Ive sat here and typed then deleted, re-typed and deleted my question so many times Ive lost count.... how do I make the pain of multiple miscarriages go away? such little angels who were so desperately wanted and loved and my arms will be forever empty. Is this punishment for my past misdeeds? for not being good enough of a mother to my eldest? is this proof that Im not even a good enough to carry my partners first bio child? do they deserve more? am I worthless? how do I make the pain stop???? I try to be the best mother I can be but its never enough. I spend my lunchbreak in the toilets at work crying because Im so lost in this dark emptiness, I cry myself to sleep silently at night, not wanting to burden anyone with my pain.... I just want the pain to go away. I just want someone to hold me and tell me its ok
5 Replies
I'm sorry for your losses.
This is not in any way your fault. You are not being punished. This is one of life's random things and very very many people have experienced miscarriages, more women than you could possibly know.
It's as random as my one and only child having multiple medical conditions. I didn't do that to him, it's not a punishment. It's random. Being a good or bad anything doesn't make something random happen to you.
Grieving is good, healthy and normal. It's normal to think what if? But you need to be honest and answer those what ifs with facts. Facts are that miscarriage is a medical issue. It's not a punishment they happen to fantastic people they happen to bad people, but nothing you did or didn't do, made it happen and has nothing to do with what you think you deserve or don't deserve.
I think you'd find it helpful to speak to a counsellor
I'm extremely sorry for your losses.
Miscarriages are not your fault! It most likely means that along the way there was something that just didn't match up and it was never going to work.
It won't get easier, it's a pain that you have to accept and now look at ways to go forward. If you have suffered multiple, I would be contacting your doctor and getting your partner's sperm checked out. You know everything is working for you because you have conceived successfully, so along the way something is not working. Another step could be to look at IUI (it isn't too expensive here in Aus, go via a fertility clinic) where they wash the sperm and select the healthiest ones and inject it directly into your uterus during ovulation. It's quite a pain free choice, it tends to fail the first time around but is very successful after the 2nd or 3rd round (it is emotionally draining though).
This is not because of your past and it does not make you a bad mother at all! TTC is a long journey and a hard one at that, I myself struggled majorly and currently were are at the 10 week mark in our first pregnancy and I haven't been able to stop stressing about the what ifs. I think it tends to be quite taboo and people don't openly discuss their struggles out of fear of judgement. It is completely normal and okay to struggle, so many people do.
I feel your pain. I've had 9 miscarriages. It's very difficult not to blame yourself and your body but nature doesn't always work and science can't always explain why not. It is a dark place to be but it is not your fault. If you haven't already get a referral to a fertilitt specialist or at the very least a good obstetrician and get all of the testing done. My best wishes for you and your partner.
I understand where you are. I have had 5 at various stages of pregnancy. There is a group on Facebook ran for mummas like us that have lost bubbas it's called bears of hope Parent support group. Please look it up and join. Bears of hope also have a lovely councillor she has lost bubs her self so really does understand. She is available by email or phone. If you search for their page online you will be able to to find her details. Please reach out to either the group or the councillor or both. It really helps to talk to people who understand. It takes time but it does get better. Please don't blame your self (I know it's easier said then done) you didnt do anything to cause what you are going through.
Please see a counsellor for your grief and if you have not found anything in your blood work and scans please consider natural therapies. If you are open minded about God and the Archangels please call on them for help. Please lord and Archangel Michael I ask you to help me heal from losing my angel babies and guide me to find the answers to heal my body Amen ? Or Archangel Michael please help me heal my body so I can become a mother to a healthy child. Say a prayer every night and look into all avenues to find out why your body is rejecting. Archangel Michael is a powerful angel ? and always shows up when I pray for him, listen to your intuition and mediate daily to hear the messages more clearly. Look for the signs and have faith. I will say a prayer now for you ?