Sometimes mummy isn't here. An open letter to my children

I have a lot of difficulties writing so please excuse me if this letter doesn't make sense to a lot of you but I have needed to get it off my chest for some time.

You may to too young to understand, maybe just a bit too small. I really hope you don't remember the times that I'm just not here at all.
I will look at you and you will look at me but I am looking straight past you and I don't known where I am. You cry and laugh and smile and I will do it all to, Ijust wish I could explain how hard it is to you.
Everyday I must remind myself that no matter what is happening in my head to remain calm. To just breath through the chaos and be true to myself. I hope you don't ever have to question who you really are. Some days the chaos consumes me and I sit in the bathroom and cry. I hope you never have to go through this, I hope you understand that I am trying my best. Daddy comes home and holds me and tells me it will be alright and then I cry and you cry and he holds us really tight.
Sometimes I want to give up and let the chaos reign but them I get those glimmers of hope when you run to me and cuddle me. Just for a second, just for a little while, everything is perfect and I wish it was like that always.
Please don't think of me as broken, because I promise I am here. I Will always be here, I will always hold your hand. I will try and smile, laugh and sing; I will try and be a better mum, better than I am right now. Because hopefully one down the chaos will stop and I can be who I really am.