i met my fiancé 5 years ago, we fell in love right away and I fell pregnant 3 months later. We figured it wasn't a problem as we knew we would get married and have kids anyway, we are just doing it out of order now.
Well the honeymoon faze ended quick smart and it didn't take long for me to start resenting him (I was still pregnant). I stayed with him and went on to have another baby to him with only 19 months separating the kids.
I stayed because it's not all bad. If we have a fight he genuinely makes an effort to improve and we are really trying to get through it. I don't want to split up my family. He loves his kids and they love him. No problem there.
I am terrified of doing it alone, to be honest. I'm afraid I will struggle financially as well as emotionally. I feel like a fucking crap mum most of the time. I must scream in my head ten times a day that this fucking sucks and I hate being a mum and I can't believe anyone does this. The kids are still young and I am at home with them every. single. day. I'm "not allowed" to put them in any kind of childcare. The only break I have is when they go to their grandmas and I go grocery shopping by myself. Or run some other errand.
I must say in my head ten times a day that I hate him. I resent him. But in my haste to hate him and blame him for everything I myself have become a shit partner. I just have nothing left to give.
We have been wanting to do therapy together for about a year now but have been unable to afford it. Do you think we can salvage our relationship at this point? We are both willing to keep trying and I don't want to throw it away without giving it my all and neither does he.
I don't have family any where near me, I hate where we live, I don't even have any friends I can turn to really. If we break up I'm stuck here. The place I want to move to is 7 hours away in a different state and I doubt I'd be allowed to move the kids away, not that I want them to be that far from him anyway. But I feel like I'll go mental staying here.
I don't live in Australia so there is no government assistance for single parents.
Maybe I'm better leaving him with the kids and paying him child support? I can't bear to leave them though, as much as I find parenting difficult. I'm so fucking lost. And stuck. Trapped. Man I hate that feeling. I must scream in my head ten times a day begging for something to just kill me. Put me out of my misery.
Before I met him and had kids I was independent. I made my own decisions and didn't fuck around waiting for shit to happen, I made it happen. What happened to her?
Goddammit what the fuck do I do? What's wrong with me? Do I have a delayed case of PPD? Am I just mourning my old life? Do I need to just suck it up (again) - I've sucked it up for 5 years. Did anyone stay and had it work out?
And please, for the love of god, be nice with your comments. Scroll the fuck on if you want to be nasty.
4 Replies
I don't have any helpful advice but I couldn't read and scroll by.
It sounds incredibly hard to be in your shoes right now. You're feelings are all completely valid considering what you have been goin through.
I hope that somebody here has been through similar and can give you some advice but at the end of the day, you have to take some action about your life, you need to step up and makes some decisions and changes, other wise things will never change. Take small steps, no need to take leaps and bounds. But it's important to "start moving".
You're partner does sound great. You have to give him credit for staying around and willing to give therapy a shot (not a lot of people are).
I hope you find some light soon ❤️
I was half way through reading an wondered myself if you had pnd/depression. I found i took my frustrations out on people i love the most and lost my best friwnd because of it. All i wanted to do was run away. I even did a few times ( i would jump in my car and just drive to a park for a few hrs.) Leaving hubby with the kids including a newborn. I would dream of the single life no kids no hubby no bullshit. I think I even told my husband i hated him. Fortunetly for me he just knew i didnt mean it and knew something else was majorly wrong. Please please go and speak to your gp and be honest on how you are feeling and ask for a mental health plan. You should be entitled to 6 free councilling sessions for yourself. Trust me i know hownoverwhelming and embarressing it is but if you have a good gp they will be very understanding.
I would be leaning towards PND and before giving up hope, go and speak to a doctor. Depending on where you live, you may be eligible for free counselling (unsure, I know in Australia we get it) and have a chat to someone. It's great that you are acknowledging your feelings and that is the first step!
I can imagine you would be feeling trapped and resentful. Have you had a look at MLM work? There's a lot of different ones out there to choose from such as Younique, Jamberry, Nutrimetics etc. or even look at your own candle making business? Just something to have an interest in and start feeling like there is a worth. You can also get some $$ from that and eventually put it towards therapy if that is the path you and your husband want to take. Or you could have a babysitter here and there to have that time to yourself :) You could host parties and socialise and build up a team of friends/colleagues. A majority is online too and you work as little or as much as you like.
It is a similar situation to my family, met and 5 months later was pregnant (very very young though) and 27 years later still going strong - but believe me there were some VERY big downs and I doubted everything very much. It's difficult because you are discovering this new person and then all of a sudden a baby comes along and gets in the way and you somewhat get "lost" in the relationship and never finish the consolidating phase.
Things will be okay, try and turn all that negativity around and make something positive come out of it.
Honestly I'd resent a man who said I wasn't allowed to use childcare.
Every mum needs a break and he sounds like he is stuck in the 1950s, except in the 1950s you were allowed to lock your kids out of the house all day so you could have a break.
I think it's time to take a stand either way. A return to work part time would do you the world of good, even full time. If he doesn't want them in childcare then he can stay home and look after them. Also that means if you do decide to leave you are in a financial position to make it easier and you will feel like you have some choices.