I think I'm too scared to be happy! My last two relationships ended in a runaway mess, both DV, the second worse then the first but both hurt the same, and both resulted in a child each. I then met this guy, and I pushed him away but he kept coming back, we have been together for nearly a year now and his taking on my children as his own, my eldest sees his father and despite how the relationship was, he sees his son regularly. Myself and his dad get on well now, he wasn't a bad person, just a really bad partner. My youngests dad is completely out of the picture as his far too dangerous. Anyway! My guy, his great! I still find everyday normal relationship things weird, like when he baths the kids or loads the dishwasher I find myself nearly in tears thinking "his gunna flip soon" i find myself trying to stop him from helping because I'm scared that him loading the dishwasher will ended in me hurt and dishes smashed everywhere because I should have done that. His not anything like that though, he helps, he cares, he listens, he knows when somethings upsetting me, I can actually tell him if somethings his said or done has upset or hurt me and he apologises everytime and doesn't even try to make an excuse for it! Such as he came home in a bad mood from work because he had a long day and his boss was being a dick and he was just really distant and moody, and snappy, (we all get like that) then when I told him he was upsetting me he just stopped, he got out of his mood straight away and apologised and when I tried to say "it's okay, I understand you had a hard day" he told me"yeah but it's no excuse to be an asshole to you, you didn't make my day hard" don't get me wrong, his not mister perfect, he infuriates me sometimes too! Washing next to the washing basket, not in it, toilet seat left up, chip wrappers left on the lounge etc. but he does all these things I never felt would happen in my life, simple things like asking me if I'm happy, if there is anything he can do to help me out, telling me, constantly that he appreciates me. He won't let me
Leave the shops sometimes until I buy something for myself. His so great and I love him dearly, but, I have this bugging feeling of, "it won't stay like this, leave, now." I feel like I'm making an escape plan in my head but there is no reason to leave.. We are very much out of the honeymoon stage too, his never been "nasty" to me, we have had disagreements, but it has never resulted in him calling me names or even swearing at me.. Is this just my past haunting me or is it a sign that I'm with the wrong guy? What do I do? I don't have any reason to leave at all, but I feel I'm meant to at some point...
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
7 Replies
It sounds like your past haunting you, have you ever received any counselling or psychological help for what you went through? It's so common to need some help to process it all.
Cleaning all that old crap from your head is tough.. Get some help or at least someone you trust to talk to.. All you can do is trust him.
My last relationship was a head game and it took me years to not try and play games with by hubby.. After 15 years I still fall back into old habits every now and again but he is very quick to pull me out.
Firstly I'm so sorry you had to go through that twice. It sounds like you need to talk to a psychologist to work through your feelings. They can give amazing techniques to use to deal with the feelings and once your comfortable to build you confidence and work as a couple. I believe that after having a DV relationship that the new partner need techniques aswell to assist with building the relationship and helping you when triggers from the past come up.
You sound like you have a beautiful man who loves you and wants to care for you but please be kind to yourself and pleas know you deserve that love with your boys
But do you love him? You say youre with him because he woudnt go away. Hes really nice, but you dont have to be with someone just because theyre really nice to you.
Sounds like youve been trough hell, but in regular life you can break up without them doing something awful, just because its not right, its not working out. If hes not right, tou wont be happy no matter what he does. You dont have to settle just because hes not awful.
Really good point
Be assured that there are guys out there that are wonderful, gentle, helpful and loving (albeit, infuriating at times?). This guy sounds like a keeper to me. It's understandable you have difficulty trusting, given your past. If you love him, hold on to him :-) You deserve to be treated well. Maybe talk to him about your feelings, your fears... He sounds very understanding.
Not all guys are abusive losers, and YOU DESERVE to be treated with respect.
Wow, I feel like I could have written this!
I got out of 2 very nasty relationships, I ran for the hills. Only one resulted in a child though, as I fell preg only 3 months into the relationship. Anyway. The relationship I am in now is amazing, my partner cares. He is loving, affectionate and provides a stable and emotionally amazing lifestyle. It took me 5 years though to actually feel safe and secure. It was one hell of a road, I was always thinking that shit was going to hit the fan.
Counselling!! I was able to work through these issues and now I am 3 years on from that and my relationship with my partner is pretty much perfect. We understand each other so well. We went on to have two children of our own, and he has completely taken the role of dad to my first born. The chaos that was in my head is gone, and so is the doubt.