My husband left me and our 3 kids the end of last year without explanation and within 5 weeks walked into a new relationship. He has since admitted he was emotionally cheating on me via Facebook. Myself and our kids want our family back together and I have told him I will do whatever I need to in order to make us work. He however says he is happy where he is. My current problem is that from where I am sitting he has walked into a relationship that mirror images ours. We have 3 kids (2 with special needs that he couldn't handle and deal with the stresses of), she has 3 kids (2 of which he claims has special needs). She is a year older than me and has similar tastes in clothes, foods etc. He refuses to talk to me about how or why he ended our marriage so I can gain closure and move on. Whenever I ask a question about "us" he always replies with "I don't know". After a visit with him yesterday with myself and our kids (so our kids could meet her and hers) I am under the assumption that I am quite the conversation topic between the two of them. Our kids are not coping with the entire situation and have gone as far as regressing developmentally and behaviourally and he can not see the impact his decision has made on all involved. When he originally moved out I was trying to reconcile and he was being amicable and civil in return but since being in the new relationship he has at times turned nasty sending me verbally abusive messages and wanting to control everything. 2/3 of our kids do not want to get to know his new gf and it is feeling as though he is pushing them on to our kids (10 days after being together "officially" she moved her kids an hour to move in together and to put them into our kids school), and they moved into our street. He manages to include her/her name in every conversation he has with our kids and whenever I try to talk to him about our kids he turns the conversation to being about her. It is all becoming way too much for me and our kids to handle. I have people telling me she is just a rebound and that it won't last and I have him trying to convince me he is in love with her and that's where his future lies (really I think he's trying to convince himself). I have 1 child blaming themselves for daddy leaving and 1 child hating people because "they took daddy away and gave him to someone else". All this is very emotionally draining on all of us and I am at a loss as to what to do. I understand the whole "you shouldn't stay together just for the kids" and I completely agree with that and I admit we did have our problems but the kids and I were genuinely happy when we were a family and I have tried to explain to him that I can't fix what I don't know is broken. I feel he owed it to us to tell ME what was wrong and to talk to ME instead of seeking attention from and talking to Someone else. I guess I don't know what it is exactly that I'm asking I just needed to get it off my chest.
12 Replies
Wow this is messed up.
He cheated on you!! And left you for someone else!! And you still want him back?
To be honest you deserve SO much better.
Okay, so take some control over this situation. Stop letting him push you around. You need to set some rules and boundaries to shelter yourself and your kids from this shit storm.
Let him do whatever he wants, because he probably is going to anyway (after all he did what he wanted while still in a relationship with you)
Distance yourself and the kids if you have to because THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH ALL TOO FAST...
Fuck. So hes lving with them now ans youre already introducing kids and playing families? No wonder kids arent coping. And you.
The only advce i have to give is right at the start of what you say, you and your kids want your family back together.
Its not your choice. Two, i hope you tell your kids the adults can lige separately but their family isnt broken everyone still loves them and always will but they dont get a say in the adults relationship.
and finally, you cant do 'whatever it takes' for someone that just doesnt want it. Dont do that to yourself. And your kids. And hes a bloody idiot, but thats his choice and you need to really see this in him and move yourself forward. You wont understand and you cant go back once someone does this to you. Focus on yourself and your new household as a single parent. I know it doesnt feel like it now but one day youll be really glad this happened, as long as you keep your standards high and demand the treatment you deserve and kick less to the kerb.
No dont take him back.. he seems like he doesnt want to get back with you anyway and if he did it would very most likely happen again, no point in being together if you arent happy together, as for your children attending the same school as the other ladies children if your kids are up set that they attend the same school or its having an impact on them and there education, then i would be changing schools, let him be and move on find someone who deserves your time and wants to ve with you..good luck
Why are you trying to get back together with this jerk?
I know relationships break ups are bad but he is allowed to leave the relationship and trying to hold on to it won't work. Yes he did it in the wrong way, but even more reason to send him on his way.
Now is the time to set up boundaries for your babies and protect them. Honestly he sounds oblivious so I would be booking for mediation ASAP. You need formal plans and agreements in place for the kids and you. I wouldn't be being so nice, because in this case it's not in the kids best interest. I'd be explaining this is all to fast for the children and they are not ready to be a blended family yet. So he will need to meet in a neutral location on his own for visits or come to your house on his own for now. The kids need time to adjust.
If you are renting I'd plan to move when your lease is up. You don't need that shit rubbed in your face. They are OUTRAGEOUS
Ok I can completely understand you are upset and grieving the loss of your relationship and want to work things out, that's normal hun but you need to put your kids first.
The most important thing is to keep your kids out of this breakup.
It doesn't sound like he will
Come back but tht is between you and him.
Please be very careful about what you say around the kids, they have a right to know dad and even though he's stuffed you around they don't need to know or be involved in this, as hard as it is you need to support his relationship with them and be positive for them otherwise you risk damaging them for life, what we see as kids has a huge effect on our adult life.
Perhaps some counseling or talking to friends may help you to go through this.
Yes it sucks big time what's happened but you need to now find a way forward that's healthy and healing for you and your kids
In a perfect world then yes he should explain what went wrong but it's not a perfect world and some people are douches. He doesn't have to explain his reasons, as much as you want him too he doesn't have too and you should be taking this as a sign he isn't worth your time.
Don't compare yourself and your family situation with kids and a women that dresses the same.
You need to accept he's left you for her and find a way forward that you can happily parent your kids
Wow, what a huge upheaval for all of you. It sounds like it's affecting the kids pretty badly. A couple of my friends had this (kids with special needs and they regressed during seperation). They went to the GP and asked for referrals to cousellers and psychologicists (it's cheaper with a gp referral too), so the kids could have some some space outside the parents to talk and get support. It worked positively for their children, so I encourage you to look into it for your children.
Maybe get some counselling for yourself. You may have to come to acceptance that you will never have the closure and answers you want to the end of your relationship. But you need to find healing and closure for yourself.
Personally I think the fact you were willing to take your husband back and work on the marriage is a sign of how much your family meant to you and shows more maturity and commitment, that unfortunately your ex doesn't have. Just hold your head high and do some nice and kind things for yourself. You can move on with a clean conscience, that is a big thing.
All the best to you.
You neec to stop involving your children in adult conversations. Your children are not mature enough to understand nor should you involve them. Clearly your husband is a disrespectful pig of a man. Your self worth sounds non existent. Probably mostly from living a life with him were he is disrespectful/dishonest and generally not worthy of you or kids. You must be an incredible lady to manage your kids needs. Your husband doesn't deserve anymore of your time. He will walk out on her as he did you. History repeats itself unfortunately with unfaithful people at some stage or in other areas. You need to seek respite for a break and emotional assistance to learn your value. Once you have the tools to realise how to build your self esteem (not easy) you will soon realise how much he brought you down. It will be a breath of fresh air to have your extra piece of shit man child gone. You got this mumma, you do not ever deserve to be anyone's second best. He is in control of his actions and you can not control them. In time you will see this is the best thing to happen. Embrace change with nurturing yourself first. Use respite and all emotional help avenues available to you. Fight for your worth, dont give up.
I only read half of it as I think that's all I needed to read to realise you are having trouble moving forward. He has made it clear he doesn't want to be with you. What he has done sucks but you need to get over it and move on for yours and your kids sake. So his new life resembles his old life with you.. whats that got to do with anything? Let it go. Get councelling if you need too. Explain to your kids that daddy still loves them no matter what. Good luck x
Very similar happened to me at a similar time. I begged him to come back and I still have no explanation. But you NEED to move on. Only speak to him when yo have to. Make sure he has time with the kids and go do something enjoyable.
Gee I miss my old life. But I know I deserve more than him.
Buddhism for break ups by meshel Laurie is great too
Oh sweety it is so fucking hard, but you can, and you will move forward. It takes time, a lot of tears and a shit load of therapy. Get your kids some counseling, they need a neutral person they can trust and talk to. See your therapist weekly or twice weekly to start with, whatever it takes to get through each day, each week. I had a friend who had been through the betrayal/cheating and she recommended her psychologist to me. Seek out someone who specializes in loss and grief.
I was obsessed with ex, his new gf, I felt worthless and shit. I was old, fat and miserable, weighed down with 3 kids, 2 special needs too. She was young, slim, gorgeous, free, no kids....
Oh the shit we tell ourselves hey!?! Counseling will help, as well as one or two loyal, trustworthy, honest friends. They needed to tell me a few times "don't be THAT girl" and we'd have a laugh, believe it or not. Yes, you will laugh again, even if you fake it till you make it. I use a journal, to write all my feelings and thoughts down, it's just for me, and it's liberating to get that shit out of my head. Did I mention I was obsessed? Our paths never crossed, thank God of that, I cannot imagine the anxiety you're living with, having 'them' in your fucking street, in your fucking school!?!?!!!! That's a tough one.
Focus on you, think about who you are, as a woman. Write down all those issues you had, I think you'll realize (in time) you weren't happy, nor were your kids. You will discover a new happy. Plan a future event, outing or holiday, something you and the kids can look forward to, creating new memories that don't contain him.
Your confidence and self esteem will grow, with therapy you will no longer be obsessed about the 'why' and needing closure from him, you will gain your own insights and your own form of closure. You are more brilliant, strong, sexy, sassy, intelligent, resourceful than you realise!
Stop grovelling after this man. You my friend, are too good for him. And trust me, it only pushes them further away. He won't answer your email, text, call even if you are talking about the kids, cos you most likely always make it about the relationship and keep asking why...I know, I was you.
Thank him (in your journal) for giving you 3 amazing children, and a few good years, but it's now time for you both to live a different life. My ex took 2 1/2 years before he owned his part, and could speak of his feelings around our break up, and that's after being involved with a couple of other women.
It seems alot of guys appear to 'move on' quickly, but just because they shack up with someone new, or are 'in love' in no way does that mean they have processed any feelings, or in fact moved on emotionally. Hence, why would you be the topic of conversation between him and the gf? Also, I think it's reassuring to the new gf, if these blokes are bagging out the ex all the time, cos you will always be in each other's lives, because of your kids. Even more so with special needs kids.
I certainly wouldn't be with a man who had just walked out, or who talked about his ex all the time! But you can't think about that. They likely will split, but they could be together forever, who knows!?! It's you we need to focus on. You, living your truth and being honest with yourself.
And FYI no-one can tell you to 'move forward, just forget about him' and voila it's done. It's a fucking painful process that you work through, and you learn more n more about yourself as you move through the stages.
Welcome grief into your life, for the longer you deny her, the longer she will hang around xx
So beautifully written, this was me six years ago, I wish I had got this kind of advice back then. To the OP, it's true, you will one day see him for who he really is and be glad he is gone, but it takes a lot of time. You will even feel sorry and pity for the new partner. I never got the closure from him as he is too much of a moron to sit down and have a respectful conversation about the demise of our relationship. Each time you ring crying (this was me), it gives them the opportunity to twist that knife a little further through your heart, it only makes it worst. At the moment he has a new shiny toy and you are the old one that isn't interesting anymore, some men are awful creatures. The day my sister told me you will never get closure, he is emotionally incapable, a switch went off in my brain and I realised she was right and I wouldnt get it, so time to make my own peace. Accept the apology you will never get. I look at him now and can't believe I ever loved this cold hearted creature lol, my sister also said I would see that one day. I promise you it will get there but please stop all contact except regarding the children, protect your heart and don't allow him to hurt you anymore. Don't force anything on the kids, move at their speed, you can't just dial a new family and expect it to be all happy families. I was lucky my son was only young, it made it less traumatic. Sending you so much love and I pray you find peace soon xxxxx
ohh HUN, you need much more understanding & sympathy/empathy than what you've got from most ppl on here!! This situation is such a gut-wrenching, hard & horrible place for you, and I totally understand how you are gutted & gobsmacked and heartbroken and still needing him & trying to convince him to get back together. I really feel for you! You have been blindsided, and it's so hard to accept and to just give up your life, family life, 'husband' idealism etc. :(. Big hugs to you! You WILL actually find strength and self-worth and happinesss etc but it takes time to realise and to work thru, and I think you need to grieve properly first and definitely get some quality counselling.
I had a very similar situation when my husband told me 6yrs ago that he "was done" and made us split up - my kids were 11, 7, and turning 5 - such innocent precious babies at the time!! Now that I've been thru it, I can look back and say Wow Yes I DID take too long putting myself vulnerable to him and his decision, wanting, crying, begging him to come back and make things work, and in actuality he was the selfish irresponsible cold *bastard* that I was far better off without!!