I'm not sure what to do..
I want to make the best decision for my child and my childs not old enough to decide for my child's self...
Sorry about the long story..
I'm all for dad's rights and child's rights but I'm stuck on if I should continue to try get my child's dad to see our child.
He didn't have anything to do with my child till last year 2yo (never met), the dad never bothered till I contacted him and I had to push for the dad to spend more time with our child when I did bring him into my child's life. His life and family was more important and still is apparently. Anyway there was boundaries crossed, health issues ignored, our child was regressing, behaviour issues and hating going so I stopped visits in waiting for mediation so we could nicely re negotiate and move past these issues nicely which wasn't supposed to take long and there was a holiday period where they were going away anyway and wouldn't see my child so wasn't much of a big deal but did allow a visit for a special event before that. Mentally our child was struggling tho and things needed a break to which the mediator told me was a good decision and glad I spotted the signs of my child not coping.
Anyway when I realised things were taking their time I offered visits to which always was a no as he's to busy.. Hardly ever asked how our child is and now actually doesn't at all. It's always me putting in the effort and asking if he wants to see our child. But I have stopped asking that after Missed special occasions to which if our child was older would have devistated our child (it devistated me and made me totally upset for my child) and he put mediation off and never bothered to try re organise till suddenly iv been contacted today (5-6 months since not seeing our child and 2 months of not re organising it). I gave mediator time and days that suited me ect which I'm totally flexible most the time, it was just waiting on him to arrange a day and time that suited him.. I'm not sure if it's cause the mediator contacted him or he contacted the mediator but I feel now that if he doesn't have time for our child and shows no interested and even misses important occasions that he's not going to be a consistant person in our childs life and obviously with him having no contact for so long last time and never putting in an effort (never actually meeting him) it seems typical and obvious to me that he doesn't want our child in his life cause it's to much effort or something and like he's going to constantly let our child down which will mentally damage our child and our child will see it when old enough (3yo now). I dealt with the same from my own father and still do and it sucks having a lousy father! So I don't want that for my own child. But same time my child might hate me if I don't try and end up just as damaged.. But I'm mostly worried about my child going through the trauma my child went through last time of seeing the dad. It was my fault as things moved to quick and I thought I was doing the right thing of shared care (equal rights ect) as that's what everyone preaches is right and I pushed for the dad to even want that as his life and family was to busy..
Anyway My child's finally back to happy self and getting back to where my child was prior to it all in the way of learning, sleep, behaviour, eating, speech ect. And my child's finally not as clingy and anxious.
I also have asked my child nicely and happily if he misses him and wants to see him and the answer is always no and he gets anxious again. But being 3 I'm not sure he actually understands so I can't go by what he says...
I'm really unsure of what to do!?
Obviously it would be nice for our child to have a relationship with him (he also has a half sibling) but there is so many negatives to it and I worry! Obviously I am also wanting to start out slowly if our child does have him in thier life which means no sleep overs ect to start till our child's comfortable and go from there. But also what will happen if I tell mediation I don't want to participate anymore if that's the road we go down?
I don't think he will take me to court as that will just be to much effort with his already lack of time he clearly has for our child.. But what if he does? The court won't consider my child much will they and my child might then be forced into a arrangement he's not comfortable with?
On the other hand I have a partner my childs known longer and adores, calls dad and I have a child to him. My child is totally comfortable with him. So my child's not missing out on having a father figure.. And I would never stop my child seeing their real dad if they asked ect so long as the dad actually wanted to see our child, if we also go down the road of my child right now not seeing his dad.. After all my child actually barely knows their real dad only knew him for a few months really..
I guess id love some opinions on what you would do..?
I just want to make the right decision for my child.. No one else.. As a mum it's my job to protect my child but am I being unfair in doing that and not participating in mediation now? Or does it seem like I should set the dad free as it's clear he doesn't want to parent our child?
The whole thing just makes me sad and confused.. Help this is sooo hard to decide on my own. I have asked family and they all are very dissapointed in the dad and think I should give up trying.
*please note.. I have no bad feelings towards his father despite our past ect but I do clearly have trust issues with the dad not coming through for his child and putting him first in this situation... He has continuously shown our child doesn't come even close to first. Which totally sucks and is heart breaking. :(
5 Replies
Definitely stop working so hard. Don't stop the mediation, definitely comply with participating in that, BUT don't go to any effort to organise it or make it happen. So you have given your available times, if you don't hear back from them let it go. If they get back to you and say it's going ahead then comply. It's quite possible dad won't show but then that's on him, you've done everything you needed to do. If he doesn't show then stop contacting him, chasing him, texting him about your child.
If mediation goes ahead you can ask for a long term schedule that increases or stays the same as dad and your child bond (or don't). So it could be two hours on a Sunday with you present, in a set location for 12 weeks. Then move to three hours on a Sunday with you present. Then move to 4 hours etc until you don't need to be there etc. It can be a long and gradual a process as your son gets comfortable. It doesn't have to be overnights.
Stop flogging a dead horse, honestly, I don't think you should have contacted him in the first place, its only brought a world of pain to you and your child. People who want to be parents be parents, it's that simple. You have an obligation now to go to the mediation, so go, see what he says and hopefully he will fade out over time. Fathers don't need DNA, your partner sounds amazing.
You've done more than enough! The bio dad knows of his son and your openness for contact. It's up to him now. Don't make this about you. You may have had an absent father, but was your mother all that you are? See? It's already different. As you said, he has a great father figure in his life who he knows as 'dad'.
Do the mediation thing if required, but stop initiating any thing else
Please also note the bio dad is not on birth cert or anything so legally has no rights. (There are a few reasons why he's not on it despite me trying legally ect). So I'm not actually sure he can even take me to court.
Anyway I have briefly spoken to the mediator and plan on chatting to them properly tomorrow in regaurds to not continuing with the mediation and seeing what he says about it. He has made no effort at all and apparently never available for mediation so I heard today which means clearly will never be done with it and will never have time for our child. So thanks for everyone's replies here and on Facebook. I think I have made the decision to just move on with our lives and leave it for when/if our child wants to contact him when our child's older. But I'll always keep things open with my child and let my child make his own mind up about the bio dad.
I'm so sad it didn't work out but I'm glad it was only a tiny portion of our child's life while our child's young and hopefully will not have damaged my child to much.
Thanks again mums.
He has told you time and time again. He is not interested. He has shown this to you multiple times. His behaviour says he is not interested. Your being pushy and trying for something he does not want. Seems like you might need to look into some emotional healing from your experience and work on you and your child. You can not control his behaviours, stop trying to interfear with his choices. Move on and control what you can, your future. Don't waste time on people who cant be bothered to be involved in your childs life. Same goes for Aunts, Uncles ect. Not your journey. He has made his choices pretty clear. Move on