To my daughters father.

It's the early hours of the morning and I've started my day, and once again, I'm letting those silent tears stream for my daughter as my children are asleep, I can not say the words I want to to him, but I need to express them some how. To my daughters father, I know, you are not worthy, your not worthy to see her smile, to see her laugh, to see her walk as you haven't even seen that yet. Your not worthy of this amazing little girl growing faster then you could ever imagine. You walked away, you found your new family, you found them in the early weeks of me being pregnant, unfortunately they don't have names like, tammu, Maria or even Sarah, they have names like, meth, ice, speed, cocaine. You blame me, every chance you get you blame me, but I tried, I really really tried, with every time you hit me,
I got back up and I made excuses for you! For every time you pushed me, three things at me, screamed in my face I told you I was sorry! I told you it was my fault, but I couldn't take that burden anymore! You were not the person I fell inlove with and not the father I dreamed you to be, you never held her for longer then 5 minutes! I had to leave, we weren't safe! Even once
I left I tried for you to see her but I had
To remove myself from that equation, and then you spoke the truth, she was just a line to me, you only saw her as a way to see me. She may be too young to understand but I knowX weather you see her or not, your only going to hurt her. She's beautiful, and your the one missing out, she dances and sings and she really talks to you, you can't understand her but she seems so passionate about whatever she's saying, she lights up the eyes and hearts of everyone
Who gets to know her. You know, everyday I wake up, and I get to watch my heart, walk around outside of my body, and that's what hurts the most, the way I feel about you, is nothing but anger, I don't hurt about what you did to me anymore, I'm
Not scared of you anymore, I no longer think I'm worthless and useless, I no longer love you and I no longer question my decisions and wonder "am I enough?" I hurt for her, I never want her to feel any of the feelings o felt! I know it's enevitable that one day, she's gunna be crying on her bed because she is heartbroken over a friend or some boy, but I never want to see her crying on her bed because her father broke her heart. She is so beautiful, and the sad thing is, emotionally, and mentally, the way she moves and speaks and touches, I see none of you. She has a gentle heart, such a loving laugh and a touch that just melts you, none of that cake from you. And for as long as I can, I will make sure you don't get to feel any of those things, right up until the day, she says "I wanna meet him" that day if it comes, will be the day I have to find you, and I don't think I'll be able to get rid of that feeling of hoping you can't be found. I see your mother still, you obviously don't know this because unlike me, she still loves you and she is still scared of you. She just wants to see her granddaughter and despite the fact I think she should cut ties with you, I won't stop
Her as long as my daughter is safe. She tells me things, a lot of things, things that shatter my heart for my baby girl that little bit more. I suffered, I suffered bad from you and
I can't help but feel like she will too, and you will never imagine how hurtful that is, but I try to smile, and try to believe she will know she's better off, I act like your absence doesn't effect me, but it does, but only for her. I've met someone, he is so amazing, and so patient. He loves us. If I could see you right now, the words I would say would come out of a smirked face, whilst I stare in your eyes, and tell you, you didn't loose the best thing you ever had when you lost me, you lost the best thing you ever had when you lost her, and one day, maybe not today, maybe not next year but one day you will have that gut wrenching feeling and that empty feeling in your heart when you realise, she was it, she was everything, and she's now gone. She's gunna change the world one day, I can see it in her eyes, she is going to do amazing things, she's so smart so I know, she will probably want to meet you for herself, but it won't be long and she will for herself, work out who you really are, and for only moments, you got to know this amazing being, and then she will be gone. You wait, you just wait.! I have SO much more to say but I can hear her giggling in her cot, waiting to start the day, she doesn't really cry ever, I guess that just adds to how gorgeous she really is. Thankyou all for reading.