I have 2 beautiful boys 13 and 10. I am so grateful, they are happy and healthy and we are a very loving family, spending all our time together.
I feel a hole in my heart and wish so much for a little girl. Here is a bit of my story.
I come from a big family of 4 sisters. We (sisters and mum) are and always have been close. We lean on each other when we need to and always have fun together. The brother inlaws and cousins are all close as well.
My husband is 10 years older than me and it has never been an issue. (I don't know if this is our issue). He doesn't want anymore children as he says he doesn't want to be an old dad (48 now).
I am worried that one day I will regret not trying for a girl and having another child. I feel I may resent him if we don't try.
Am I feeling this more now as my boys get older and need me less? Am I going to feel lonely? Big family more love!
My husband and I are so happy in our relationship. Now the kids are getting older and don't need us every minute of the day, we enjoy spending more time just us. And I wonder if having another child will put a wedge between us..
I know this is totally a personal and individual choice. But I'm just after hearing from other experiences.
Thank you
🙂
10 Replies
Obviously no guarantees you’ll have a girl? You may have twin boys!! You may have a girl that later identifies as a boy! There are no certainties. If you wanted another child then go for it, but if you’re doing it to hopefully have a girl you might be disappointed.
I get it, but you never know what gender, or relationship, you'll get. My friend has four adult daughters and three are lifelong daddy's girls.
My son's 11 and definitely needs me less but we are still close. He's currently folding the clothes after getting them off the line as I'm unwell.
As for your husband's perspective, I'm mid 40's, husband has just turned 50. Our conversations, both between us & with others, are turning to retirement planning & the thought of another baby is horrifying. Retirement funding becomes a priority when one of you turns 50. In my late 30's/early 40's I didn't think of retirement at all.
My daughter's friends mum had 3 girls and her husband desperately wanted a boy (she didn't want more kids) but he wore her down until she agreed to have another and they ended up having twin girls! I would just stick with the two you have (you will probably end up with granddaughters anyway) :)
I have a 15 year old and teenagers get soooo busy. I certainly would not add a baby in that!
You want a baby for the wrong reasons, so I don't think you should go through with that.
The pregnancy/baby/toddler stage is horrendous, we forget what it's really like after our kids get older but don't be fooled, don't let your hormones kidnap you!
Eight years and you have 2 adult kids! Even less than that before you can go away for the weekend and not have to worry about them! It's an awesome stage of life to be at.
Comes down to if your husband wants another and you respecting his choice if he doesn’t want more.
My mother and I are basically acquaintances. A child's gender doesn't actually guarantee that close bond you're yearning for.
I was the girl my mother desperately wanted, biologically speaking at least. I definitely never fit the mould of what she wanted her little girl to be though. I felt very misunderstood and unseen growing up, let's put it that way.
I also have a friend who is the third daughter, a daughter her father deeply hoped was a son. Again, they barely speak.
I generally believe that people have this longing for a child of a particular gender for very stereotypical and sometimes selfish reasons. I often hear things like:
"Oh, I want a little boy I can take fishing and play trucks with".
"I need a son to carry on the family name".
"Boys love their mums more".
"I want a girl so I can paint her nails and dress her in pink".
"I can't wait to have a daughter, she'll be my mini best friend".
If I may be so bold, I don't think you actually want another child. I think you want the idea of a daughter. Big differentiation there and not necessarily a good reason to have another child when there's so many different ways that it might not turn out the way you hope.
That's not even taking into consideration this all might be moot anyway if your husband is adamantly against it.
As someone who's in the thick of the teenage phase, I was NOT prepared for how hectic it can be.
While they are a lot less dependent on you for basic survival, they do still need a lot of your time, attention and emotional energy (more so than ever before in many ways).
I mean, you're teaching them a whole bunch of new life skills, they're navigating new relationships (and not all of those relationships will be healthy ones), they're discovering themselves, they're testing boundaries, their schooling/education is a lot more intensive, they also need a lot of guidance as they start transitioning into adulthood and facing big life decisions.
I could not envision adding a baby or toddler into that mix.
My daughter's best friend actually has a couple of baby siblings, she fends for herself quite a lot...
I'm 46, absolutely with hubby, no way would I want a baby st this life stage. If you resent the man you love for not having a baby when hes two years off 50, rather than understand and respect his view point, is it really love? People love their spouses and don't resent them over some pretty major things, if this is your breaking point, your relationship/love isn't as solid as you think. Plus you want this for all the wrong reasons, really selfish reasons actually.
oh and stop trying to recreate what you had and have a look at what's right in front of you. two boys, who are probably going to be close and create great memories together and probably confide in their mum, even as adults. you're creating a loving home, so you'll be really close. it's a different dynamic, but not less than.
A geriatric pregnancy for you with no guarantee of a girl and a higher rate of disabilities. Introducing a newborn to a household when your eldest will be starting senior highschool? Ruining any chance of being able to retire financially at an age when you're likely to still be fit and healthy and active? Having a husband with a high schooler when he's on his way to being 70? None of this is a good idea.