Sorry this isn't 'mum' related, but I have an issue regarding my so called best friend, and I could really do with some advice from people who don't know me.
Basically Iv been friends with this person since school, and she's the only friend that's stuck by me since Iv had kids, it's true what they say about finding out who your true friends are when u have children. Most of the others have faded away and not spoken to me for years!
Anyway, this friend has always been really close to me, and before she got married (I was her bridesmaid) we saw each other quite a bit.... Going shopping for dresses, meals out to plan hen do etc etc. Well she got married last yr, and ever since she's seemed to make less and less of an effort with me. I don't think her husband likes me very much, and that's ok, he doesn't have to like me just cos in his wife's best friend. It's not ideal of course, but it's ok, I can live with it. But she seems to be slowly cutting me out. It used to be that we would see each other Atleast every few weeks, but right now I haven't seen her for 4 months! And every time I suggest meeting up for whatever reason I just get a straight forward no. I know she's been depressed, and I thought it may have just been that she just didn't feel like socialising, but she's always putting on Facebook about going out with other people, so it's not just that she's depressed and doesn't feel like socialising, it seems she's ok to go out with other people, just not me! She has cancelled numerous outings with me claiming she's 'too depressed to leave the house', but then she's out with other people.
I know this all just sounds like I'm jealous, and I suppose I am, but in wondering why she has such a problem with me?! Before her wedding last yr, there was the hen do, and trying to cut a long story short, a load of us went out for a meal, I was given the bill and the responsibility of working out who had to pay what etc. And basically I totally miscalculated, and there was a big argument cos I'd messed up. Iv apologised a million times for what happened, I'm only human it was a genuine mistake, it's not like I planned to ruin her night. Like I said Iv apologised numerous times and she said it was ok. But I don't know if that was the turning point that made her want to cut me out.
Iv asked her numerous times why she doesn't seem interested in our friendship anymore, and Iv apologised time and time again for whatever it is that Iv done to make her feel like she needs to cut me out. She says she's not sitting me out and that she's just busy and doesn't have much free time. But she has enough free time to see other people?!
GRRRR it does my head in so much. I just wish she would tell me what Iv done! She hasn't made the effort for my birthday again, and doesn't seem bothered that I live 5 mins up the road but apparently she's too busy to see me!! She never asks how my kids are, never asks about anything, and it's always me texting her and asking how she is. This is not a 2 way street anymore, it's always me making any sort of effort,
Guys basically what I'm asking is do u think all of this sounds like my friend is cutting me out of her life, but is just too chicken to tell me?! Iv said to her before I wish she would just tell me so I can stop worrying about if. If she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore just bloody tell me. But she just says everything is fine. Well it's obviously not and its taking over my life worrying about it!! I'm sorry for messing up her hen do with the miscalculation, I didn't deliberately set out to ruin that night, Iv apologised a million times, I don't know what else I can do!! I'd hate to think that it's her husband turning her against me, fair enough if he doesn't like me, but I was friends with her long before he was ever on the scene, so he has no right to turn her against me.
Please someone just tell me I need to snap out of it ?
26 Replies
P.s sorry for spelling mistakes
Ok, you need to back right off. If someone kept asking if they'd done something wrong and asking if she was still my friend and kept asking for forgiveness I'd be Freaked out. It all sounds a bit high school. That would push me away, not want me to spend more time.
Friendships change over time. How often you see someone, how much you have in common etc. especially if you are still in the workforce, making new friends etc, different people have more in common etc. High school friends do become less important and you start seeing less and less of them. So I only see my high school friends every few years. This is quite normal. Because people change and grow, get new interests etc.
Plus everyone's definition of friendships is very different. It sounds like you and her expectations of friendship don't match at this time.
So my advice. Relax, stop chasing her. Get on with life. If she is your friend she will contact you or you can contact her saying hi in a few months and see what happens, but chasing her, asking what's wrong etc is just going to grow the gap.
Ok, thank u very much for this comment. You've helped me a lot. Yes she is a 'school' friend, and she's always had other friends (from her work place etc), it just bugs me that she always seems to have time for them, but when I ask her to go out or meet up, it's always a no. I guess it just bugs me.
Let's just say I have A LOT of personal issues, I'm borderline bipolar and have a lot of anxiety issues, and I guess I just care too bloody much. I was her bridesmaid for god sake!! That shows how close we were! N it's just not like that anymore. I'm jealous and I miss her terribly.
I have been bridesmaid for people I see every 12 months only.
Oh and just to add, she still sees her other bridesmaid loads, that bugs me too!! And it was her birthday recently, she didn't invite me to her party, and it was a no when I asked if she wanted to meet up so I could give her her gifts. They r still upstairs in the cupboard, cos I haven't seen her to give them to her!
You need to let this go, you sound a bit stuck.
It might be time to speak to your mental health professional so you can process this.
Friendships have there time and place. It sounds like she is in a very different place to you as far as the importance of this relationship. Trying to hold on to it won't help.
Yes I'm stuck cos she's like my only friend. I need her to tell me if she doesn't want to be friends anymore, rather than taking the cowards way out n telling me everything's fine when it isn't. I know I'm obsessing about it but it's only cos I care too much. And a lot more than her obviously. It's ok for her she's got tonnes of other friends, but Iv got mo1, and what I can't understand is why would she ask me to be her bridesmaid if she was planning to cut me out after the wedding?! I just don't get it
None of that is her fault. She doesn't owe you.
She probably had no plan to cut you out, but things change.
She can't give you what you want
I'm not saying she 'owes' me anything, I'm just puzzled as to why this is happening now.... Yes she's a school friend but we left school 12 yrs ago n have always been close, so why is it just the past few months things have changed?! I just wanna know, and il apologise n try n put right anything/s Iv done wrong
I'm going to say it straight. If you were her boyfriend you come off as an obsessed stalker ex. who won't let go. Just as in dating and friendships you don't always get an explanation and the person doesn't want you to fix it. If she wanted you to have, she would have answered. They are just done.
You need to leave her alone now. Start focusing on how to build new friendships.
I could understand not seeing her for months/years at a time of she lived miles n miles away. But the fact is she lives 5 mins down the road, there is a pub halfway between us that we used to meet at pretty much every Friday for a coffee. But it seems even that is too much for her now. She would rather go out n see someone else than spend half an hour with me
Exactly.
I think you need to read between the lines here. Shes cutting you out, flat out saya no when you want to meet up and spends her time on other people. She ignored your birthday. Youre not her best friend,
Instead of going psycho ex trying to win someone thats treating you badly, realise shes treating youbadly, and let her go.
Give her some distance and see what happens. You will find other friends who are right for you. Keep the doors open so if she wants to be around youre not closing the door on anything, but just put your energy into more positive and rewarding and uplifting things for yourself.
I just need closure. That's the type of person I am. If she is cutting me out, I need her to tell me, rather than just saying everything's fine. I need her to say to me 'yeah I don't want to be friends with u anymore'. Iv asked her time n time again!! Yes I'm stuck on this, cos she's like my only friend. It's ok for her she has loads of friends from work etc, I don't work ATM cos of kids so I have no other friends to focus on! N we've always been close, I just don't know why she's doing this NOW!! Why ask me to be her bridesmaid if she doesn't like me n was planning to cut me out?! I just don't get it!!
None of that is your 'friends' problem. It's not her fault you have children and she isn't responsible for your situation.
We need to take responsibility for our own feelings as adults. And quite frankly she might be scared to tell you. Your friend has her own baggage just as you do.
She may have had a bunch of reasons to have you as a bridesmaid she probably had no intentions of cutting you out. That's just life sometimes.
Tomorrow you need to ring your counsellor or psychologist to start talking this out with them.
Ok u need to stop with the patronising! There's nothing wrong with caring too much, I don't need psychiatric help cos in hurting about losing a friend. Get off your high horse
I understand, but most people dont want to say that to someone. What they want is the person to take the hint and back off and be a casual acquaintance, a friendship that understands space and time, or maybe a friendship that is just a person you used to know. She may not wish you badly or hate you or planned this, sounds like she doesnt want to get into a drama or argument or cause bad feelings - especially if she doesn't see herself then wanting to fix that and try again at a close friendship. Its just literally run its course and she has nothing to give you right now.
Maybe im wrong, but if you leave the door open, youre not losing her either.
And i understand how it is that shes your only friend and possibly thats why its too much pressure on her, but its a good sign for you to go out and start making new connections and other people you can call on.
I hope you read back every thing youve listed shes done to you, and you realise, this is not your friend. Why are you hanging for her to say magic words 'i dont want to be friends' why do you need that when all her actions are telling you that shes a crap friend. Not even a friend, she missed your birthday. Didnt invite you to hers. didnt even meet up do YOU can give HER a present.
Stop overthinking the why and can yu fix it, this is leading me to think youre a bit low and maybe struggling and wanting to hold on. Ive seen you try so hard to think what you could have done, but homestly, nothing you did deserves this. Youre beating yourself up for the wrong reason. Its nothing you did. Nobody deserves this. Stop accepting it! Thats what she wants too. What you are doing that you can fix, is stop trying so hard for someone who doesnt see your worth. You will never make someone see it if they dont. And if they dont, they dont deserve you. Just stop putting so much of your valuable time and effort and friendship into this woman who doesnt appreciate it.
Its sad when a friendship ends, when youre not ready, it can be so sad, but there is a danger in caring too much. Dwelling too much. It can be a bad thing. Its not healthy. For you or for her. Its not a healthy place to keep yourself here, caring about this as much as you do. Like all break ups you need to realise you deserve better, mourn something that was great but no longer is, then make a plan for moving forward. what you want in a friendship and where and how youre going to start fresh meeting your kind of people.
Your comment made me cry, but in a good way lol. I think you've just said exactly what I needed to hear. She has been a crap friend for so long!! Iv always been there for her thru everything, but she hasn't been there for me. Hasn't made an effort so many times, the one that sticks out is a baby shower I had a few yrs ago when I was preggo with my 2nd, she didn't even make the effort to attend.
Like I said I'm just waiting for her to say 'those magic words' cos that's just the kind of person I am, and if she said the words then I would Atleast have closure on this. But while she's fobbing me off saying everything's fine (when it obviously isn't), then it's just hurting me more n more and I'm fretting over what Iv done or said that's upset her n I haven't even realised.
I'm not a very confident person and I don't like 'going out n meeting new people'. I get judged a lot on how I look, (im a large girl) so it just makes me want to stay indoors all the time. I have no confidence atall. And all this with my 'friend' really isn't helping. As people have said its prob not anything IV done or said, it's just that she's moved on from our friendship. I JUST WISH SHE WOULD BLOODY TELL ME, instead of leaving me in limbo wondering what the hell Iv done wrong
And heres the really crap thing i learned, when you hold on for someone that doesnt want you, because youre already low, you get lower, it hurts, you feel more worhless, you wonder whats wrong withh you, why. But! When you accept theyre not seeing your worth and move on, you find the gold you deserve. You find people who treat you right and make you feel good and show you everything thats good about you, and you also ditch people who make you quwstion everything thats wrong with you. Its a really tough cycle that holds the struggling people down and keeps the strong people strong.
You need to change your thinking, or your behaviour, to get onto the cycle of a strong, healthy person.
My advice is to say the words yourself, you dont want to be a good friend to me, and make a big effort to move yourself on.
Perhaps she is not cutting you out so much as just trying for a little more distance in the friendship. Friendships change over time. Right now it seems she's not that interested in making an effort and whilst that might change in the future, you need to just let her be and back off. Down the track she might instigate something (or she may not) and then it will be up to you to decide if there is any value in you pursuing friendship.
You are coming across as very needy and the more you chase her, the more she will want to distance herself from you. FWIW, i don't think its the husband or the hens night so much as she just simply does not value your friendship the same way you do. In this case, there is nothing that you can do except move on with your own life and make other friends.
I know that someone else suggested seeing a counsellor. I am suggesting this too. Not because you have any psychiatric issues (how would i know??) but because you said that the worrying about this is taking over your life. Thats not healthy and seeing a counsellor (not for medications but simply just to talk and hear their thoughts) might be a way for you to move past this issue - speaking from experience, it helped me a lot in accepting some extended family issues.
I've been stuck exactly where you, know exactly how you feel but it was a marriage break up. It is the worst place to be, I feel your anguish in your posts. He just left and gave me no reason, no closure, nothing! You know when I was liberated, when I realised the reason won't change the outcome. Making him not be a coward and say it, won't change the outcome. I have learnt so much from this very painful experience, you won't always get the closure you need. It's a fact of life. I was miserable in that marriage and it is probably the only good thing he did for me. You just have to find a way to move forward, when that record in your head starts playing on repeat, shut it down, stop those thoughts, change your focus. You deserve better than this, you deserve some respect and you aren't going to get it, so stop chasing it. Don't mean to sound harsh but I just don't want you to be stuck in that dark place too long.
While i think you have already gotten the answer you came here for, i wanted to add my bit.
Of course she stopped seeing you after the wedding, she was a newly wed and her free time should be spent with her husband.
Also a quick question, you say you live 5 mins away and that she has been depressed, have you just gone over to her house? Just showed up with tea and sympathy because you were worried about her or wanted to check on her? Or are you always waiting for her to come to you?
I dont think she wants to kill the friendship but just put some distance in it.
Firstly, I get that after the wedding she would want to spend her time with her husband. I'm not saying I expected her to spend time with me. What I am saying is, after I was bridesmaid at her marriage, she changed towards me, and not just 'cos she's married now', she just totally stopped talking to me/texting me. They had lived together for years before they got married and she had always maintained a friendship with me, so it wasn't like all of a sudden she married a guy and started spending time with him, they had been together FOR YEARS!! Sorry but u don't just start avoiding your so called best friend cos you're married now. She maintained all along that 'nothing would change' after they got married, apart from the fact she would havea wedding ring on her finger. But the whole dynamic of our friendship changed. And it wasn't that she was just wanting to spend time with her husband, cos as Iv said before, she was still putting all over Facebook that she was goin out with other people, going on spa days with her other friends, so it's just me that she changed towards, after she got married. It's hard to explain, but hopefully u get the gist of what I mean....
And as for the depression thing, Iv have said to her numerous times that she's welcome to call in for a coffee any time. She's the sort of person I know for a face she would hate me to just turn up at her house unannounced, I know she wouldn't see it as the nice surprise I would intend it to be. She would hate it. I have depression myself so I know how she feels, u don't want people coming round all the time, u don't wanna leave the house.... And I would get it if she just didn't feel like socialising atall, but again, it seems it's just me that she's 'too depressed to socialise with' cos she seems to be OK to go out with others
I know exactly how this feels.
My bestie was my maid of honour at my wedding 5 plus years ago and she has pretty much cut me out of her life slowly since then. I don't have a sister and she was the closest thing to one so its hurt like hell for me. She got engaged earlier this year and I found out 4-5mths later through a Facebook post telling everyone. So it's safe to say we won't be attending her wedding at all. It makes me sad because we have such a history - friends since primary school and she was a rock when my 1st marriage ended and through my divorce and vice versa but that all seems to have gone by the wayside.
I've since decided to move on and if our friendship is supposed to continue then somehow it will and if not then instead of mourning the loss I'll celebrate what our friendship was.
Friends grow apart. Situations change and to be honest, this sounds like it's run it's course. I am in a similar situation-life long friends, growing apart and not feeling like they have a place in each other's lives anymore. I pushed for a time but then I realised that some people just grow apart and when the effort to keep a friendship going isn't mutual, it is no longer a friendship. Stop chasing. I was the chaser. STOP IT. If she wants to be friends, she will be and it's then up to you to decide whether or not you can put the past behind you and continue the friendship. For myself, i love this person but they are no longer my best friend. We have many happy years and memories but I can no longer keep the friendship afloat on my own. Best of luck hun. I hope everything works out and you have some clarity from all the responses xxx