I know it is very soon to know exactly what to do but I just want to be prepared.
I have a 11 month old son. Who has never met his dad. I left when I was pregnant due to DV. He has my last name and the dad isn't on the birth certificate. We live in a new state and he has never made contact.
I've meet a new man. His wonderful he has already taken on me and my son like his own little family helps me change him bath him etc. ( yes im looking iut for red flags). He had a talk to me last night about the 'situation'. He said he is greatful he meet us early in my sons life as he will grow up looking up to him as a fatherly figure. He asked what we would tell him later in life. He asked me if we should keep it from him for a very long time as in to his 18. But is that right? What is the right thing to do? How do I tell my son his dad tried to kill him when I was pregnant? But if I do tell him later on when would the best time mentally to tell him.
The other thing is I talk to my ex's first ex. Who has a child to him and we get the half siblings together sometimes to bond. Which is so nice as I always wanted this. And the older sibling knows they are half siblings. So that will be confusing for my son when he is older as he won't get how they are half if he believes my partner is his dad. And the other sibling knows her dad so she would tell him the story later on.
Also what does he grow up calling my new partner. His name or dad?
Suggestions would be helpful.
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8 Replies
Firstly you need to start building a frame work regarding step dad isn't dad. That can be in the form of stories etc. eg there was a mummy and a little boy called (insert your sons name) and they lived on they lived on there own (happily) but one day mummy met a nice guy called (insert step dads name) and he fell in love with mummy and (insert sons name) and so we decided it would be nice if we all lived together.
At this point he should call your partner by his name, but if he later chooses to call him dad that's fine.
That's all you need to say for now. Starting early is best, because it becomes a part of the child's story. As your son grows up he may start to have questions. Then you can answer them in an age appropriate way. So your (bio father) wasn't well enough to be a daddy. You don't need to tell him details until much much much later.
Just be honest.
I'd start around 3-4 and explain that he has a dad and a father. the one who he loves and lives with him is dad and his father wasn't ready to be a dad.
Keep it simple and age appropriate then explain more as he gets older and asks.
Keeping it a secret will do a lot of long term damage.
My brothers always known that 'dad' is t his dad but he because dad when brother was 18mths old. He's always accepted him and treated him as his son and my brother has never questioned or rebelled because he knew the truth from the start instead of a shock
I would not lie to him. Having the sibling will make it easier to being into conversation and explain his situation. 'Mum made you with a different man. Before i met xx. That dad is your dad and xx dad too.'
You dont need to tell him he tried to kill him. Its enough to say him and mummy didnt get on. He wasnt ready to make a nice home and thats what we need.
I was 16 when I found out. I had my moments, but as far as I'm concerned I've got one dad and have never been treated any different and never had any suspicions. Apparently met my sperm donor when I was born and one, but I obviously have no idea. My dad has been in my life since the beginning. The only things I think about is medical, and wonder if I look anything like him and if I have any half brothers or sisters. But it doesn't phase me too much. I'm 31 now. I don't see the need to ever tell my kids that Poppy's not my blood father because he's always been my dad and he's their poppy and they have a bond.
I think that because there's a half sibling that you have contact with and want to keep contact with then it's really important you be truthful . Definitely let your new partner be dad , but as someone else explained call the ex his 'natural father ' or something along those lines . You will find you won't need to explain it until he's 3-4 which is when the 'why' questions start ;) and even then it'll most likely be because you talk about their half sibling and they'll be like 'why?' - I think answer the questions age appropriately as they are asked . Keep it factual (as in the other guy is just how you were made ) and leave out the dv stuff until he's much much older and shows any interest in what happened (probably adolescents by then so it will be easier to explain ) for all other purposes your new partner is the only dad he's known and he deserves the 'dad' title :) being a dad is so much more then dna!!!
It's hard but if you try to keep an open honesty about the facts it will be so much less hurtful when they eventually find out later .
I'm in the same position as your son. I have a biological father who I have never met my mum was always honest with me for as long as i remember. My mum had another partner who was there when I was born i have always called him dad and still do. Sure I've offten wondered about what my real fathers like and what life would have been like with him in it I have tried to contact him and his not interested i wouldn't say it affects me in my day to day life. I believe honestly is always best.
As someone that was raised to believe my dad was my dad, when he actually wasn't. I felt betrayed and lied to. Then to hear horrible things said about my birth father, I felt even worse. Still to this day I find it hard to deal with. I have never met my birth father to this day and have no desire to for my own reasons. I have met and hold dear to me several members of his family including half siblings he had prior to me. Now as a parent, my sons birth father was not around nor involved in our life from early pregnancy. He was not the nicest at that time, and I went through hell. I have been with my now partner since he was 4 months old and he is Dad. My son is now 21. He was actually involved with my son from day one as he was a close friend of mine prior to me even falling pregnant. We raised him to know the truth his whole life and I have never said a bad word to him about his birth father, neither has my partner. Not taking away from you poster your pain of this past relationship, but there is no reason for your child to carry that pain too. If my son does seek out his birth father he has my full support and the full support of my partner. I have to swallow the history and allow him to go with a clean slate and allow him to know the man he is today. Let him form his own judgment with out my feelings clouding him. My partner will too deal with his own feelings without influencing our son. We have had many conversations over the years about this and we both know that our son has a right to know where he came from. Had he had the desire prior to growing up, I probably would have sought him out myself to see if he had changed and was settled in life before my son was introduced. I'll never know for sure as that never eventuated. I know my partner and my self have raised a beautiful young man and I trust whole heartedly his judgement. I hope this helps, it's only our personal experience and no way meant as being judgmental. Good luck mummy, it's a great that your son has a man in his life that has chosen to be a father.... He is a gem!
I met my Husband when my DD was 8 months old. To her, he is her dad...and will always be her dad...no matter what any piece of paper says!
She will never see her biological father for her own safety, however, if she was to find out and ask questions, I would tell her the truth.