Not for Facebook -
I have an extremely trouble making sister in law. Married my brother about 5 years ago. Since she came into our family she has never liked me (despite my efforts), constantly being rude, making horrible comments or just plain ignores me. I have ALWAYS gotten along with my brothers girlfriends in the past without issues and always been close to my brother and speaking Everyday.
I put up with her rudeness for 5 years or more (my parents always telling me to ignore her and "be the bigger person" so I did- even when she pashed the stripper on her hens night I said not a word! (Wish I did now!!).
I kept quiet until I got pregnant and she ignored the fact, deleted me off Facebook and a few other things and when I asked her why she said "not the whole world revolved around me" anyways it broke into a texting argument. I said many times to just be nice and move on that we both had exciting things in our life blah blah. (Her and my brother had just had a child of their own) she responded with she "hopes I grow up before my child does" then I lost it! I told her I would smash her if I ever saw her again. (Not that I would ever, I was just so furious she could bring my unborn child into the nastiness and this was the last straw).
Since then we have not spoken. It's been two years. She doesn't let my brother see my family (my husband and my son) she stopped him attending our wedding, he didn't attend my sons first birthday, baptism and so on. If he wants to see us he has to sneak over when he finishes work early which has ceased for the last 5 months.
She hasn't let me see their now 2 kids and she threatens him if he brought them to see me she would leave him.
I tried to offer the olive branch a couple of times to her, buying her kids Xmas and birthday presents which my brother advised she threw in the bin!
My parents are devastated this has happened to our family. We have always been so close. However they are too scared to stand up to her encase she bans them from seeing their grandkids. My parents also blame me for making the "smash you" comment and disregard all her derogatory behavior to me prior which really frustrates me. The only person who was by my side was my Aunty and now my parents are annoyed at her for "being involved" tho I was the one who turned to her coz I needed to talk and it wasn't her fault. Now my parents refuse to speak to her.
It's been two years now of segregated everything in our family. (I still see my parents every weekend) But now I find out my parents have been backstabbing me directly to my brother and his wife saying I "give them grief over the situation" when I simply say how hurt I still am over everything & the fact it feels like my parents have never been there for me in the whole situation achnoledging everything she has done despite seeing and commenting on it when it happened.
I feel like I'm now beginning to resent my parents who I'm super close with as it's causing a huge divide in the family. How can they stand by and not even say something to her? I know if roles were reversed I would be telling her to get over it as we are family. Cousins are missing out and everyone is hurting and how could they disown my Aunty as she has stood by me? For being involved? Would they rather I be alone?
Instead of staying neutral they have clearly taken sides as they are so damn nice to her when they have seen everything she's done to our family since she came into it.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I can't pretend everything is okay anymore.
4 Replies
If you want them to remain neutral stop talking to them about it. I know it's hard. But your parents feel torn. My parents do too.
I never discuss my sister to my parents anymore. They just want everyone to get on and it is awful when they don't but they can't do anything. Even if they stood up to her, nothing would change.
If you need to vent, talk to your husband, friends etc but stop discussing it with your family. I know that's hard because it's natural to want to discuss family with family. But it doesn't work because they can't fix this. Whatever they do they loose!
Just keep catching up with your mum and dad. Keep the convo away from your sister and law. If you want to ask about your brother and kids do so but don't let it turn into a vent about your SIL.
Telling anyone you'd smash them, is just ridiculous no matter what she said! My parents would have disowned me for that one lol
Stop worrying about your brother and SIL they have made there own choices and it's time to let it go. I find when I stop talking and venting about things and make a decision t not worry and stress about it things become much calmer, happier and peaceful and you wonder why you allowed such a toxic drama to overcome you for so long.
Ok well it seems like a lot of growing up needs to be done by both sides. I don't think there will be a resolution until both parties can take responsibility for their roles in this relationship.
It sounds like your SIL is reacting or has misinterpreted something you've said/done in the past and that has never been properly addressed hence the dislike. Threatening to smash someone is unacceptable and truthfully if i was in her situation and you threatened me like that I'd take the same steps.
in light of that I think that if you want to stay close with your parents you need to step back and deal with the resentment. Saying they are getting grief from you is not backstabbing it's voicing the pressure they feel from being stuck in the middle. You can take steps to deal with your resentment or choose not to. You cannot change anyone's actions or make them a better person but yourself so I'd suggest doing that. Perhaps by working on yourself you might decide that they are toxic or perhaps you're more in the wrong than you thought. Either way you can only control how you deal with things so I'd start there.
Im in a similar situation and I disagree with previous statements as far as dishing out blame.
The point is moving forward and making it work.
Even if what she did was disgusting, the sil can't hold a grudge forever and break up a family if this lady is offering an olive branch and trying to make it better.
Especially as this woman isn't part of your family, it's not hurting her its hurting her brother, his kids and the poster. If I was you I'd talk to your brother.
And yes you have a right to be mad at your parents for saying things that help keep her and her kids away from you!
I completely agree. It sounds like the woman who posted this is extremely hurt, missing her brother and torn apart that her SIL could tear apart their once close family.
I would want my mother at the birth of my children and if she decided to take a trip o/s when I was due I would feel two things, hurt and frightened. All women want their mothers around for the arrival of their children do they not?
I completely understand that this woman crossed the line and threatened violence which she has started she would never have gone through with, it was said out of anger and hurt. We're all human we make mistakes!!! The fav a family has been torn a part because of a simple threat is absurd and the SIL should be spoken to by This woman's parents to remind her that they love their daughter and that bullying her is not ok!!