Please bare with me this is long. Do I have a right to be angry ?
I am the child from a marriage that stayed together after an affair. And it's shit.
On my way! father had an affair around 20 years ago, I don't entirely know details as I have heard arguments, from friends of the family etc. for whatever reason my mum chose to stay. This has effected me. My mum struggled with being happy which meant we moved countries back an forth a lot. My mum an dad now, are not happy. They seem bitter. My mum is the tradition house wife. But she is that. A wife. She is a wife before she is a mother.
In the last few weeks I have found out more details from a close family friend, and I can't even look at my dad. I don't want to be near him, let alone for him to be around my kids. Sure, he made a mistake. But a mistake isn't an affair. That's a choice. And yes, it was between my mum an dad. But that then trickled down to us..
Do I have a right to be angry ? Is it normal to be angry ?
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6 Replies
I am also the child of a marriage where there was an affair. I don't think the problem is they stayed together, it's that they didn't get past the affair. I don't excuse affairs, they suck, they shouldn't happen.
But 1. You and I should never ever have known there was an affair, who ever told you is a dick!! You don't get children involved in this.
2. You should never have had to hear your parents argue about it. So they were both dicks for that!
My parents didn't ever ague about it, so that I knew, in fact I didn't know until a few years ago and I was in my late 30s. I still don't think I should know about it and if anyone tried to tell me details I'd punch them, because it's none of my business.
What happened between my parents is there business.
What happened to you (having to listen to the argue etc and knowing your parents were unhappy) shouldn't have happened to you. That was wrong on there part and they should have separated rather than visiting there toxicity on you.
My parents clearly worked there shit out in private. I was oblivious and my siblings don't know anything (I'm pretty sure). so the affair itself really doesn't bother me, it's none of my business, it's just a fact I happen to know. If they chose to stay together then that was there decision either way. I imagine deep down inside your mum thought she was doing the right thing by staying.
I think you have a right to be angry. I believe if you cheat on the mother you also cheat on the kids. For whatever reason your mum decided to stay with your dad which is ultimately between the two of them, however if you are really struggling to accept what you have learned perhaps you could speak with your mum and voice your concerns and see what she has to say. No one is perfect but whoever is telling you these things may not have all the information correct, the only people who can give you the correct information are your parents. Also, if your parents are unhappy it may not have anything to do with what happened 20yrs ago, there can be many reasons why a couple are no longer happy. The only way to find out is from speaking to them yourself.
I think you have a right to be angry at their obvious unhappy marriage and how that effected you growing up.
The affair, no it's not your business to know about it or be angry.
It was your parents choice to continue in a unhappy marriage, regardless of whether it was an affair or something else.
My husband had a one night stand... I upped and left with our kids and moved home (11hours away) My oldest child was 10 at the time and the bub was just 3 months old. I left for 2 months. I came back because I loved him and still do but it took me a long time to move past it. My children have heard the arguments. The oldest is now 14, she is the only one who will speak to me about it. The other children were too young to understand and if they ever ask, I will tell them the truth because I dont lie to my children.She's mad but not at her Dad, just at the situation. Reading your story, I wonder if it will affect them when they are older. My oldest has sworn black and blue, that if it ever happens to her, she will leave without a backward glance..... But when you love someone, you look past the action and try to live with the consequences because Love is Love. I had to do a whole lot of soul searching and praying to get past it and now, after 4 years, I am happy. We as a couple have grown so much, it changed our perspective on our life and we appreciate each other and the trust is back. Do you have the right to be angry? Absolutely! Being open and honest within the home may have helped you but I cannot say for every family is different and we are all bought up the way our parents were and we bring the best from our family into our own. Talk to your parents. Maybe your mum hasnt had anyone to talk to. Talk to your Dad too and tell them both what your feeling too. Communication is the key to all of this. I hope you find closure, its messed up for kids.
It's totally ok and normal to be angry ! It's a valid response to finding out someone else has hurt others .
However if your struggling to deal with it emotionally you need to do something about that . Firstly do you have all the information ? Have you spoken to your mum about it and asked her ? It sounds like you have 3rd hand information which may be tainted or twisted . Get the full story .
Secondly really although it was put on to you kids (which it shouldn't have been ) really it was ur parents choices which had those consequences . It was a long time ago so no I don't think it deserves such harsh conditions from you ? If your angry and need to let it out maybe confront your dad on it ? He may not even know what's going on for you and why your so angry !? Maybe he can make an apology to you and open a door for u to forgive ? Maybe having it out in the open will help you all ?
Having an affair really should not = not seeing your grand kids . All your doing there is making it a multi generational issue!! Stop that happening by teaching your kids forgiveness (even if they don't understand it now .) - learn from your parents mistakes and make your own marriage better for it . Change the cycle as you have the power to do that !
My great grandfather had a full time mistress for most of his married life....my grandmother was bitter about it to the day she died it affected her entire attitude towards life and she couldn't stand red heads (including her own grandchildren when they died their hair red) while I think you have a right to be angry don't let it turn you into a bitter old lady because your bitterness will trickle down to your children and rob them of any sort of relationship with their grandfather