just about everyday we get asked by someone, "are you okay?" We generally tell them yes, although, I'm sure I'm not the only one whose lied about the fact, I'm not okay. I'm far from okay, but I will be okay. I wanna share with you why I'm not okay, what is bothering me, and if you feel up to it, share your own worries and problems etc. anyway, today I'm not okay, most days I'm not okay, my kids are so full on at the moment and my life just feel likes its hanging in the air, Ive recently come out of a DV relationship, and I don't know how to actually "come out" of the relationship, I've left but I can't stop my egg shell walking and the lot to go with it, I've tried counselling but considering I'm still receiving counselling from the sexual assault I received as a child I'm not yet ready to try to over come the rest. Truth be told,
I'm a fucking mess, I'm so mad at myself
That I've let my child hood abuser control my life for more then 10 years after the years of assault and I'm so mad that I've let my adult abuser still control me after I left a year ago. My dad has little to know interest in me or his only grandchildren and I just don't want to adult anymore, I cry all the time, no one would actually know though. My kids keep trashing the house and I'm not keeping up, I'm really struggling with every day life, I want to work but won't be able to afford the daycare fees and no one else can help, I have and do nothing for myself and I am not coping. I am not okay, I'm far from okay, but I'll one day get through this...
Are you okay?!
3 Replies
Im glad you wrote this. You have a lot on. Keep up the psychologist, mine gave me some practical tools to help me move on. Theres actual steps you can take to create your new life and routine and make your happiness happen. I knwo its hard when you feel shit about yourself and you have nothing and everything seems hard, so take it slowly, baby steps. I challenge you to do one thing that makes you happy this week, to pamper yourself. Eat chocolate in bed. Have a bubble bath. Drink wine. Get a pedi. Paint your nails, buy yourself a book /magazine. Something just for you.
And something you enjoy to do with your kids. Paint, write, do photography, draw, play soccer, pick flowers, celebrate what you hasve and how far youve come! x
I was just thinking the same. I am not okay and I don't know why I have to put on an act and say I am okay.i am not. If I didn't have children I would seriously just kill myself but I do?, and the scary part is after reading that having a depressed Mum (like I did) makes you more likely to grow up the same, and realising that you're a shit Mum cause it takes me half an hour lately to get out of my warm patch in my bed to make a simple sandwich, that everything seems like efford and every other aspect of my life is broken and feel to hard to fix. I dont want that around my children so I'm starting to figure out if they really better off without me which fucking hurts. But I wouldn't wanna risk them falling into the hands of my parents. My mums just as bad as me and my dad sounds much the same as yours, no sexual abuse but mental and emotionally he killed me, and he still has some sort of a hold on me where one he thinks he can dictate my life and critisize me for everythint and is beginning to treat my children like shit too, yet they still make me feel guilty if i dont visit. I have no idea how im going to make it. Everything is an effort. Yet the next time someone asks me if im ok the answer will be yes.
Your story is so similar to mine. Im dealing with a range of emotions that have recently been bought to the surface by a trigger. My trigger was finding the police officer that handled my case when I was child (20 yrs ago I was molested over a 12 month period by my mothers boyfriend). Over the years I was abused other times by different men, it was like I had a sign inviting them to hurt me. At 16 I lost my virginity, it wasnt one of those stories you remember fondly years later... I was raped by my 30 yr old neighbor. I then at 17 got into a relationship with an older man, I fell pregnant within a month and the abuse started when I was 5 months along. I stayed for 5 yrs and had 2 children before I left. My dad hasnt been around since I was 4 and has never met his grandchildren or even spoken on the phone to them. I have a range of mental illness diagnosis that is attached to my file. Although I have met a lovely man that I feel safe with and have spent the last 6 yrs with, I still have nights where my past haunts me and I cant sleep.I cope alot better then I did years ago, I used self harm as a coping mechanism, my arms are filled with scars from cutting and burning myself. I have sat on my learners for about 11 yrs now as I cant get over the fear of having to possibly sit in the car.. alone.. with a strange man to do my driving test. Friends always question why but I havent told them why, how do you explain such an irrational fear to somebody who has never been through what I have? I tend to duck and run when childhood conversations come up... while my friends were happy children holidaying with their families I sat in court room facing my attacker, its not exactly a happy memory to contribute to the conversation.
So in short on the outside im ok, I seem a little weird but mostly just a normal functioning person but inside... I am far from ok