Hi Imperfect Mum's,
Im in an abusive relationship with my partner. We have two children together 2 years and under. Im currently feeling the need to leave not so much for my sake but more for our children. basically I do 99.9% of their physical care myself and am expected to look after the houseworkand "womanly duties", his excuse being he is the bread winner. Everyday is an emotional rollercoaster and if their is not a phyical fight or argument, coversations consist of him jokingly mocking me or poking fun.Upon having my second in 2015 I was verging on postnatal depression due to the mere emotional stress of practically raising them both on my own with no help from their Dad who supposedly loves us. My heart is broken as I love this man so so much but feel his lack of empathy for my feelings and lack of desire to play a fatherly role for our kids, is hurting me but will more so have a detrimental effect on the children as they mature into little people.
my situation is furthermore complicated by the fact I am a nz citizen and am not entitled to any financial help other than the FTB A & B that we are currently getting. if I was to be on my own Id be surviving in $300ish a week and possibly child support. This is frightening to me. im wondering if there are any IMs out there in the same situation (particularly Kiwis) that have made that step and howdid you cope. Permanent residency will allow me to be eligible for govt assistance however this process is long and drawn out and will eventually be a long term fix but I feel theres nothing to help me right here, right now.
My heart is torn I just dont know what to do, whats best for my children or if our little family can be fixed. Im scared if I take that step it will hurt my kiddies as I vome from a split home myself.
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
4 Replies
Is it possible to move back to NZ until things get sorted here? I am so sorry you are in this situation! I don't think there is much you can do apart from asking for child support. Maybe it's time to start looking for full time work and organizing some form of day care for the kids. Day care is expensive but there are cheaper family day cares available or you could look at a nanny ?
I am the original poster; partner has said he will make it difficult if not impossible for me to take the kids back home as he knows thats my only way of getting help. even for holidays he said he will make it dofficult for me to take them over.
its a spite thing, he knows I wont take them to callously hurt him or "take them away from him" Ill only be doing it as my family is over there, and its easier to get help in nz
If you are worried for your safety then I would leave now. Somehow get together money for a place ticket or ask family for help. Don't tell him your leaving, just say your going somewhere then hop on a plane. Otherwise you can fight for the right to leave without his permission. In the end a lot of guys are all talk and actually won't stop you from doing anything! You might be able to get by just with that 300 dollars + child support. Also might not hurt to look for some work even part time or casual or anything! Offer to babysit people's kids in your house etc. also if he is violent you can call women's shelters, they will be able to help you. Look for accomodation in a caravan park or rent a room in someone's house. It will only be temporary until you can get things sorted. Don't let this be an excuse in staying in a dv relationship. Good luck
Is it not possible to put your children In care and get a job?