Hi Everyone,
I'm not really sure what to do or how I can help my daughter. I'm sorry this is so long.
My daughter (25) just recently (August) was diagnosed with Leukeamia a rare one...It's been a shock to say the least...
I feel worse about it as I was the one who told her... Over the phone, whilst she was at work...
(The doctor couldn't do it... He's known her since she was small & basically treats her as if she were his own) she still stayed at work the whole day after I told her.
Shortly after she found out she moved back home to save some money as she's planning on moving across the country in Jan... Since she has moved home she seems to have withdrawn a lot, she goes to work (fulltime + does over time so 6 days a week) then comes home, sleeps for a few hours, gets up and is awake until midnight then goes back to sleep... Very rarely will she go out on weekends with her friends and if she does she isn't out long ( I get that having this disease is taking a toll on her body but she's just not herself)
I feel so helpless, She is constantly saying her arms or legs hurt or that she is tired however her specialist has said once the cancer cells die off during treatment the pain should go away & everything will go back to normal but 3 months in and not much has changed (treatment is working according to blood tests)
She doesn't like talking about the fact she is sick even at specialist appointments! She's asked him approximately 3 questions the whole time she's had to see him otherwise she just sits there and let's me ask questions.
she's told maybe a handful of her friends and her boss as she occasionally needs time off for appointments and treatment etc
She has mentioned a few times that for the people who know some have taken the news badly Or they've been weird and avoid her...
I think she might be depressed but whenever I ask her she says she's fine and that "it is what it is, it can't be changed" to my knowledge she has only cried once since finding out and that was when I told her she was sick... And it was for no more than a couple of minutes before she composed herself and asked what happens from here before going back to work. She's not willing to discuss how she feels whenever a family member asks how she is going she shuts off (you can see it instantly in her face and body language) and only gives short answers like "fine" "the same as last time" then changes the topic or shuts down completely. If a family friend asks she hesitates and answers in a round about way before very slyly changing the conversation to something completely different.
I just don't know how I can help her! Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you do?
7 Replies
I'm sorry, your daughter sounds a lot like me. You have to wait for her to come to you. Trying to get me to talk just leads to me shutting down. When I'm ready it all comes out.
It seems bizarre and quite awful that she was told that way over the phone? And while at work? When did she get to speak to a Dr. seems to Me she would've had no choice but to push it down and get on with it, get back to work.
Maybe, and I'm just guessing here only you can reflect and decide, but maybe shes angry and resents that you take control of it all and feels like her powers been taken away, to which the classic reaction is exactly what you've described, to go eff it, you handle it all I'm taking the biggest backseat and I'll be out of here as soon as I can.
I thought she already knew as she gave me the reports of the weeks of blood tests she had, had. She saw the doctor a day before I told her. Her doctor gave her a referral to the specialist and booked an appointment then and there but told her not read the pathology reports in case she started googling phrases/ words.
I know she gets frustrated when decisions are made for her but she won't speak up or make them herself, we give her every opportunity but she refuses...As a mother I hate seeing her miserable but it doesn't seem like she is willing to help herself. She can't not do anything as her prognosis without treatment wasn't the best (maximum 12 months!)
But I agree I definitely think she's just taking a backseat to it. I just don't know how to get her more involved- I won't be around forever and she has this for life!
Oh no. Id probably keep on being there for her and hope that she will start to take ownership when shes getting ready to move in a few months.
Offer to make an appointment for her with a a social Worker/ counselor, as part of the course of things.
All the best
Ive been on chemo since march. It took me ages to come to terms with the whole situation. It took me a good 6mths to work everything around in my head and to become comfortable talking about everything. I didnt cry much i think 3 times in total. Ive just kinda gotten on with it still work and care for my kids.
My sister is an oncologist. Your daughter is acting quite normally under the circumstances. It's normal for them to go into a fog. My sister says she often has to repeat diagnosis and prognosis multiple, multiple times, before the patient gets it. They go into shock and then struggle to make decisions. This is very normal reaction, more normal than the patient who becomes a public speaker and starts a charity, and runs marathons.
I was 16 when i was diagnosed with hodgkins lymphoma (i am now 34) i too shut down, didn't want to talk to anyone about it, didn't think about it and became withdrawn. Looking back now it was my way of coping at the time, i had no choice in the matter i just had to get through it. I couldn't even say the word "cancer". Once i was in remission i did fall apart a little and needed quite a bit of counselling. Just be there for her, when she is ready to deal with it she will.....in the mean time she is dealing with it the best way she knows how. Much love and healing vibes to your daughter x