Hi IM...
This is a long story so thanks for reading...
My beautiful hubby and I have been together for over 6years we have a 3yo, 1yo and a new baby due in 6wks. He also has a son to a previous relationship who is 16. He moved in with us more than 3 years ago.
When he came to us he had never showered, eaten or gone to school regularly, didn't have a bedtime or bedroom without sharing it with several others. He is behind at school but so advanced in lying, manipulating and getting what he wants out of people.
We built him his own bedroom, gave him lots of food, extra activities, routine, a bedtime and couselling.
When we had our first child, we decided that I would continue to work full time to help support us because hubby works part time job at night so he could sleep when she did etc.
Everyday I didn't want to come home because it was too stressful and there would have been someone showing up at our house to beat my hubby up because SS was bullying someone or something else, he would tell hubby that I did/didn't do all these horrible things (I never did any of them) and luckily hubby took my side everytime. He told his aunty and cousin over and over that he would get rid of me and he will make me pay!
Fast forward to when I was 12 weeks pregnant with number 3 and it progressively got worse everyday! His counseller told me he was such a lovely boy and only needed 2 or 3 appts and they wouldn't see him anymore and couldn't understand why he was even there. He got in the car and said "I won"...
Anyway one day he got quite violent with me and I was scared for me and my babies. (SS is 130kgs and 6"6!)
Hubby said that it was the last straw and sent him back to live with his mum. He was beyond excited, he couldn't wait to get back there.
Now since he left in August my hubby is broken, he doesn't sleep or sleeps all day. He's sad, withdrawn, angry at the kids and has no motivation. The twinkle in his eye has gone! He feels like he has completely failed at being a father but his son is so happy now and full of life. He left for work early this morning and pulled over and just couldn't face going. He msgd me and told me that he feels like he is broken and can't go on.
He is the most beautiful person and I am breaking just watching him go through this. I have suggested a doctors appt to maybe chat and get some help but he's not seeing clearly either.
I don't know what I'm asking but has anyone gone through something similar or have any more advice on how I can help him.?
I'd be grateful for any advice. Please no nasty comments about SS because we had to protect our children for the outbursts and violence and I'm angry because everyone is so quick to judge that we didn't want him. It's so far from the truth..
Thankyou in advance for reading and any advice.
3 Replies
Get him to the doctor, help,is available but he needs to get to the doctor
My hubby had a similar situation with one of his big sons. It made him so sad and feels such a failure. He was very uncomfortable with asking for help and I finally managed to get him to the GP by going with him - right into the appt - held his hand throughout. Luckily our GP knows some of the background so he didn't need to tell the whole story again. He has since tried counseling but hasn't found the right person (that he feels comfortable with) but the GP has let him have long appts to just talk and this has been as good as any 'official' counseling. We're not out of the woods yet, but the improvement since he's had a safe place to talk has been wonderful. If your hubby can't do the GP, does he have an uncle or older friend who he trusts? Would he try an online counselor like Beyond Blue have on their website? Keep trying, the fact that you care and keep supporting him helps keep hubby going even if it's just keeping him from getting worse. Best of luck Hon. I'm so proud to hear you and hubby tried so hard for your boy.
My SS lived with us for a while having come from a very dysfunctional background. He was malnourished and incredibly manipulative, lied constantly and even threatened me physically - I had to lock myself in the bedroom as my husband was sick in hospital. The final straw came just after hubby was released from coronary care. It was an awful time. Between losing his son and a near death experience hubby slipped into a very black depression. This was only 3 months into our marriage. Slowly we were able to recover and heal with the help of a great doctor and a good support network.
We are now 8 years on and have moved overseas to do humanitarian work. I can honestly say that we now have a really lovely relationship with the SS, and I'm really proud of the young man he's grown into. It's taken us a lot of work but it's worth it.