I'm having a very low day (or week actually)
I'm so sick to death of feeling the way I do sometimes. It's not everyday although when it happens it goes on for about a week or two then I'm ok again. I'm starting to think that I have pms but without actually bleeding (I'm breastfeeding my 6 month old).
Sorry this post will no doubt be all over the place but my mind is just exploding right now.
I have a two year old and 6 month old and I feel like it's Groundhog Day most days. When I have my bad weeks I feel like running away, I get so incredibly grumpy and snappy and then cry coz I get angry at my babies for the smallest things. In these moments I feel like the worst mother in the world and wish that the earth would open up and swollow me.
I don't know if I have depression. I used to suffer badly with it for so many years but the past 3 years have been dealing so well.
I suppose it doesn't help that we are moving in two weeks again as well.
My partner suggests looking for part time work for a couple of days a week but I always bite my tongue as the only thought that goes through my head is 'how can I when I don't have a car to be able to get to work or put our children in care?' I know there are so many fantastic mothers out there that find a way to do this but I can't conjure up the strength to even play with that idea.
I'm utterly exhausted all the time.
When I think I should see someone about how I feel even the thought of that is exhausting. I'd have to wait for my partner to get home at 5pm so I'm able to see them on my own.
I hate talking, even to my very few friends, I'm always quiet, I'm extremely introverted. I realised I hate leaving the house. I also realised I clean too much because my two year old has started cleaning everything with a wet one (at first I thought it was super cute but then realised 'where else did they learn that from?' They also hate getting their hands dirty sometimes by accident, then I feel terrible coz I must have taught them that. (I have been using the words them and they so as not to mention a gender)
Somedays I wish I could go shopping (retail therapy is great from memory) but I can't because we're always struggling for money. My poor partner is in a job he hates getting screwed over... Not being paid overtime plus his super contribution is coming out of his pay which I am adamant isn't right?? I'm incredibly grateful he cooks dinner almost every night because I just can't. Two year old gets sookie and demanding when he gets home and bubs cluster feeds.
Right at this very moment I just feel trapped. I'm watching ants go about their business actually feeling jealous that they have purpose.
The last time I saw a therapist I'm sure they asked me a question like 'what is your purpose?' I said looking after my babies. She told me that that isn't who I am, which annoyed me because I felt that wasn't very helpful... Like I know that isn't who I AM but it's what I'm here for right now... Is that wrong of me to think so? Because he made me feel as though it wasn't correct.
I know everyone has their down days, we're human. But I just... Can't.
I feel like I should say sorry to anyone who bothered to read this. But more, thank you. I think I just needed to vent.
3 Replies
Definitely time to go see your doctor for a mental health care plan. Also ask for a referral to a psychologist (not a therapist as any idiot with no training can call them selves a therapist).
You sound like your all over the place and need some support, some strategies etc. check with your local community centre/ council regarding occasional care. But if you have to pay a baby sitter, ask a friend or family member to babysit. Mental Health should be placed at top priority above all else.
You can feel better
I don't have advice to offer you, but I have support.
I understand what you're going through and I just wanted to let you know that it's quite normal. But that being said, please follow through with a psychologist because whilst the feelings are normal, you can ease them a bit.
I would dread my appointments and find an excuse to cancel them as often as possible, but when I actually went I would find them incredibly helpful. I would also have a 'me' day after an appointment. If money was an issue, I'd buy myself some cheap take out and something sweet. If I had a little extra money, I'd buy that cute dress (and usually only spend $10 as I was on a very low budget at this time)
Fast forward a few years, and I'm breastfeeding my gorgeous 8 month old son. And I haven't had a had a period since having him. But I get all the symptoms, thankfully without the cramps. I get hormonal and I get the weird cravings I use to get each month.
But I also feel down for days or weeks at a time, too, but that has nothing to do with my menstrual cycle (or lack of). Did you normally get moody for weeks around your period prior to falling pregnant? If not, I say it sounds more like you're overwhelmed. But dint beat yourself up. Every mother gets overwhelmed at some point!
Is your husband pressuring you to return to work because money is tight, or because he can see you're too stressed staying home all day? Or did you suggest going back to work and then realize these problems?
If you aren't ready to go back to work, don't push yourself. You could make your moods much worse. You'll make things work, even if it is a struggle.
I thought I had to go to work but my fiancé knew how much that'd break my heart and wouldn't let me. We struggle like crazy, but we have a roof over our head and our tummies are always full. We have enough for everything we need, even if it is difficult sometimes. And I love it because it means I spend all day with my little blessing and I appreciate the time I get with my partner much more.
But if you need a break, how much can you spare financially each week? Budget on your groceries (I shop at Coles and find their homebrand products to taste good and also have less sugar and crap then name brand) and see if you can put 5 - 10 aside each week, and have a once a month shopping spree? Look for all the sales or places like Kmart. It doesn't have to be expensive. See what cuts you can make. I made soft drink a treat I only got when it was on special. Cutting the sugar both helped with my mood and my budget. And we also don't buy junk food unless it's a special treat (lollies, chips, ice cream, etc). My fiancé lost some weight and found it in his wallet. Yay. But that means we can treat ourselves once a week when we both are starting to feel like life's becoming too much.
You'll find a way, IM.
Sorry for the ramble but I just wanted to make it clear that you aren't alone and that you'll be okay xx
Not sure if it's a bad day or something more - so can't help you with your question...
But I did want to write to you and say I GET IT!
I get where you are coming from, and how you're feeling and what your mind is doing... Feel I've been there many times over! Goals / direction are SO important!
Write into me on the facebook 'Imperfect Mum' site (put attn: Kelly on the front of the message) and I'll chat to you about a few things that have helped me....hope this isn't too exhausting for you...
Hugs x