This is a long story, so I will try to break it down...I am separated and have a 7 year old son. His mum has recently had a break up with her husband and they have 2 boys. She now has a new partner who is moving in- all within 3 months. She works part time and the ex husband has his boys 4 days per week, including my son. I have confronted both of them as to why this occours and she tells me she can't handle my son and needs a break, the ex is happy to take him but understands my frustration. I live 1.5 hours away but working on a plan to move closer to start legal proceedings( i have a fiance and my other kids also but they will not be moving with me- due to work commitments).She took him out of school for a week and dropped him off to me. She never called him or replied to any txt msgs asking when he can call her as he misses her...but no reply....her ex came on the sunday and picked him up so he would not miss more school. It was suggested that I keep him and enrol him in school where i live, but I want to do everything by the book. Has anyone got any recommendations on taking this path? I have been having him every weekend and all school holidays for most of the year, and he spends more time with the ex husband than with her. Also, my biggest concern os that She currently has him on 20mg lovan, but the ex husband mentioned to me that he has never seen a script or box of medication with my sons name on it. I am in the process of seeing a pediatrician, and seen a lawyer to get medical records from the specialist he took him to and his Gp where they live.I just need some guidance while I am biting my nails..it just seems to be going in slow motion and i can't seem to find any local support groups. Has any one got any feedback to give?
11 Replies
Have you tried asking for custody? Sounds like mum is overwhelmed and might be happy for the break.
Yes you need to plug back in. You can just ask for the child's medical records, or an appointment to see his specialists as you are his father. Just ring the Drs directly.
You can get things rolling without having to go to court, you have to do mediation first. You can start that directly! You can't go to court unless you have a certificate to say mediation was attempted anyway. So getting it done and the ball rolling it might actually surprise you as to the outcome.
If there are no court orders you could have kept the child with you and enroled the child in school with you. Of course things would get nasty and probably not the best way to do things.
I definitely think it's right that you move closer, so that you can monitor things and be more involved/hands on/be at Drs appointments etc.
But you need to know, full custody is very very rarely awarded to one parent unless there is severe abuse! So asking for full custody would be futile. You want to ask for a shared care arrangement. It will look better for you and will be better for your son. It would be quite reasonable to ask for 4 days with you (instead of being with step dad) and 3 days with mum. It doesn't give mum a leg to stand on argument wise!
Thank you for replying. I have asked her and she says no each time. I keep suggesting it as the ex husband has him and his 2 boys 4 days per week, i have him weekends- picking him up from school on a friday going home sunday, so that only leaves one day left for her to have him...i very much doubt she needs a break?? Sorry if that sounds judgmental. its easy to say move to be closer, but I have a family also and will have to find work in a small rual town. I know getting full custody is a long shot and i would be more than happy to have 4 days a week..or she could see him every second weekend and half school holidays as i use to do. I will look in to mediation first thing tomorrow. And thanks, i didn't kniw the doctors would give me that information. Cheers!
Keep in mind it will be important to him to maintain a relationship with his brothers too, the time he's with his ex-stepdad is also time with them
If they work the days out right he will see his brothers at his mums house!
I dont see why you should or have to move. An hour and a half isnt far. Ask her to swap fays so you have him the days ex has him, and offer to also cover weekends and be flexible for her as you understand shes struggling at this time.
Perhaps opn talks with her, get an understanding of things. Be aware he may have been prescribed meds. The ex may be a tad bitter after what shes just done. She may feel it i sgood he is being inckuded with his brothers and the man who was his father figure in his home while they were married, with two kids it must have been for a substantial time.
Once you understand her, you can meet her needs and hopefully the negotiation will go better.
And i agree you do need to plug in. Talk to his school, take him to the dr yourself. Be present and involved.
I believe therea a strong dads rights custody support group on facebook , ive heard about it but dont know the name. Hoepfully someone will help.
Im just going to suggest that this way works for her because she has him spread out whereas if you take him weeks she has him three day weekends and he misses out on seeing the ex. So i can see why this works for her, and with balancing tthree kids, two exes and a new bf she would want a schedule that works for her and gives her a break compared to one that doesnt. If you listen carefully youll find a solution that meetsboth of your needs.
Thanks for the comments. I understand the need to maintain a relationship with the ex and his brothers. He went to the movies with them over the weekend. I just dont understand why she feels the need to push her kids away just because of a new relationship..I have asked her, more than once to swap days so she can have a break and i get to have my son. She will not agree and i keep in contact with her ex to be updated on his whereabouts- as he has missed school without telling me and been in another town with the exes mum when he could be with me. I have had him since thursday and she will not reply to txts or calls, just to say good morning or good night or even a hello..you are right, 1.5 hours isn't far and I shouldn't have to move, but when your child is constantly missing school and being pushed aside for a new relationship and not allowing me to have him instead, then it really leaves me with no option. She looks pretty happy within herself, i would barely think she is going through a difficult time...she seems to be very social and happy with her new found love..i think its more the case she needs to stop and understand that she can live her life but let me be the primary carer until she feels like being a mum again. Its actually not all about her...I actually don't know anyone who has pushed their kids away to this extreme for a new relationship...now don't bite my head off, you don't know the whole story, im just telling bits of the better parts and she isnt having to balance a lot lately...i just wanted advice and maybe support. Guess this place is for all the hard done by mums out there :/ theres imperfect dads too
How were we not supportive?
Perhaps you read the replies wrong because they actually were quite supportive and no one was biting your head off.
So her ex husband who isn't even your sons dad is being given more access to you son than you? That's ridiculous! Of course he still needs to maintain a relationship with the man who helped raise him and his brothers but that should not be prioritised over time with his dad!!!! Your ex sounds like she is acting extremely selfishly! Take her to mediation, if you pay for mediation it's quite quick then if you can get her to come to an agreement with you at mediation, you can have it signed by both parties in the presence of an appropriate witness and can then be submitted to the court to be turned into court orders making it legally binding- it'll make it a much simpler, cheaper and less stressful process for everyone involved! I don't buy into "she sounds like she needs a break" crap, she sounds like she's thinking of herself. She needs to wake up and realise that palming the poor boy off like she is is only going to cause him damage! He needs stability and a parent/s who show him at all times that they love him and will be there to help and support him. If it's too much trouble for her to speak to him for 20min on the phone while he's away then I wonder how well she's actually caring for him when he's with her?
And I can see why you were less than impressed with the responses, if roles were reversed and it was a woman writing this, a lot of people would be saying what a selfish arse the make was and that he's a dead shit dad who doesn't deserve his kids!
I hope you are able to work something out that is in your sons best interest as it very much sounds like his mum is failing him.
Nope i wouldnt assume hes a dead beat dad and encourage hating each other.
It doesnt help anything, i think this op has a bit of spite and presumption towards herand i dont think it helps anything when coparenting.
My post was helping him get what he wants by encouraging him to negotiate with abetter attitude. catch more flies with honey. He doesnt get to judge if she needs a break or is or isnt coping, its not his business and wont help him.
Do you pay child support ?? Perhaps she does t want to give up custody cos she will loose the payments. I would be speaking to lawyers and trying mediation if that doesnt work then off to court. And the part about your son being on meds buts no scripts or drugs ever been seen is massive warning lights to me.