Ladies I'm needing some advice. I left my ex 3 years ago and have been single since. I left due to him being incredibly manipulative and controlling. He was emotionally absusive. He would have sex with me whilst I slept. He would ignore me an the kids for days if I argued with him. He came and went as he pleased.
The break up was intense, and if anything things got worse for at least a year after.
I had given up on meeting some despite only being young because not just the kids, but the ex.
Fast forward to now.
He's still manipulative and controlling. He has no sense of reality or responsibility. He's an only child and is 33 still living with his parents, and terrible with money. Only recently started paying child support due to it being taken straight from his wages by csa. He still makes comments that make my skin crawl. Dictates where I can live. Despite being with in a 2 hour radios. When he struggles to get a reaction out of me he will talk to the kids. ( for example, I suggested moving to a beautiful area 1 hour an 30 mins away for my child to attend a different school due to having some difficulties at school. At first he said yes whatever it takes, 10 mins later was full of abuse. And then told my child that if she moved then she would never see daddy again. And told me I was selfish for not explaining to her just how far away I was taking her. I even offered to bring the kids back and pick them up for he's exact visitation so literally nothing at all changed for him. She was 5 at the time and spent a week wetting herself at school. She had already been diagnosed with anxiety previous to this )
I've since just ignored anything that makes me cranky and done what he wants to keeps the peace as he's easier to deal with, but I now have a partner. My ex is yet to find out.
I'm terrified. I'm literally shitting myself as to how he will react.
My now partner is such a beautiful. An I'm worried my ex will scare him off. In fact, I expect that.
When we separated I attempted mediation 5 times all failed as he just refused to take part. I attempted to go to court however I wasn't "fighting" for anything I just wanted a parenting order just so I knew if something happened I could get them back. My lawyers advice was just to move and don't allow him access till he attempts to take me to court. I don't have the balls for that.
What do I do? How can I get control of my life back ?
What's the appropriate way to let him know I have a partner and I at some point would like my partner to spend time with the children.
I can't even imagine how he would react when the time comes for me to actual live with someone else.
It's so tricky as he isn't bad enough to do something about but he's bad enough for me to worry over my safety and worry he's going to make my life hell.
Sorry for this being so long. Any advice?
I feel so alone in this.
9 Replies
Get legal advice again, and get the balls to follow through. It's the only way something changes. Sorry but that's all you can do. It will take away you having to communicate with him directly. Keep evidence of everything, only communicate through texts and emails. Never face to face or over the phone.
Ahh. I feel for you. I'd broach the subject of a parenting order to get things really set in stone. If he refuses to comply then you will go to court.
The thing is, your daughter has obviously already been seriously affected by this man. Are you willing to let him ruin her life (and yours) because you're scared? You both deserve to be happy and he sounds like a real prick of a thing. Get legal advice.
As for the new man. Have a serious conversation with him. Exactly what you've said here. Make sure he knows what he's getting into so he isn't caught off guard. There are a lot of tough men out there and there's a good chance he won't be scared off and loves you and will do anything to protect you from this ex. Let him help you. X
Thankyou!
I have already called a lawyer and asked advice on everything, she said in regards to the new man my concern is that he'll attempt to scare him, intimidate him he will make false allegations etc. she said to not let them meet or be in contact to prevent anything. The new man does know what an arse he is. But knowing/hearing and experiencing it is all very different.
It's giving me the worst anxiety. I hate this whole mess!!
Hey just a heads up, my partner has been threatened and abused my ex but my partner just ignores him and has stood by me through all of it and has been nothing but a fantastic step father. Hes been my rock through all of the horrible bits. But i had that anxiety he would be scared off too. But turns out the good ones stick around xxx
Definitely get a parenting order in place.
As for your partner he has no say in who you date unless there a danger to the children and even then that's hard to prove. My husbands ex is with a horrible person and my husband can't seem to do anything about it even though she had lost custody of the children for a year as her last boyfriend beat his son up pretty bad. and if he starts making life difficult because you have a partner it is going to go against him.
Honestly he won't change, I left my relationship 5 years ago and gave up trying a year into our break up and left the country due to him being violent toward myself and my daughter (with help from child services and police we got out) and even now he abuses me and my now partner calls us useless then I'll offer to come back for a holiday and he disappears again.. He doesn't wanna be a dad he wants to complain about not having the opportunity. My advice would be get on with it focus on what's best for you and your child and good luck keep safe!
And I didn't tell my ex about my partner Untill 3 years into our relationship it helped we live over seas and have minimal contact (haven't heard from him since 2014)
But I did pre warn my incredibly gentle now partner of just how crazy my ex is and he handles it like a champ! Our love is stronger than a crazy ex ?
Go through court! Don't let him dictate how to live your life, if you want to move away do it! What if he finds out you have a new relationship and he keeps the kids from you because of it? You need to stop living in fear and do something about it, get an AVO so he can't constantly harass you and try to control you further and get a court order! Change your number for family and friends and keep that one for him. You can't live your life like this and you can't allow him to treat you and the kids this way, protect them and protect yourself
Hey. I have been in your exact shoes and am currently going through a long horrible process of mediation, court etc now years after it all began!
I was so terrified of telling my ex about my new partner 5 years ago and when I did he reacted the exact way I expected. Full of threats and verbal abuse, refused to see our son for 6 months unless i left my partner. It was horrible. But if I could go back now I wish I did the following:
I wish I found myself a decent lawyer. I wish i screen shot every nasty message he sent and kept them on file. I wish I documented every horribke phone call. I wish I got an AVO on him and had him charged for every time he breached it. I wish I followed through with mediation and when he refused to attend I wish I took it further and went through family court. I wish I stood up for myself then and showed i wouldnt be threatened and abused and intimidated when things weren't going his way.
I didnt leave my partner and we are now engaged and have another child together but my ex hasnt made things easy over the years, using intimidation whenever he wanted something and I wish we had court orders years ago.
You need to find the courage to follow through with all if it! Dont let him bully you into backing down otherwise you will spend your life bowing down to him and thats not fare. You may share a children together but he doesnt get to dictate your life. As long as the children are safe and cared for, your life is none of his business.
Surround yourself with supportive people, and find a good counsellor and lawyer and go through all of it! It gets really tough but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Having a shitty ex shouldnt be a life sentence of punishment from them.