Hi all,
Has anyone experienced a child with oppositional defiance disorder? My daughter now 10 has always been a very strong willed child. She's such a kind caring nature when she wants to be but unfortunately in some settings the 'bully' or 'leader' I've had countless parents raise concerns with her being a 'bully' but she's also got a lot of friends too. I'm stuck with what to do. I had a psychologist refferal to see if they can help at all. The GP mentioned potentially the ODD or ADHD (her brother is diagnosed with ADHD). She is a great kid but there are more times she's 'defiant' than not. She's got a great life, I'm not a strict mum but have rules ect so it's not like she's can't do anything and her dad and step mum are great so two healthy households. She's not accountable but if she's done the wrong thing I tailor it in a way of ' you could have made better choices so let's chat about what happened ' so she's not yelled at ect but I'm firm when needed . Please help with strong willed girls!
At times if I talk to her to address a parents bullying concern she always blames others and leads with ' I hate this world, I don't want to be here' which makes me confused with how to go about things.
5 Replies
'you could have made better choices, let's chat about what happened' is what i use for my well-behaved, mild-mannered child who makes the occasional mistake.
if your kid has been labelled a bully by parents, then the behaviour is intentional and spiteful and needs to be handled much more sternly, with a verbal thrashing and punishments that hurt i.e. taking away things she cares about.
there also needs to be a lot of discussions around empathy and modelling by you i.e. helping the old lady carry her shopping to the car etc. it can't be a one-off it needs to be talked about/shown constantly, because some kids are not naturally that way inclined and need it to be taught to them.
raising a child with empathy, in my books is the single most important thing we can do as a parent, more important than piano lessons or dance classes, yet it's often overlooked.
you also need to ensure she isn't being bullied or belittled in her own homes and that everything is okay in her little world and there aren't any underlying issues troubling her.
it can be a case of a child feeling a lack of control in their own life or unhappy and they bully to feel better about themselves.
really check yourself and how you talk about others in her company. this whole 2 healthy households may not be the case, dig deep, it can be subtle and by saying that, you are absolving yourself and the other household of all responsibility and putting all the blame on her, a bit of a cop out to me.
also, bully girls often have lots of friends, don't let that fool you, because it's safer for kids to be her friend than enemy.
it's a complex problem, one that isn't solved easily, it takes a methodical approach.
also, she may have learnt if she says "i hate this world etc" she gets out of being in trouble and accountable for her actions.
I have a zero tolerance for bullying behaviour and would make that much clearer than 'you could have made better choices '. I also don't tolerate manipulation, which her response is. I'd very clearly explain that if she really hates her life, it might be because of the way she treats others and that if she changes her actions, those of the people around her might also improve. Accountability is important.
agree, when your child is causing other kids to suffer, it's a whole different ball game, needs much more than making better choices blah blah.
this why our kids are hurt by other kids, because the parents are too soft and refer to them as leaders.
IMO not likely to be ODD but just poor parenting, the kid rules the roost, she throws out a few choice words and that shuts down the convo.
your kid usually has to be suffering pretty bad before you go to the other parent and label their kid a bully.
noy an easy convo to have.
I have a child with something similar to ODD, she is autistic and adhd as well. She struggles in pretty much all settings. She can’t switch it on and off. She is extremely strong willed and defiant, she is incredibly blunt and can come across rude and mean and this is at all times. Yes she does have friends but she can be the same to them as well. ODD is generally centred around authority figures and sometimes peers as well. I think it’s important to get to the bottom of why she is behaving that way before looking to label her, and I think seeing a psychologist is a good step. I also think you do need to be a bit tougher with her, she knows she can say that she hates the world to get out of confronting her misbehaving, you just need to empathise with that but still push through it.