I don't know why I'm writing this. I just need someone to vent too I guess. I feel like I am truly failing at this parenting thing! I really feel like I am screwing my kids up! Especially my oldest. He is almost 16, has high functioning ASD, Co-Morbid ADHD & ODD. I just don't feel like I can parent him, I feel like I'm constantly yelling at him. He lies, he's lazy, he's disrespectful and oh my god the attitude!
I get so upset about constantly being on his case, that I start to fear he will try and take his own life or something! He does such stupid things sometimes, like tonight, sucked on his littlest siblings face, near his eye which resulted in a bruise. And also, while vacuuming the car, put the vacuum on his own face/chin area, leaving a bruise. He can hurt or torment his other siblings also. I have taken all wifi off him because of his lack of listening and following rules or requests, but nothing seems to be working. I feel so lost, I honestly feel like he should be given to someone else to try and get through to him. I feel like I have failed him. Why can I not parent my own child? Why is it such a struggle?
Failing as a parent
Failing as a parent
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt
4 Replies
Honestly my son, now 22. It's been a struggle but having on going support from psychologists who specialised in my sons diagnosis made ALL the difference. I also found a neuropsychiatrist invaluable. I've never understood why people don't use these services more.
Yes it's hard work, but the regular support from professionals made a HUGE difference.
Accessing services like in home respite care to supervise all the kids for a few hours etc so you can get some shit done will make a big difference too.
But if he hurts himself (not dangerously) who cares, that's just frickin kids, teenagers etc. yes it's a concern he can hurt his siblings.
Can I send you mine, you seem to be failing less than I am? Pretty sure a large percentage of us think we're fucking up in a big way.
I would be lying if I said parenthood was easy. It never is, and it's often laced with loads of guilt.
You mentioned that he was sucking siblings face and attacking himself with a vacuum cleaner. Has he been diagnosed with sensory processing disorder (SPD) as a part of his other diagnosis? SPD often - but not always - accompanies an asd diagnosis, and seeing an ot may help him find ways to seek out his sensory needs in an appropriate manner.
Keep his support/care team in the loop and ask for their help. Extra psychology or therapy visits for him may be the key to helping the whole family.
You are not failing him as a parent, you are providing boundaries, consequences, and seeking support. At his age, he is possibly going through some brain changes related to puberty. It's going to be tough at times but I'm sure you'll make it through.
You're a great parent. But sometimes we don't realise how great a job we have done until a couple of decades down the track when they come back to us letting us know that they are sorry for being toads and you were right when they were kids. I've just recently had this conversation with my mum now that my crazy kids are turning my life upside down.
Theres lots of supports you can access. Are you in an NDIS roll out area? It's coming this year for us, it all sounds good so far. I have a 17 yo with autism and severe dyslexia and a 13 yo with autism, ADHD, ODD, severe dyslexia and mild hearing loss. We have great support teachers at school and I have attended a shit load of parenting courses and workshops over the years. I have used CRCC for respite at one stage and I need a few weekends away on my own during the year.
If I get too overwhelmed and start yelling a lot, I know it's time for a readjustment. Never ever accept that this is just how things are, or that teenagers are just little shits. It doesn't have to be that way, there is help and support out there, you just have to fight for it sometimes, OK, most times ?
Also, get yourself a good therapist, having someone to talk to, and to help you deal with grief and loss is really important. I find I am regularly triggered by certain milestones, when you compare your child to other neurotypical kids. But then the sheer joy of seeing them succeed is such a gift.
You really get tested in the true meaning of unconditional love. My eldest boy was pretty violent/frustrated a lot when he was little. I used to go in and watch him sleep (the only time he was still/quiet and not hurting/breaking anything or anyone) and that's when I could love him. Fuck it's hard, and when you're in that moment, as you are now, you wonder how you'll get through, but you do, cos you have. You've done it before, you'll do it again. But you need help. Reach out, and don't take no for an answer xx