I have a 11 month old little boy and I've always said I only want one child after having him. Everyone keeps saying the usual - you have to have another , have them close together it's easier, he will be lonely if you only have one , it's not fair on him and so on.
I struggled so much to be emotionally attach to my son , I've just started to live my life again. My family made me feel ridiculous about the possibility I had postnatal depression , so I never went and found help. I cant even remember the amount of times I cried at home in the shower while he had his lunch time nap. And when people bring up even my partner about having another I fight to hold back tears , I wish I could say yes but I just can't bear the thought of doing it again.
Should I feel guilty about not wanting to give my partner a second child? And how do you brush the guilt off
I know I might have more but it's just all to fresh in my mind right now and I don't need constant reminders.
12 Replies
No you shouldn't feel guilty. You do what you need for you to be happy. It's not unfair to your child to be an only child and your partner will understand if he truly wants whats best for you
It's time to tell everyone to shut up! Unless they are having the baby, feeding the baby, looking after the baby they do NOT get a vote. Unless your 1st child is going to be doing those things, his imagined needs don't come into it.
The only reason you have a baby is because you and your partner both want another child and you are ready emotionally, psychologically, financially to do that.
Having a sibling is no guarantee of not being lonely or having a friend for life. My mum is one of 6 and she'd be lucky to speak to them once a year. There are plenty of social options for children that don't involve a sibling, daycare, playgroups, play dates. There are plenty of siblings who can't play together without it being a fist fight.
I'm one of three girls and we are not close. We are not alike. We get together every few months. We all very very different lives. All our social and emotional support comes from friends, not because my siblings are bad people we are just widely different. Most people, even in school didn't realise we were related.
I know some siblings are close and that's awesome but there are no guarantees and to have a child so your current child won't be lonely is ludicrous. To have children close together when the people who need to look after that baby are still scarred and most likely still recovering is ludicrous.
Do what is right for YOU as you are the one that needs to be ready and want this nobody else. So wether you have a baby in 9 months or 5 years, or never, the only person who should decide is you.
It's a completely personal thing.
Start chewing people's head off when they ask you those RUDE questions, frankly it's none of their business anyway.
Have a discussion with your partner after it. Tell him you're not completely opposed to a second but that right now, you can't even really think about it.
You deserve to be at peace with exactly what you've got now. Not worrying about what everyone else thinks you need.
You do you!
I felt exactly like you, had a traumatic birth (third degree tear), my baby was born with some medical problems and I honestly never thought I could handle having another one. When he was about three, I felt like I emotionally could, but I was divorced by them, so too late ? My point is, there is a possibility you could change your mind, in 2 years, 5 years, whatever, it is still so fresh, spend this time healing. Don't hurry it, wait and see when you are ready. I am now past baby years age wise and couldn't imagine going through babyhood again lol Honestly, your thoughts on the subject may change over time, be kind to yourself and don't let other's expectations put pressure on you, just "be" for a while and enjoy your beautiful bundle.
My come back to the when are you having more question was "I don't need to, I got it right the first time". Rude I know, and not technically correct but fuck it, they started it lol.
Maybe after the PND is sorted you'll be in a better place to even consider it. Until, then anyone that doesn't get the big fuck off hints to back off, just distance yourself from them.
Love this!
Dont let the family decide if u have another baby or not
That is your partners & your decision
I suggest talking to your partner about your feelings of sadness
Or if u cant do that plz talk to your doctor
Being down isnt a sin
Its just life
The more you hide it the harder it gets
Ive been down this road
But finally got the right help
We r now 5 mths pregnant a little ivf baby
I think with a baby only 11 months you should stop overthinking, youre still coping with the first one. Dont overthink if its right, wrong if you should feel guilty, or if youre normal, abnormal. Its how you feel, its how the situation worked out, its how your first labour turned out, its how your family support is, it just is. No guilt necessary. No worry over any feelings you have is necessary, just feel the feelings you have. Its ok, youre entitled to them.
And youre still in very early days with #1 you have years yet to have another, it doenst need to be addressed right now. Its pretty clear right now is a no and with everything youve mentioned, fair enough its a sensible choice.
if youre getting yourself back already youre doing better than I did with my first, so give yourself a break!
I couldn't even contemplate the thought of another until my first was 2. Absolutely no way. So don't feel guilty, your feelings are not unusual. I do think it would help to let your family know your feelings - and that you're struggling. And that their comments have been part of the struggle. Close together doesn't mean it's easier - I have no idea what your family are on about with that one. All the people I know who have had them close together have not had an easier time than the ones who have had them a few years apart. It's very individual - no guarantees either way. Talk to your partner about your feelings - ask him to give it time. At 11 months your first child is still very much a baby. All the best xo
Hun your bub is only 11 months old! Tell anyone that comments that you are not really thinking about another just yet and if they go on just say "I
Think that's really up to us isn't it?" Or
Better yet stop hiding your tears. Allow yourself to cry
In front of them and maybe they'll
Finally hear you and what you've been trying to tell them all
Along!
Please hear that it's NOT too late to seek help about pnd!! Go and speak to
Your Gp! There is help available and you do not have to be doing this alone!! Go get some
Counseling and treatment and when you are feeling more positive see if you want to visit the idea of another then. If you still don't wan t to there is nothing wrong with that. But do not feel pressured into having another !
As for your husband have a really open and honest discussion with him
About how you are feeling. Of all people he needs to understand ! If he doesn't then maybe take him to your Gp with you to see if they can help explain pnd!?
You both need to be on the same page re children and where you both stand or you will end up resenting each other or your kid/s.....
sorry your In this situation xox
Time to tell so called friends and family to put up or shut up. It's your choice and your life and you have to be able to live it and cope. All this 'it's not fair on him, he'll be lonely' is just bullshit. Chuck it straight in the bullshit pile. I have a sibling who to this day I do not get along with. I was lonely with two. It made no difference. Please do not feel that you have to conform with other peoples ideas for what works when it comes to having a family. If you haven't already, it could be something that you could talk about with a professional because even just putting it out there to someone with the experience can help xx
Your choice nobody else's.
I have one child I did want 2 but it was not to be.
She's my life, I couldnt image having a 2nd one now. Very happy with one.