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Hi IM's... I need some advice.
Please try and keep a non racist mindset as much as possible when replying... You will see why soon ;)
My husband and I are at a standstill with what our future holds and we can't seem to agree on such a big life decision and im concerned it will end our marriage. ?
Here is the long back story..
My husband 28, is indian.. I am 23 and australian. My husband has been here in Australia on his own since he was 19years old, basically his whole adult life..
We have been happily married for 5 years now, we love each other very much and he makes me feel safe and I used to trust him so much..
We have 2 beautiful children. 4year old boy and 6 month old girl.
I used to think my husband was very australian compared to other Indians and hardly traditional at all.. In the last 5 years of our marriage I have met my in laws 3 times.. The first two times they came to Australia and LIVED in OUR house for 3 months.. Spending our money for everything including their phone credit, clothes.. Anything! This is supposedly the culture.. The son looks after and provides for the parents when they are older ( my husband is the only son).
Now fast forward to January 2016... I was heavily pregnant and they wanted to come to be here for the baby to arrive... So once again they came and lived in our house, spending our money in January.. They let us assume their visa was the same as the old one and only let them stay for 3 months at a time.. Once they arrived, we find out they R planning to live with us for 12 months!!! Spending our money, living off only our 1 income, and taking our new babies bedroom so we were crowded in our own room with a baby. After 6 months I managed to convince them to leave with a few little lies here and there which my husband agreed with.
BUT.. My father in law DIED on the plane trip back to India!!! He was sick before he even came to australia which we told him to wait until he felt better before he visited, but they R the most stubborn people u could meet!
Problem being is that now my husbands sisters and mum blame me for his death, because I "forced" him on the plane.. Even tho he was sick before he came. And it was only me who was taking care of his health while he was living with us!
Now my husband is extremely torn between his responsibilities in Australia, being his wife and kids.. And his responsibilities in India!
Because being the only son, my husband has to send her money each month for her to live on and also in their culture normally the son and his family (me and the kids) live with the mans parents and he looks after them, but because my husband is in Australia; she is left alone.
My husband asked me if I would move over there... I said no way! I said the kids have school here and I don't want to lose my rights as a women over there!
My husband has been saying a few things that R sending off red flags for me... Like asking me to trail India for 3 months and if I don't like it then we will think of something else.. But when I ask what something else will be because I know I won't like it, he can't give me an answer.. He also says something like if I don't like India after 1 week I can go back to Australia but leave our son there with him for the rest of the 3 months because he wants to show him the life there... I was like ummm hell no!
Now for the massive red flag!... I found in his history search he had done a very in depth search regarding divorce! I confronted him about it and all he said was it was stupid that he looked at it and he was just curious and bored but it would never happen... Which still doesn't sit right with me..
I don't want to lose my rights as a women, and move to India for 3 months, take my son out of school, and live with my mother inlaw and a small village who think It's my fault for the death of his dad when I don't know if he is 100% committed to our marriage ?
The only reason I was willing to trial India for 3 months was to prove to him that im willing to trail it and show him im committed to our marriage and prove that Im trying... But now I don't want to put myself or the kids through that when I'm not sure if he is 100% committed..
And it kills me to say this at all because I really do love him!
But I don't want to be "one of those stories" that you hear about where the husband takes the wife and kids to India and traps them there.. Or takes the kids there and never comes back.. (luckily they don't have a passport yet). Or even because of the fact that his family think it's my fault for the death of my father in law, it's india.. It only takes a little bit of money to get me out of the picture permanently if you know what I mean!!! Like I trust my husband wouldnt do that, but I don't trust his family! His mums ideal future would be for her son and grandkids to live with her in India and me out of her life! And my husband has absolutely no balls when it comes to going against his mums wishes!
My husband and I could tell that when his parents where living with us for 6 months this year that they were trying to seperate us ?
I really do love my husband, and we R still living a normal happy marriage, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him..
but when ever this subject comes up I just don't know what to say or do ?
I don't want to be blinded by love, and my kids are always my number 1 priority.
Do I go to India and hope he is being genuine?
Do I offer for him to go over there by himself every 6 months?
Do I offer for him to go over there for 2 years by himself if he is so keen to live there and just hope he comes back?
Do I just say lets seperate (even though I really don't want to!) and hope after the initial 12 months seperation period that he changes his mind and realises his life is here?
Any ideas!!??
7 Replies
You absolutely DO NOT go to India! As you will most probably not ever be able to return home with your children. You need to seek legal advice. But enforcing family law across countries is near impossible. Do Not allow your children to go to India. If you went to India and then separated you would have to abide by the Indian family law system. No way would my kids ever be leaving Australia.
I have been married to an asian and know many women who have.
Do not take your children. You already see his values are different to yours and he will happily keep the child there. Do not risk it. No he will need to find a way to make this work. Equally he put on this australian image when you married and he knew you when he married you, he chose that not an indian woman now he needs to respect that. Dont lose yourself trying to bend for him and 'his culture'.
Yes you stand by your values. You find a solution here, i f he cant do that you need to realise he values other things higher than he does you, his marriage and his family (your and his kids) and let him go accordingly. Or you will ens up in a long term situation of being manipulated and doing things to please his values while he is blatantly putting you and yours at the bottom of his list. You dont want a marriage like that.
No f@&$ing way would I be taking my children to India, you will absolutely get trapped there. I do understand it's his culture but I honestly do not get why anyone would want to take their child from a fortunate country like Australia and make the choice for them to live and grow up in a third world country. Just imagine what your daughters life will be like and there's your answer! If he's willing to abandon his wife and kids because his mum told him to then his values are too different from yours and it was never going to work anyway.
Hell no don't change who you are. You never asked him to change for you when you got married he chose to live the Aussie way, he chose to come here, now he's asking you to change and move, hell no. You need to tell him we aren't in India and we are not going to India. You need to put your priorities here over your mother. She is your mother and I am your wife. If he can't do that then he needs to leave without your children.
Definately seek legal advice because you have a right to be fearful here. A Google search I just did confirms that India is not a signaturtory to The Hague Convention which means If he chooses not to return to Australia there's nothing you can do about it. Quite literally. Tread very carefully. I'd be telling him he can go but you and kids stay here where their lives have been built. Even if you trust him could you take the risk? There are definately red flags here and I wouldn't be ignoring them. Good luck..
Don't do it.
I get bad vibes here.
I feel like he (or his family) will trap you in India.
If you leave for 3 months, you definitely will not return with the kids.
I say send him there alone for a few weeks. If he wants to move there, let him. But you need to stay in Australia.
If you mean more to him than his family, then he will return.
The researching in depth - divorce, is the major red flag here. If he was happy in the marriage, there is no way he'd be looking it up. (Does it say what will happen if you went overseas, he realised he wanted a divorce whilst over there, and wanted the kids with him? Maybe that's his plan.
Whatever you do, please don't leave Australia with your kids.
I said that to him the other night, that I love him very much and I don't want to seperate, but I can't go to India not even for a trial. I said maybe we could try and let him go for 6 months on his own and come back. And he said by acting the way im acting leaves him no choice but to leave him, he asked me am I trying to make him leave him. I said no, I'm just saying I can't go to India, but u still can and I'll wait for u here in australia. He kept saying im pretty much asking him to leave him... I then said no im not. But ur basically saying to me that it's india or no marriage. That's sad that he basically has chosen his families Permenent happiness over ours.
There is still not another 1.5 years until he wanted us to trail India, so maybe in that time he will think of another plan, otherwise looks like we R getting a divorce in the future.