Hi IM's,
I'm interested in hearing stories from Mum's (hetero or same-sex r'ships) who have chosen not to be the sole carer of their children, after separation/divorce.
My partner and I are discussing this option. Where the children would go live with him on a regular basis and come to stay with me every second weekend.
I'm interested in hearing why your family chose this option, how you felt then, how long you've been doing it, how you feel about it now and what the impact is on your children.
I'm happy to pm you if you don't wish to share details in public.
Thank you.
3 Replies
I am writing as the step mother who has her ss fulltime and he goes to his mums in the holidays. When this arrangement first started, it was 50/50 custody and it just didnt work, there was no stability for the child and different routines left him feeling like an outcast at both houses and an inconvenience being shoved around the place. After a while, we spoke to his mum and went through all the issues and we then had him majority of the time and he went to him mums every 2nd wknd. This was a great improvement. He knew where he would be, he knew he would get to school on time and sport etc and most importantly he knew he belonged somewhere. He had his own room and own things etc, somewhere to call home. We have since moved interstate and he sees his mum every holidays. The one main thing that he comments on at his mums is that he doesn't have his own space. There is no room just for him etc. I understand this may be hard given the amount of time he actually spends there, however, it is important to the child that they feel they are special wherever they reside. My ss copes with life a lot better since we changed from 50/50 and his schooiing improved dramatically. He openly admits that he was lost before and never knew where he was going to be each day which would have been hard. He spends quality time with his mum now (and when every 2nd wknd) and they are able to make memories as opposed to before when there was no great connection. I think the main thing is to keep open communication with the child and the other parent and ensure that you are kept informed of school things and concerts etc so you can also attend these. I know this is such a big decision for you and your family, however, from the other side of the fence, I would thank you for putting your child first. Best of luck.
My daughters father & I have been separated for about 7 years (daughter is now 9) initially as she was so young I was full time carer and he had her every second weekend. We have always worked our arrangements out privately without court orders etc, we just don't want to put her through that. We both took a long time to find new partners. Once my daughter was school age, we split approx. 50/50 shared care. I worked full time & juggled work and having my daughter half of the time for almost 5 years. I met my new partner 2 years ago, he lived about an hour or so away from me. I lost my grandmother (who raised me when my mother passed when I was 2 from cancer) early this year, after this I started really thinking about my happiness and legacy. I decided to move in with my partner, take a break from full time work and find happiness again. My ex did not want me to take our daughter permanently, understanably. We decided to keep her at her current school, not to disrupt her routine as much as possible. I moved an hour away and I get my daughter every weekend, I pick her up Friday from school & take her to school Monday morning every week. It's working, I really don't mind the drive as I did it for so long when my boyfriend and I were dating, we've been together 2 years. The only thing I really miss is being involved in her schooling day to day. We call each other & talk through her homework most nights. Even though our shared care hasn't changed much, I do feel a slight emptiness. She needs her mum & she says she misses me, but I think she's just coming to that age, and this would have happened regardless of weather I stayed or moved. It's only been 4 months & I do have moments of guilt. She's a very happy kid mostly and I'm sure she will fully understand one day why I made this decision.
I think if there is a way you can work the 50/50 shared care with your ex, it's the best possible outcome for kids & parents in a separated family situation. If you only see your kids every other weekend, as a mother, I think you would feel a massive void. That's just my opinion. Good luck, separation is never easy!! Just try not to involve your kids in your disputes and do what is best for them & that is in most cases getting the best of mum & dad in any situation they are put in :) xxxx
My son wanted to stay with his dad. They have always been very close and have the same interests/hobbies. He stays with me on weekends and I get extra time during school holidays. I think it's best for kids to be were they want to be, as long as they are being loved and cared for, it doesn't matter who they live with the most. My sons father has a good job and a nice house, so it also came down to stability. I feel guilty that he's not with me more, but I know that it's the best thing for him, so I just try to make the most of time I do have him for instead. Best advice I can give is, do what's best for them now and if it's not working you can always revise custody when things settle down. Good luck