Up until 18 months ago, I hadn't seen my grandmother since I was two (I'm now 31) due to a nasty divorce and a falling out between my dad and his mum. When we met again for the first time in 29 years, she seemed hesitant told me that I was the spitting image of her only daughter who passed away at my age.
In the last 18 months, I have mad a lot of effort to connect with her by inviting her to birthdays & baptisms, sending gifts for mothers day, birthday, call her semi regularly and as well as driving more than an hour out of my way to see her (she lives 3 hours away) at least twice since we've met. During my visits/calls, she's engaging and seems happy and comfortable but She has made very little effort, including missing my 30th birthday dinner because she had to stay at home with her dog.
I live about 3 minutes away my uncle and about 30 minutes from most of my cousins who my grandmother visits often (every other month) and stays for up to three weeks. During these visits, she makes zero effort to contact me, not even for a coffee, even though I have told her that I would really like to see her when she's up and that I will come to her or meet her at a Cafe if she perfered.
I have her only great grandchildren which she has said are great kids but doesn't seem to want to connect with them.
The thing is, she sends us birthday cards with money in them ($50 for the kids and $100 for me). My kids don't even know/understand who the money is coming from, even though I try to explain who she is.
I would much rather have a coffee with her a few times a year to get to know her and miss out on the money. It's really bothering me.
It was mine and my son's birthday birthday this week, I found out she was up for the past three weeks visiting family but left me out, not even a phone call but today two cards arrived by registered mail. I know theres money in them but I don't even want to open them. I don't want her to think it's ok to 'pay me off' but what else do I do? Return to sender?
I don't want to cause tension between us, especially now because we'll both be at a family wedding in 6 weeks.
Should I just take the money and try to ignore this niggling feeling?
4 Replies
No she isnt paying you off chances are the others receive the same. It's a quirk with that generation particularly if they have widows pensions and large amounts of savings. Its likely her way of things and visiting them Likely has less to do with where you are as who is driving her.
Go over when you know she is home and offer to help with the garden and have a coffee.
Definitely a generational thing plus you have only been back in her life for 18mths. It takes time to rebuild a close 'visiting' relationship with the older generation.
I would class myself as very close to my grandparents and they won't call in or catch up unless forced, but will be around the corner with friends!
Families are funny things. Nope you aren't being paid off, she likes you, she just needs more time. Plus she would probably feel uncomfortable showing her face at a family gathering.
PS I have the first great grandchild, it's not the big deal that you are imagining. The older generation didn't feel the need to catch up with family like we do, my grandmother on my mums side, for example only contacted her siblings about once a year, and my dad's side only contacted his siblings, nieces and nephews by letter.
Did you ever think perhaps it's difficult for her as you look so much like her daughter who passed? I could be way off but it's just a thought - I know it's unfair on you but maybe consider that could be a reason x
Its been 29 years and only back in your lufe for 18months. She has long established relationships with the other family members. She could find it hard at her age to change her ways and make an effort. Im one of those people who find it hard to try and build relationships with people that come in to my life even extended family on my husbands side. I get awkward and dont know what to say or how to invite them round etc so i dont because its out of my comfort zone. Accept her generosity that is probably her qay of trying.