Coercive control/ abuse continuing after divorce.
Help please. After many years of verbal/ emotional abuse, I finally got up the courage 2.5 years ago to leave my abusive ex. He was only ever abusive to me, not my sons and the boys tell me he hasn't been abusive to them since. We have a parenting plan in place that is 50/50.
Ever since though, the verbal abuse to me has continued. From multiple abusive texts per day ( up to 30) to video calls to turning up at my house shouting at me. I have had an AVO put out on him in the past but it made his behaviour worse afterwards. My boys are getting older now and understand what their Dad is doing but previously, they were too young and so they still wanted to see their Dad all the time. Dad buys their love with gifts and lack of discipline. Dad also tells the kids lies about me that I don't love them etc even though anyone who spends a minute with me knows that's not true.
I thought I could move on after divorce and the abuse would stop but it hasn't. I have thought about going to court but he is so manipulative /charming that I worry that he could convince the court with his lies that he is the better parent and I would lose even more custody of my boys. I have also heard that after 12, the kids can decide who they live with and I am absolutely terrified that he will brainwash them to pick him.
What can I do???
4 Replies
Go back to the police and get another avo or have the conditions tightened because that is harassment and go back to mediation and have all communication organised through a parenting app or a book and phone calls and texts for emergency only.
Sending you lots of love!
I did not go through court because I did not want my kids forced to see him until 18. I've seen the damage that creates. My teens don't want to see him now so I do not have any regrets. He hasn't got a leg to stand on even if he tries. Because my teens were old enough, I told him to contact them direct from now on and grey rocked him. Now they ignore his phone calls and I finally have some relief. I also avoided mediation, it is often not appropriate for victims of DV as they tend to agree to feel less intimidated. Not saying to follow my journey or that it will help but just sharing how I survived x
I agree with avoiding meditation, my social worker suppported me through and spoke up on my behalf saying that the it would add to my trauma and result in me feeling rail roaded again.
I am glad to hear you finally have some relief, stay strong mamma!😊
Firstly it's great to hear you had the courage to leave an abusive relationship, it is one of the hardest things to do and you've made the right decision for yourself and the kids.
I was 13 years in before I almost checked out for good when I realised that I couldn't leave my kids to grow up to be narcissists like their father.
Standing up against emotional, financial and coercive abuse is extremely tiring and painful and trying to prove it makes so much worse. I am 5.5years out of that relationship and just had my divorce granted as I was scared to it thinking everything will kick off again.
I've had multiple IVO's and understand it's a shit process however it is worth having.
Document everything because even if it doesn't help now it's there when your children are old enough to understand. Try not to say anything unkind about their father and teach them how to recognise nasty behaviours as one day hopefully they will see this themselves. Also try to link yourself in with a social worker, I went through United and they got me onto a lot of resources for myself and the kids.
My ex has also brought the kids, talked negatively about and continued to try and mess with me and my head. I have stood my ground and stuck with my parenting beliefs my kids have pushed back at me not buying everything or allowing them to do whatever they want when they want but I now have a 15y that has seen the truth about their father and realised that all the above I have done to protect them and help to know what love and respect should be, hopefully therefore breaking the cycle.
It is a long and tedious process and chances are your ex will continue to kick off however stick to your morals and beliefs, ask for help when needed and continue to even if at first you don't get it. It does get easier it takes time and a network of people around you will help.
Also remember to self love and care because are important and you matter.
I hope this helps and I'm happy to listen if you need an ear❤️