Hi guys. (Possible trigger warning, also long post)
I am needing some help with an issue.
I am battling with Manic Depression, & ASD/ADHD/PTSD/OCD
I am of victim sexual abuse. As a child, preteen & young adolescent.
My point to this post, is I need advice to help to clear my mental load.
My psychologist is helping me to build up my life and to get past the trauma, issues and events that have happened in my life.
Now here is my dilemma. I am trying to get closure on events that I have experienced in my life to build up from some of the mistakes I have made, and the trauma events.
In my 20’s I made the mistake of pursuing my boss. We were both single women. We talked via sms multiple times a day. She was my safe spot at a vulnerable time in my life. As I getting flashbacks of my abuse that I had blocked out. As my job was working with children. I made a mistake by having a sexual experience with my boss. It was one sided. It was kind of like pretty woman relationship stuff.
I was told not to tell anyone. I held my tongue for 6 months. But it came out as I blackmailed by a friends boyfriend. So it was shared with my coworkers to let her know that everyone knew.
I broke her trust. I also broke my heart & soul. As I was hurt in a different way. I was yelled at, for sharing it to coworkers to avoid it being told to bosses parents. So I chose the option that would cause her the less amount of pain & judgement.
This is my one eff up that I am trying to fix. As it’s became another form of trauma & caused me to have PTSD.
I am just trying to get through every traumatic situation/experience to be able to live my life. As right now, I am not. I am just a shell, I am tied by endless bounds of rope that is strangling me.
Every trauma is being broken down, finding ways to repair it. I have tried everything to get past my sexual abuse traumas with a few I have overcome with the help. One event I haven’t overcome but that will be a longer journey. I have forgiven the abusers. I just haven’t forgotten, I am just learning how to make a bridge to cross it, and keep it flowing away, and releasing the fear.
But I can’t get over the trauma that I created in someone else. As I blame myself, so I am full of so much self hatred, resentment, and I self sabotage.
I need to get past this all. As I need to be a better wife to my lovely wife. She deserves me to be whole, and be able to have a life with me, that’s not sunk in my deep
Depression black hole. My children also deserve a mother who is strong, who can pick them up and show them how to be a phoenix to rise above our trauma, bullies to fly high and shine bright.
I have reached out to my old boss so many times. To apologise to give my reasons to why I broke her. I need this closure. As I have been carrying this for close to 20 years. I just need to let it go. But I can’t until she talks to me or acknowledges my feelings and my apology. (Sorry as being autistic I need to be able to have her understand that I didn’t plan this, and for her to acknowledge that I have tried to make amends for the painful experience I caused her)
3 Replies
I think you need to also be ok with not getting “closure”. She may not want to revisit this with you! 20years is a long time. Your need is not hers.
Or maybe you can get closure without her contacting her.
The thing is you did what you did. You are not likely to repeat it as you have grown and are self aware of your patterns and tendencies. Maybe draw closure from your growth rather than from the external validation of your boss.
The best you may get is that you tried. Sometimes the blocks are self imposed! It is ok to let yourself off the hook now. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. We evolve we adapt your not the same person you were 20 years ago. You wouldn’t do things the same now.
You did something wrong 20 years ago, you need to learn to forgive yourself. The kindest thing you can do for this woman is leave her be, she may not want to rehash a very painful time in her life. To this lady, your intentions at the time or the how/why's are irrelevant as it doesn't change the outcome of the situstion. Pursuing her is actually selfish because you are putting your own wants/needs above hers, which is to remain in no contact with you. I wish you luck with your recovery, you're a brave warrior xxx
Leave her alone. You did something that hurt her. You do not get to decide what you need and try and force it on her. This is a you problem and you need to find a way to get closure via you. Stop using your autism as an excuse to retraumatise someone because of what you need. Grow up, be an adult and take responsibility for the crappy thing you did instead of trying to force her to make you feel better 🙄 so bloody selfish!
Work with your psychologist to stop being so selfish and understand that closure is not about getting what you want. You need to go alot more therapy. But above all stop HARRASSING this poor person. Leave her alone and deal with this with your psychologist.