I just wanted to get some advice about what everyone else would do in this situation. 6months ago a little boy I know (he has just turned 5) lost his dad suddenly in a car accident. A good friend of my husband (and has also become a good friend of mine) is this little Boy's mums partner. Since his dad passed, the little boy has gone through a lot of change. He started kindy, moved house and changed schools, has lost contact with his dads side of the family (his mum has had a part in this, although I can't judge as there has been issues between them that im not fully privy to since all this happened).
Now, while I wouldn't say the little boy is badly behaved at all there has been a noticeable change in his behaviour. He pushes the boundaries a lot more than he used to and has done some things that are really not called for and not normal (ie. Went to the toilet on his bedroom floor- wee only).
Every since his behaviour has changed (nothing too bad, he really is still quite well behaved) I have noticed that our friend (his mum's partner) has lost a lot of patience and is treating him quite poorly. He calls him a baby and picks on the little boy and really has no empathy or understanding for a little 5year old who is going through one of the hardest times that he will ever have in his life.
It really concerns me because me husband lost his mum at around the same age and his dad also let a new partner come into the home and treat hubby poorly. 20years later and I can see the affect it has had on him.
I noticed that my husband had been joining in with his friend picking on this boy when we are around and I have spoken to him about it and asked him to stop, however I am wondering if I should say anything to our friend (when I'm around and it happens, I ask him to leave Jim alone but his mum is always present so I don't think its my place to intervene- I feel like she should be, but she doesn't!)? I know if it were my son, and my partner, the partner would be out on his arse faster than he would be able to realise what was happening, however I do think I'm a much stronger advocate for my son than most due to the way I have witnessed my husband's father treat him and allow him to be treated.
So any advice on what I should do if anything would be great! I hate seeing this little boy suffer more than he already is. And really, he is a very well behaved child compared to a lot of other children even when he is acting out!
8 Replies
I would catch up with the friend on her own and ask if she is ok. Ask her how she is coping and if there is anything you can do etc. offer to take the child for a weekend sleepover maybe or babysit? I'd start there and then see where the conversation goes.
I have spoken to her (the boys mum) about it generally. I have shared my experience of hubby and have expressed that I feel her partner (and our friend) is lacking in empathy and understanding and is treating her son poorly, however she doesn't really seem to mind. She says to me that her partner 'voices strong views' which I am aware of as I witness these 'strong views' but she doesn't do anything about it. She seems to be happy to ignore it.
I am really struggling with it as I feel that a parent should be their child's strongest advocate and should put their child before EVERYTHING else (even their partner) especially when the poor kid is dealing with the death of his dad.
I guess I'm torn between feeling that someone needs to advocate for this little boy and feeling as though since his mum is well aware of what goes on that its none of my business (the little boy is well cared for in every other aspect).
I should also add that I have spoken to our friend about it generally as well, however I feel its either time to distance myslef from the whole situation or to say something seriously letting him know how wrong it is. Up until now, everything I have said is along the lines of, he's five you need to be a little more understanding. He's just lost his dad etc. The general answer I get from him in response is, 'that's no excuse for bad behaviour'. Or 'he's not a baby, he shouldn't act like one'.
Is it possible her new partner is abusive?
He is a really lovely guy, however I always say I'd never ever be with him because he can lie and manipulate people like you would not believe! So physically I'd say almost definately not (although you never know, often its the charismatic ones that are!) But emotionally I'd would say its a possibility.
He has money though and I think the stronghold he has on her is that he supports them ALOT. So I think financially she's very reliant on his help.
I would start by having a good talk with your own husband. This poor little boy and your husbands been there and is still doing tha. ThIs little boy needs love and kindness especially from male adults and positive role models, make your own husband step up and become one. Then he could work on bringing the friend round by discouraging that kind of thing and leading the way, their words and unkindness will be breaking that poor little boy.
I have done that already. My husband understands now and completely agrees with me. I hope he will say something to our friend as I now he will be more likely to listen to hubby (they were born days apart and have known each other since birth). But then I don't know if he will listen even to hubby about this one. He just has such a simplistic view on the whole situation (which is really great for someone who has never been through anything like it). He also tells the little boy stupid things like 'boys don't cry' and stuff like that. How is this little boy meant to express his true feelings and deal with his grief properly when he has a male that he looks up to telling him things like that!
This post has really upset me. As the mother of boys I would not put up with the belittling of my sons.
First of your husband sounds like a dick to get involved. Where does he get off doing that to a child? Tell him to back off.
If you get him to agree with you maybe your husband can talk to the partner and share his experiences.
Secondly talk to your friend, or show her this post. This needs to stop asap. It could ruin him for life. This child is going through a traumatic time. He needs love and support. :(
Counselling for the boy might be a good option.
Please let us know how you go.