I need to see someone, I've known for years but I just can't. I've tried but I don't speak to them, I can't tell them how badly I feel, for fear of judgement, failure and everything else. I just can't. But I also can't continue living like this anymore. I suddenly yell at my kids for the smallest things. I would honestly love to walk away and never come back. I feel numb, I couldn't care less about anything. I don't hate my life, I have a great life- but I'm just not happy. I feel on edge constantly, I never have motivation and can't remember the last time I truly felt happy. My husband tries to help but really doesn't understand how I feel or accept mental illness at all. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I can open up to anyone. I'm so good at disguising it that no one close to me even realizes how I truly feel. I feel suffocated by everything I love, I can't breaths
3 Replies
Oh big hugs xx I felt like this - no one close to me knew, like you I was the master of disguise. I ended up writing a letter to my then partner, now husband (you could even just show your husband what you've written here). I couldn't find the words to speak how I felt so I wrote it down. Half of it probably didn't even make sense to him. But he recognised my pain and helped me seek the help that I needed. It didn't make me a failure or weak - I just needed help from others (and medication in the end) to see light in my day
In the past, if I've known that I wouldn't be able to say what I needed to I would write down my feelings and then get the doctor to read it. Maybe you could show this post?
Even if you look up PND and print out info to show your loved ones, you could highlight the bits applicable to you. Then add your own words describing how you want to get help but cannot verbalise it just now.
If you can get yourself to an integrative GP for a start, then go from there.