*Admin is there a way to delete these replys so that I may get other replys without this repliers being abused?
- edited to ask for admin advice. Original post as follows
Hey IMs, I had an issue on here last week which has really bothered me. I was trying to give constructive criticism which was misconstrued and turned into an ugly argument. I'm ashamed to say I responded ( in a way I truly though was politely ) as I was being attacked.
It's really been on my mind as I honestly was not wanting to offend and to offer advice. Advice which was backed up by a lot of IMs so I don't believe I was out of line but it did get me thinking a lot on how we all word things and the correct way to do this.
I started my post with I'm sorry if this sounds rude and I don't mean any offense......
Internet replys are hard just like txt msgs as there is no connection to show we are attempting to offer genuine thoughts. I'm sure we've all been misconstrued on txt etc.
How do we avoid this? Is there a different wording to what I used to show I am supportive but feel the person should look through a different perspective? Or do I just not reply??
I thought the purpose of IM is to get different perspectives on our questions in a non threatening way.
Please help me with the correct way to answer?
* to the IM whose question I replied to originally, I hope you got the answers you were after and I'm sorry if I offended you. I think we may just rub each other the wrong way as people do in RL aswell. Please accept my apology for any offense. I do not wish to start a further argument here, that is not the purpose of this post
12 Replies
To avoid this try not to be vague I am the original IM who explained that it wasn't constructive, it was vague.
I'm not responding to fight but to make clear what is constructive.
If you dont understand something ask questions. What dont you know and need to know to give a clearer answer? What isnt included which you think is relevant.
example: age of the child, length of the relationship, age of the IM, if they are vague but eluding to a mystery illness what is the illness?
Being more specific gives them a guide as to in which direction you are lost and means they can give a directed response and can enable you to give a clearer more tailored response.
It facilitates two way discussion rather than blocking the road off with a brick wall. Return the serve.
Never use a disclaimer. It just says you know you don't know how to answer politely. It's harder to be forgiving of someone who knowingly jumps on your sand castle, than if they trod on it not seeing it.
Oh another tip. Try not to give brief one or two sentence answers. Particularly if you are concerned about being misunderstood. There is a reason twitter is a blight on civilisation. The limited character's are notorious for misunderstandings.
Stick to the issue. Try not to interpret or read between lines unless you know you are particularly discerning and experienced on the topic.
Be practical:
Promoting divorce and walking away isnt a solution its not dealing with the issue and presents even more issues long term. (I'm not saying you do it is a common response given on the site and facebook.)
Narrow the vision a bit answers don't need to be black and white.
They can be shades of grey.
Break the issue down one problem 1 2 or 3 possible options of resolution.
There could be as many as 5 problems in a question.
There could be the obvious the IM hasnt seen.
Maybe he or she show signs of mental illness. Disfunction in the home is a huge red flag for mental illness.
The hubby is lazy and she feels overworked. Maybe it time for the kids to do their fair share of the chores and rewards to be family days out.
Or your issue could just be that you never learned to communicate with other people effectively as your current brick walling response indicates. TBH if you offend people as often as you appear to its likely best you dont respond.
Thankyou for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it however I do not wish to go back to my answer on your post so I will stop this reply now and would ask that we please leave this here as we have very different views.
Thankyou again for replying. I think it may be best to get other IMs input on this to help me word things differently
I think it's perfectly fine if it's kind and helpful in delivery. It could be something to think about, if not it's easily skipped over, no harm done.
The only other thing you could do is preposition; a question such as would you mind my opinion on this point?
But if they say no or receive it badly or don't wish to receive it, leave it there, don't engage, we don't know where they're at in their lives.
Thankyou. That's a good idea :-)
Thankyou admin
See a Clinical Psychologist, you need more than therapy this isn't a how do I? problem.
Hi Anonymous, Kelly here from The Imperfect Mum team -
I've scheduled your question to go up today (5pm) but not entirely sure what it is you'd like me to do? Delete other replies or something?
I don't understand sorry - but if you write a message into the facebook page before 5, maybe I can help before it goes to facebook?
xKelly
She deleted the top of the comment tree herself, and pretended admin deleted them.
Because she was also pretending that the commenter wasnt herself, which it actually was.
Basically using the anonymous tag to create an illusion of multiple individuals.
Also known as trolling. Although on most websites people have to Create fake accounts to do it. Using anonymous they just say they arent the original poster
Thankyou kelly. OP here, I've just seen the fb post. There was abusive replys on here from a member. I reported these and was asking if they could please be deleted and when I checked back they were gone. I thought it was admin that deleted them hence my comment but it must have been the responder. Thankyou for posting to Facebook for me.
Lol you are REALLY funny
Actually I deleted them because it was my comment at the top and it was going on and on and just ridiculous, definitely nowhere positive. just so you know what happened op :)
Thankyou I thought that's what must've happpened since it wasnt admin.
I appreciate you deleting them