Hi all,
My step father passed away today, after being diagnosed with cancer two years ago. He never had any treatments, just lived out his days happily. I have two young boys and I don't know how to explain to my 4 yr old that his grandfather has died. Both my boys adore my step father. My four yr old is quite clever and sensitive. It is my four yr olds birthday party tomorrow so I'm going to hold off telling him until a few days time, until I have the right words.
I have read recently somewhere that you shouldn't tell kids that someone has gone to heaven as it seems to them then that they are choosing to be in heaven rather than here with them.
My step father was more of a dad to me than my father and was a big part of my boys lives. I want to also honour in him in someway without the boys going to his funeral too. Any ideas on how to approach this whole conversation?? This is the first occasion of death for my boys.
TIA.
6 Replies
Tell them he has died and then ask them there thoughts on death. Answer any questions they have as honestly as you can.
I think the entire heaven thing is a bit of nonsense. If you make it clear we don't choose when to die or go to heaven.
I have this book that was given to me as a child after someone close to me passed away. It's called "Lifetimes" from Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen.
When my children 1st experienced someone close to us passing this book came in handy. As the book says "A beautiful way to explain life and death to children" I found it very helpful.
Have you seen The Lion King? I use the circle of life idea to explain to my children about life and death.
I told my son when he was 2 and his brother died that Conor became a star and he would watch over him and he could see him at night time, when our close friend died 6 months ago my son is now 4 I also told him Brian is a star had gone to help Conor, he talk about why the medicine didn't work but only in small bursts and I give him the info as he asks for it but the stars they can see at night and helped him focus on something he used to blow kisses to the stars and looks for the last star in the morning as Conor is the star and lachie is the moon. On his anniversary we release a helium balloon for conor to catch, Just don't say he went to sleep something the doctors told us not to do as can cause sleep issues later. All the best and sorry for the loss strength to you all at this time.
So, unfortunately I've had to do this with all 3 of my kids... My son's father passed away when he was 2... I told him simply that daddy had died, and went to heaven... He asked if heaven was in the sky, and I said yes... We then picked out a star that became "daddy" watching over us, and he would draw pictures which we would burn to send to daddy in the sky...
Fast forward 10 years, my MIL passed away (new partners mother) and we had to explain it to miss 3 and miss 4... Again, we said Nanna has died and gone to heaven... That was a year ago now, and last month miss now 4 was having trouble grasping that Nanna was gone... She didn't understand why she couldn't come back from heaven... I took her to a cemetary and we walked around looking at the graves... I explained to her that these were people who were loved by their families just like Nanna, and they had all died and weren't coming back... She picked flowers and put them on some graves, asked me some questions which I answered honestly, then we went home... She kind of understands now, enough that she's not asking for Nanna anymore... I'm not religious, but I found "heaven" to be the nicest place to say they've gone... We've had other losses in the family, but those 2 were most significant to the kids, and I was asked each time where they went... They were cremated, and I figured explaining that to young kids was stuff nightmares are made of... Keep it simple, keep it factual, yet age appropriate of course, and let them ask you questions without you getting too upset... Sorry for your loss xxx
Please dont concern yourself too much with whether saying they have gone to heaven is the 'right' or 'wrong' thing..
There is no right or wrong when someone dies... you can only pass on to them what you know to be true or what you believe in - as they grow up they will make their own mind up.
Please, please... dont wait until you have 'the right words' - you may never feel that you have the right words.
This is a perfect time for a chat about death and what it means to your son... Death is a part of life - it is not a taboo subject, it will not damage your child for life, it will not give them nightmares or slow their development.
My family once kept it from me that a family member had died because their was a special occasion the next day, someone else in the family let it slip and I beyond devastated that they had tried to hide it from me. I understand they were trying to do what they thought the right thing was, however ill never forget how I felt finding out that everyone else knew and could cry together and I could not.
Absolutely take your boys to his funeral - its closure for adults.. AND its closure for children. Children need a time and place to say goodbye too... If there is a viewing, please dont think that this is 'not appropriate' for children, chances are he is just going to look like he is sleeping - which is exactly what you say to the boys to show they that death isnt a big bad scary monster living under their bed...
If kids ask why grandad is in funny looking box / container - whatever - you can explain that the coffin (or casket) is a special box to keep grandad safe on his journey to heaven (if you so chose to mention heaven)
At the end of the day - kids are smarter than we give them credit for - chances are, your boys already know a thing or two about death even if you've never spoken about it to them.. See what they know first (or think they know) and go from there...
Wishing you all the very best for the coming days Xx