Hi
Im feeling pretty upset right now. So my partner and I already have a 2yo and I struggled really bad that first 12months to adjust to mum life. It really hit me hard with how unfair it is that when a couple decide to have a baby 'together' that its actually the female that does the most work and the male thinks the be all and end all of contribution is to go to work. They went to work everyday before the baby and helped out with dishes/ housework and now that theres a baby and the females life is completely different and she's got more responsibility that ever before the male decides oh well you've got a baby now all the housework is your 'job' I already go to work so i'm not going to contribute to home duties anymore. So this amongst relationship issues (I felt ALOT of bitterness and resentment and a lack of appreciation for my partner) spun me into PND. Sever PND- I was hospitalised. Anyway fast forward to now and after counselling and working things out and getting on top of my role of mum and house maid we are in a really good place. The best its ever been- we're like best friends. If im down he'll do dishes and help without being asked. He does his fair share of getting our son showered and to bed etc. He's an amazing dad and the best partner. So we've decided to try for number 2 (I take a test on Monday, we've been trying since November) and last night we were out and the topic came up with the person we were having dinner with. I said "im worried about our 2yo and how he's going to feel because most of my attention will be on the new born with breastfeeding and how dependent newborns are and I don't want him to feel like I don't love him or that he's been replaced" and he says "do you understand the responsibility of having a toddler and a new born? Our 2yo needs stimulation everyday you cant just sit and breastfeed all day, you're going to be at the park with our 2 yo with the new born on your boob. You're going to be doing dishes while the newborn is on your boob and the 2yo is crawling up your leg and cooking" and I said "yeah it's going to be rough while youre at work and night times but when you come home it'll be a bit easier with you helping" and said "Babe, im going to be tired from work." and he laughed and said "youre like that person that leaves their car unlocked in the drive way and when the cops ask why you did that after its stolen you say i should be able to, I shouldn't have to worry about someone stealing my car. Babe that's not how life goes" so I said "It should be 50/50 you cant expect me to not sleep all night and be up with a new born and be chasing after a toddler all day and do all the housework and then have dinner on the table when you get home. Its unfair" and he said well lifes not fair. Im so upset that hes acting this way AGAIN after everything I went through before and knowing how hard I found it. He REALLY wants another baby. I got pretty emotionl last night and shut down so I haven't told him my feelings about it-I came home and went straight to bed while he got our 2yo to bed. He should expect to help right? How can anyone say oh man I want another baby so bad- but I don't plan on actually helping. I don't want another kid if I have to do it all by myself and I know hes going to say "well time I find another girlfriend then coz I want more than 1 kid". Am I being hormonal or am I right in being upset? or is this just actual reality and I have too high expectations? He works 8-10 hr days. Some days in an office other days in a 50 degree roof installing materials and other days on construction sites walking around inspecting things.
13 Replies
Oh Hun. I'm pregnant with number two and I feel very similar to you. My hubby didn't adjust well to baby 1 at first with me and my mum doing everything until the bubs grew up. It seemed like he felt that was my role and pretty much thought he was better than me because he was working. I unfortunately don't have any advice as I feel the same way.
I just want you to know that I don't think you are being hormonal or silly. Nor do I think your expectations are set too high....but mind you this is coming from a pregnant lady about to pop so perhaps I'm hormonal too! I think how you are feeling is completely justified and he is just being selfish again!
It sounds like he is a tad control freak and thinks it's his obligation to choose when he feels like parenting and when he just can't be fucked.
My two kids are 23 months apart and it's very hard. But we all know it's not going to be a walk in the park when we decide to have (more) children. A lot of the time I do feel out numbered against the kids and I do majority of everything because of time. I know if my partner spent more time home, he'd pick up more of the slack but the fact is, he just doesn't have time. When he is home, he tries to spend a lot of that time playing with our oldest so the bins get left and I have to put dishes away despite having to everything else you can think of.
It is a little bit like he said and you do have to breastfeed on the go, but it's doable. It really is. My youngest being 10 months now and I'm still breastfeeding so it can't be that hard.
It's a personal choice. If you don't think he is supportive enough now, I wouldn't count on him to be anymore supportive once a second one comes along.
I'm very on the fence. While I do believe men needn't be such lazy arses, I also do believe woman are super and just get it all done because we are tough and strong and don't need no man because multitasking is life and we can get through anything.
Hope that helps ??????
Hmm, I am a firm believer that if my husband goes to work and I am staying home (I am assuming you do not work at all) then it is my responsibility to do all the above. If he wants to help out here and there, then that's great. You make it sound like raising a kid is a bit of a chore and that concerns me especially with PND, I'd be checking with your doctor about anti-depressants before falling pregnant and continuing them throughout.
Yes kids can be hard at times, but my personal beliefs are that your husband is doing something much harder by keeping the family on the feet financially.
Having two that young is going to be a struggle, it won't be pleasant at times and there will be screaming, tantrums, lots of tears. I disagree about the baby on the boob comment that was made from him, you can express and put away milk or feed formula. It makes a world of difference at times! And then if the going gets tough and you have someone there that can help, your baby happily accepts the bottle.
Im a firm believer that 8 hrs at work doesn't exempt you from cleaning up after yourself or cooking a meal here and there for your family.
Yes!!! How on earth you can allocate jobs each and have one watch the other suffocate and struggle to the point of depression. While the other works a job and then turns off?! No way. If you both support each other and both do what needs to be done, its not hard. Her saying its hard does not at all reflect her ability toparent or attitude towards her kids, itreflects the fact that he doesnt support her and she gets no compassion or support just pushed down more when she finds it hard.
I'd be hoping I wasn't pregnant and then sending him on his way. It sounds like an immature attitude that he has.
If you feel he is the type of guy to leave you because you wanted to stop at one, then that says a lot about the quality of him.
I think you can do better.
He has been working all day but you have also been working all day (and prob up all night) so he needs to learn that when he comes home you both need to do what is needed equally until it is done (eg bathing kids, dishes etc). I would really struggle if my husband was like this
Well hes a dick.sounds like he has an expectation on mums with newborns and thats why you suffered the first time and this should let you know loud and clear youll suffer the second time if its with him. Youll be breastfeeding and running around a park with a toddler and cooking dinner and he'll be tired from work.. pffft....
If you honestly believe he would leave you if you didn't have another, then why be with him? Us women carry the baby in our tummies, I believe in normal circumstances when we are the primary caregiver from birth (and this applies to all primary caregivers, men and women), especially when breastfeeding, it is kind of on us and you have to accept it. Let's face it, we are the food source, the clock watchers, we know the cries, we know how long to let them go, they are literally our third arm lol Not saying it is right, but many men step up as they get older, because as babies, we are with them 24/7, we are their life. They have done studies showing the consequences when babies don't bond with that primary caregiver, it is innate, it's nature, it's the way it has been for centuries. I am not saying he shouldn't help out, because he absolutely should, but I think acceptance of the mother role is paramount to being at peace with it all. Having a newborn is the hardest, shittest, terrible, amazing, wonderful, beautiful, life changing experience all at once ?
He sounds as much of a dick and selfish arsehole as my husband, who I wish I'd never married 25yrs ago & not had kids with!! The true colours really show once you've had children together :-/. As sad as it is to say, you'll actually save yourself YEEARS of heartache & suffering and anxiety-depression which is actually caused by this guy, if you leave him now!
Your partner sounds like a dick!
You are right to be cautious about adding to your workload, that'll make it three kids to look after, on top of PND!
When my kids were little, husband took over as soon as he walked in the door (due to having a baby thrust at him?) And don't even get me started on him being 'tired'! We win that one ever single time!
More more more counselling needed!!
I dont think your in an emotionally stable position to have another child. Your bickering over petty things that should be managed like adults. By sulking and leaving him to put your 2 year to bed, is not fair on your child. Yes your 2 year old would know your upset. Every single time. You need to compromise.
Spend time as a family getting dinner ready, hanging out the clothes, vacuuming out. Include your 2 year old in chores. I cant stand a messy house and yes its tidy allways.
In our home, my hubby works and I stay home and look after the family. I make his lunches and enjoy looking after my family with healthy food were we all come together for meals and share our day. It works for us. I ask if i need help and he helps with what ever is happening at the time. Mostly I just want him to spend time with our bubs everyday as he has been away at work. Weather you like it or not, we live in a male dominated society and if your home, its your responsibility to maintain the home. Maybe you should go to work and hubby stay home??? Also I can see the point that your friend has made. If you can't handle one child do you really think its wise to go through it with 2. Harsh but true. If your allowing silly little things to get you down are you emotionally strong enough to handle 2.
The 2 things that concern me the most is 1 you think he'd leave if you said u are not ready for another baby - given your pnd history you need to feel 100% ready to add another bub! Make sure you've spoken to your dr and get supports in place !! And DONT have another baby with this man until he understands That HE is your number 1 support and has to be prepared if you fall down that path again .... go get some family planning counseling together to talk it out properly sometimes having a mediator present allows you to talk honestly about how you feel and your fears etc .
2. The expectation that your going to be able to keep a clean house with 2 little ones on your own is too high. Yes some people are able to do it and do it well BUT most of us struggle - just saying . There will be chaos for a while while you all adjust . Your 2 yo will probably struggle a bit but you can set things up for them such as a special toy box for when you are feeding , grandparents special time to give you some rest ? Or aunts and uncles? Play in your back yard if you have one ? Sand box or cubby or water tables are all
Great!! Play dough box , coloring table , duplo are all great activities to do while your feeding!!! Yes you will learn to feed on the go more ! And bub is more likely to just nap on the go too but you really don't have to over
Book yourself and you don't have to do something every day ! Kids are adaptable AND when your super tired it REALLY is not going to hurt them to have a tv day ! I promise !! AND it REALLY IS OK for your house to be a bit messy sometimes ! I'll give you permission. ;)
But again hubby isn't the only one that can help ! Seek help from family and friends! Allow them to support you!! It really does take a village to raise children ! As mums yes we can try To do it all and we usually
Adapt to be able to
Mostly manage but accept help and ask
For help from others ! Parents , sisters , friends who ever is around ! Create your village and lean on them !!!
I don't have family around and a husband that works
2 jobs so rarely able to help and 3 kids under 5! It's been crazy but we are finally
Getting there ! I've created a community around usnof friends (just a few ) and we help each other out! It takes the load off !! Even if it's just an afternoon of kids hanging out and mums having a cuppa !!
Try to focus on the things you can do instead dad of allowing the fear of what might be rule you xox good luck