you when he tries to be fair.
Did the kids go to private school before they moved? She can't make unilateral decisions and expect dad to find the money without prior agreement, but because their agreement was so loose she thinks she can. He can say no, but things are going to get nasty.
Maybe the father isn't about minimising child support like most of them and actually wants to financially support his kids. Maybe he doesn't see it as "taking advantage", but instead " providing for his children". Maybe he cares and is happy with the agreement.
You sound way over involved for a step and that’s the problem. They’re both moving and sorting out kids - it’s hard. You shouldn’t have gone and shopped or anything. Just stay out of it. And stay out of their agreement. If the schools not what they want, yes she can enrol them in private school. And he will probably want to contribute for his child’s education, that’s something for him to work out, not for you to jump up and down over the way you were told. And yes, children are tired and grumpy with all the changes, that goes both ways, it’s the child who pays.
Let them sort out their affairs between themselves.
You say "we' a lot "we" are paying and you've only just moved in with the guy. I think "he" is paying. You pay your share, he pays his of household expenses and it doesn't affect you. Or is "he" now supporting you and your kids? The irony....
Maybe they are approaching all expenses as household expenses and all income as household income. No his and hers. That's what happens in our house regardless of who earned more or had higher overheads at any given time. Hubby and I have been married 15 years, but we operated like this from the moment we moved in together, which was 6 weeks after we started dating.
I think it's healthy for her to see it as a joint cost. It means they will work together to ensure that he supports his kids and other things in their life don't trump those costs.
My parents were divorced. Both of my parents remarried and both households were equally involved with kids... Biological and step. Finances were all joint too. Whilst I'm not separated, I have friends who have that have repartnered. The ones that are stable and the kids are really settled just treat all kids in the family equally. Both adults are responsibke for household finances, general decisions, discipline etc equally. Doesn't matter if it's mum's or dad's kids etc
If she's just moved in with the guy and has such strong opinions on how much he should spend on his child, asking advice like it's her decision, then she should take a step back and manage her own money. If she feels like "her" money is going towards his child, she's going to become one of those resentful step mums. We all know them, the ones who hate paying child support, even though in most cases, they don't earn the money. It doesn't mean they'll work together, it means she'll ensure her kids get theirchop before bio child. She's just moved in and already lobbying on a public forum to get as much ammunition to takr back to partner on why bio child doesn't deserve to go private school. If a partner told me I couldn't pay private school fees for my own child, I would get rid of them. No one tells me what is best for my child and what I'm allowed to spend on them.
I also note she didn't mention why bio mum feels this school is best for this child, the child's best interests are irrelevant to her, she just sees the dollars.
If they’re sharing all money then she needs to start counting that kid as hers and factor that expense into her budget. That’s why it’s too soon, she doesn’t and she resents it. I know first kids cause a financial hardship on second wives and second families. She needs to realise this will never go away.
They also have an agreement that works for them and she's decided it's all too hard, who is she to change the current system? She needs to learn her place.
You don't need an explanation, it's a receipt, it tells you what was bought, that's the point of it.
This is their agreement, keep out of it, you've just moved in, they have probably being doing it this way long before you came along.
Living close to his child benefits HIM and the CHILD, not her.
This is not a you problem or how you feel. This is ultimately about the children and decisions are only to made by the parents. Your job is to stay on the sidelines and observe. You only support your partner. Stay in your lane and encourage your partner to do the right thing. He should be financially and emotionally supporting his children regardless of what child support agreement he has with the mother of his children.
You don't have to pay the school fees. That's not how it works. She doesn't get to make unilateral decisions and then demand payment. She doesn't get to decided that that school is best for the kids without their dads input. She can go jump.
Speak to your partner about it and how that much money will affect you both. Let him make a decision and either support him or (if it causes resentment) it's time to reasses the relationship.
Get your partner to call CSA and smcheck with them butvif he hasn't signed any of the school forms then he doesn't have to pay private school fees.
My husband went throught this. He called CSA and asked them. They said all he legally had to pay was the child support amount. He did pay for half of sport fees, school camps or excursions, bought school books and any extras we needed at home but he never paid any of the private school fees as his ex decided to send him there without talking to hubby.
Everyone saying "she's taking advantage"....
She hasn't asked for a new car or holiday, she wants him to help fund THEIR children's education, what a joke.