At a loss with my teenage son.
Bit of a back story. Stepped away from week on week off with my kids for 2 years while my partner battled cancer then passed away as I was his full time carer. My ex partner had our children and I saw them when we were home from treatment. (We lived 5 hours away while he was battling cancer due to no treatment available in our town).
My oldest son now 13 is out of control. I feel like he hates me. He is rude and disobedient to me. He actually like his father is some sort of idol. His dad smokes drugs and has recently gone into the swinging scene with his partner often leaving my son at home alone for 3 nights to attend swinging events.
My son thinks this is acceptable and constantly tells me I’m the bad parent and what his dad does is nothing to do with me.
His dad and his dad’s partner barely work and I work full time. I am constantly criticised for working full time and made to feel terrible when I don’t attend school things which are during work hours.
I am asked to pay for everything because I work.
My son refuses to anything to help while with me and he does not clean his room. He swears and calls me names. I am the “worst parent in the world” because I discipline him while his father doesn’t.
He has come home drunk previously and constantly getting suspended from
School. He steals his dad’s vapes and I suspect his drugs as well.
I am ready to tell him to live with his dad full time because I am literally done. He has me in tears pretty much every day. Am I doing the right thing?
9 Replies
You made a huge mistake, you left your child full time with a druggie, bludger feral man with a similar partner. I live in a rural area and I'm sorry about your partner, but I know many families that juggle kids and family members with cancer. When they're away, they usually don't need a carer either. No matter the circumstances, I wouldn't have done that, I probably wouldn't even allow 50/50, if he challenged it, I would get court approved drug yesting. You dropped the ball, if he were a decent human, it may have worked, with a lot of communication from you, to stop your kids feeling abandoned. Your child is hurt and angry that you left them and instead of rebuilding the relationship, youre going to throw your hands up in the air and walkaway. If you do, you will lose him forever and unless youre a narcissist, you will live to regret it. Have you apologised to your son? Said maybe you could have been gone less and been there more for him? I can't tell you how healing an apology from a parent can be. You've got work to do, dig deep, get all the supports you need, or walk away, better for the child in the long run, than a half arsed parent. You post is all about your problems/hardships, nothing about what he is experiencing.
Their dad hasn’t always been a druggie and certainly not when I left them to nurse my partner. This is only since he has had his new girlfriend
Interesting and convenient that when you left the kids with him full time he was a model parent = you good mum, but since you're back and have 50/50 custody, he is suddenly a terrible parent = you good mum.
You seem to be under the impression that parenting can be put on hold if you have other things you deem more important, or it gets a bit hard. I suspect your child sees this too.
I work full time and manage to attend most important school events too, as do most of us working mums.
It's clear your child is screaming to be prioritized, whilst you keep making excuses.
i would focus less on chores and orders and more on rebuilding the connection.
It's a week, you can clean his room when he goes to his dad's.
I would try to get involved in his hobbies, spend quality time together, goes places he enjoys etc.
i would under absolutely no circumstances bag his dad or talk negatively about him, he sees his dad as the one who is always there for him.
I would pick my battles, drinking/drugs at 13 would be a problem, wouldn't give a shit about the little stuff for now.
Kids actually behave well for parents when they feel loved/respected and they have a good connection, you fix the relationship, you're on the way to fixing the behaviour.
Terminal cancer is so hard and I'm so sorry you're being made to feel like the bad person here for putting your partner first when he was dying.
I think you need to wipe the slate clean with your son, stop discussing your ex with him. If he is saying you've done him wrong then take accountability and apologise for it, don't try and brush it off because you think Dad is worse. In his world, Dad is not the worst so by you pointing out flaws only makes him become more defensive. Try and get communication happening with Dad and his partner to try and get on top of behaviour especially alcohol and drug use.
My stepsons' mum stepped away her two boys after she found a new partner. Literally just went from a great relationship of 50/50 to 0/100. And you know what, it freaking devastated the children. This was 8 years ago and those kids are adults now. We have done our absolute best to surround them with love and support, and they are truly amazing young men.
You need to learn to parent this "monster child" and one day "your" child will come back to you. But you will need get get help and support - lean on Headspace, your son's school and mental health services for direction. You need to apologise for abandoning him when he needed you. And I get it, it doesn't seem fair that your partner passed away, but you are this child's mum. It is in your power to nurture him, to change the trajectory of his future if you don't think he's heading the right way. You don't give up when things get truly shit. Parenting is hard. Some days it really, really sucks. But you don't give up on your children, especially when they need you the most
I just wanted to respond to the comments re: you being a fair weather parent. I agree with others that your son is crying out for help even if he doesn't realise it and you should step up not back. I also think that in hindsight, you could have supported your partner around your 50/50 care by coming back. Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20 and you were likely distressed and you're probably grieving now. I think that the comments in this post are accurate but some are a tad harsh to read. If you're considering stepping back because you're overwhelmed, maybe seek professional support so that you have more resilience and can do what is needed.
No, please do not give full time care to his father yet. You will confirm what your son may already be thinking e.g. 'my mum doesn't care about me, noone cares about me, they just dump me and go out, mum left me' etc. This needs consistent effort over time.
Your son is probably very well suffering from some abandonment issues and right at an age when he is trying to figure out who he is. My kids did and it was just because I was working too many hours. I owned that crap but geez did I see the damage.
So my answer is: reconnect. You cannot walk back in and just pick right back up where you were. You need to reassure him. You need to apologise and say I know it would have been so hard for you and I'm proud of you for managing while I was gone. Short sentences and randomly! Usually while playing UNO or doing something FUN together.
You can absolutely turn this around, even seeing a Psychologist yourself for guidance can help (if he will not go). But do not quit on him. Let him know he is worth it and deserves better than the life his father is showing him by example, not by words.
Whenever you approach your son, keep thinking reconnect. Harsh discipline is probably far off when he has been left to run wild. Try to compromise where you can.
On a final note do not assume he is not grieving in his own way. Your partner left him too. Maybe he wanted to be there and was told no. So many things could be going on here... please do not give up. My son came back towards wanting to be around me and my ex sounds very similar x