Am I a bad mum? I love my children but I have grown to hate motherhood
When I was pregnant with my two children, I was happy to be becoming a mum, I had the ideas as most of us did, that it's a wonderful rewarding experience, tho not without its ups and downs. But idea soon changed, their father was never very supportive, always angry and since we separated almost 4 years ago now it's been like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.
Now it's been made even worse with the start of court for the last 5+ months.
Now I hate being a mother, I love my children, but pretty much since they were born, everything around them has been caos for them and nightmare for me, I was forced to go back to work not long after my first was born out of guilt if I turned it down, so I worked because my ex didn't have regular work. Then not long after my second was born, my ex and I separated.
I have very little support, don't work, miss working, am somewhere I don't want to be, feel like I'm dieing inside again, separated from my current partner (physically) due to us being in two different places and not always able to see each other, no friends here, minimal family support.
I feel like the only way for my children to grow up balanced in any decent way is for either their father or myself withdraw, I worry for my children, I'm scared for them, my ex inlaws really hate me and my ex is jealous that I have moved on,my ex has money and so can afford legal representation where as I can't afford a lawyer and not eligible for legal aid, I have tried every way I know of to help my children, but what good am I if I'm an emotional mess, if I could go back, I would run as far away from my ex as fast as possible, for the past 15+ years I have been unhappy, I feel helpless to protect my children, I feel like I can't be a proper mother to them.
Either way my children and I are headed for heartbreak, I love my children and don't want them to hate me, but they are being poisoned and I'm loosing strength to be able to cope with it. I really don't know what else I can do?
Loosing all hope at life.
1 Replies
Sounds like you just have a lot of stress surrounding you, it doesn't make you a bad mother. Maybe seek some professional guidence in some councelling to help lift some of these feelings and emotions off. You deserve to be happy and taking some time out for yourself to readjust is only going to gain wonders for your children and yourself. It's tough to admit when you feel defeated (I have been there) but take whats available and if thats a councellor, go for it! I personally found this avenue helpfull in difficult times of my life and have always walked out feeling refreshed and somewhat lighter. Parenting is tough even at the best of times so look after yourself so that you can enjoy it and yourself. Best of luck!