I have been writing a book & I am interested in honest criticism and if people like it or not. If they feel they would read it so here is a tiny snippet of the start
"I need to write this , for my own release" I think as I let out a sigh of procrastination & nervousness. In the background I hear my children trying to delay going to bed. I put them out of my mind for now, I need to focus as I realise suddenly, I'm losing my train of thought.
My mind wanders to 3 year old me sitting in a dark corner with my 2 year old brother Curtis & 5 year old sister Steph, I can feel the fear building up in my chest and throat. My heart is hurting from panic as I try to shut out the noise of my parents fighting again. Mums had too much to drink. She's screaming at my dad & his friends again. As She stands on the dinner table I see my 15 year old brother, Samuel, He silently picks up the phone and I see him crying down the receiver. As I fall into a deep sleep I am unaware my entire life was about to change.
I awake to a policeman trying to walk me outside. Suddenly I feel myself begin to kick & scream. I break free & run to Samuel. He hands me my panda trying to soothing my panic, he knows I can't sleep without it, The panda is his way of saying everything was going to be alright. He straps me into the police car with Curtis & Steph closing the door behind him trying to hide his tears.
I watch out the window in horror, the blue & red lights flashing in the darkness as everything I know is ripped away from me.
I apologise for the grammar being so terrible.
20 Replies
Personally no - it seems too jumbled from the get go for me to be interested. I also think you need to turn on spell check as your grammar isn't there but that may also be why I am not interested - the minute I pick up mistakes I lose interest.
E.g. Mum's had TOO much of her coffee. Overtired (one word). Begin not began. Panda should be capital as it's a name of the toy. There's a few more too :)
Good luck though!
I know the grammar isn't great. The name of the toy wasn't panda. It's was an actually panda teddy
As mentioned above, the horrible grammar stops me from getting too in to it.
It needs more substance.
The first sentence makes no sense to me?
How does one let out a "sign of procrastination and nervousness "?
And how can "3 year old me" see her brother run across the room whilst her eyes are shut?
The falling asleep from over tiredness isn't realistic. Especially when her mother is going crazy in the same room. (I'd assume "dad and friends " would be yelling too). And a 2 year old would be hysterical if his mum and dad were yelling/fighting.
It's just not quite at a "publish my book", standard.
Keep writing if you're truly passionate about it. Then get someone to proof read and edit errors. They will give you constructive criticism.
It's supposed to say sigh. I know my grammar isn't great. Some of us aren't that smart. I should change that but about my eyes being closed. It's actually based on something that's really happened. It's only my first drapht and it's really hard trying to put my thoughts into words.
I still don't understand the sigh. Do you sigh when nervous? I know I don't.
"I need to write this", I say to myself. "I need to get this off of my chest".
Just as I put pen to paper, I can hear my children starting to yell and carry on in their rooms. They should be in bed, asleep. I start losing my train of thought.
I get up from my chair, settle them down for the night, and return to where I desperately needed to be.
Pen in hand once again, nervousness floods through my body. I begin to write.
It happened when I was three......
I'd also not mention brothers and sisters ages/names when you're talking about being in the corner.
"My brother and sister" would be enough info to begin with. Bring up ages later when you're getting to know them.
Well its a draft and shes specifically asked for interest not editing.
I think it sounds interesting although could be sharpened up, like what does she need to do at the start? she says that then doesnt come back to it and that being the very first line needs to be a cracker.
My advice is to keep on writing, get your ideas down and also do some writing courses, I have done some for different kinds of media writing, learning the tricks of the trade is really interesting and there is so much to learn, many are simple techniques and decisions that make big differences, if youre passionate about writing youll get a lot out of it.
I like the idea of the story but it is a little confusing going from the first paragraph to the second so maybe working on transitioning those two more smoothly?
Thank you. I agree the first part needs a bit more work on transition.
I feel like there's too many characters involved already. Brothers, sisters, kids, mum, dad, dad's friends. Too many people. Try and stick to just one or two to begin with. It's too mumbo-jumbo and I would immediately put it down for this reason.
Not all these characters stay.
Fair enough. I would suggest even attending some short-courses in story writing just to give you a push along. Another thing would be are you going to keep changing from the past and present? If not, I don't think it's necessary to bring up the present until the end :)
It sounds like it has great potential but yes the grammar and too many characters already has put me off. I had to scroll back up because I had forgotten who Curtis was. Just stick with one or two characters for the beginning and gradually add characters. You don't want to confuse your readers.
No need to name them until later if you introduce them with more detail.
I agree with the characters but it's really hard to diminish that when it's based off a true event
I think, considering its a true story, get it down and dont fuss too much about how this stage. As someone who aspires to write stories and books to leave for my children, having something is much better than nothing, even if it is a very rough first draft.
As your writing skills grow you will be able to go back and edit and edit but it will always be easier when you have notes and material to work with, it will just get better and better.
I do think the story so far is interesting though and would be very interested in reading more after practice :)
It peeked my interest, well done, I'm dying to know what happened next! I started writing a novel a few years ago, got to 40,000 words and stopped, you have inspired me to get it out ?. I write a lot in my profession and the thesaurus is my best friend, that's my only tip. Good luck, it will be a journey xxxx.
I'd take out the now stuff, The sigh, the kids not going to bed etc. Tell it as a story from the start.
"It started at 3, well probably before because you know the fighting was always there, but things really got hectic when I was 3. I remember cowering in a dark corner with..."
The story itself seems to be a purging for you so get it all out, then work on fixing it up.
It peaked my interest. I looked past the grammar.
I wouldn't start with the 'now'
Get straight into the 3 year old stuff.
Get it out. Re read it later.
Good luck xx
It certainly caught my attention. Obviously you know the spelling and grammar isn't all there but that's ok. It's something to work on.
I'd recommend using more detailed and descriptive language to really draw people in. I'd love to see some more character development too, I really like having a little insight to what makes the who they are.
Also keep in mind that this won't be everyone's thing, some people probably won't like it but don't be discouraged. It is so imperative that we follow our dreams. I mean look how many publishers told J.K Rowling that her story was rubbish but she kept on persevering and is know one of the most successful authors of our time. Good luck Xx