I'm going to write this as quick as I can so I don't bore you all. But I'm so mentally drained and done.
Ive coped alot of abuse in my short 24 year from being sexually abused when I was just a kid to being raped when I was older taking my vaginity. Ive been bullied and then suffered from self halming and anorexia. I almost died and this week I've been wishing I did. I meet a guy later on where it was just DV DV DV. Every type of DV you could think of he did. I feel pregnant and he tried to make me miscarry. I left and did the pregnancy On My own I raied her on my own to not a bit of help from any one. My best friend came to the birth and I named her after her as she helped me escape from my ex partner. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have my daughter today. But she has soon cut contact with me and I don't know why after taking to a mutual friend he said that's just what she does. I feel guttered. So I moved states and started again. I dont have any help here though. My dad who is getting married to a girl he meet on line 7 months ago stopped helping me. (We are living together) his marrying her in June but won't tell me the date.
In the mean time I've had to sell my beautiful horse Ive had for 10 years back at my home town. My rent is running out here and my dad wants me gone so his 'wife' can move in. I'm going to get a unit which means I'm now facing with selling my 2 dogs. The loves of my life I have the mother and daughter Ive had them since day one of their lives the sleep with me every night so it's going to be monkey in the bed. But on top of all that I found out my boyfriend of 6 months was Cyber cheating on me with his ex sending her pictures and talking dirty. We are working it out. But I'm so dead in side. I thought this bloke was the one his taken on my daughter done so much for me but was lying to my face. I'm also so decentised to everything that what he did doesn't even really effect me as much as it should what he did is nothing compared to what other have done
I'm cutting I'm crying my self to sleep every night. My Daughter is teething so she is up at 3.30 evey morning. She screams all day and I mean ALL day. Shes lost her voice now. Ive had enough of her. And saying that makes me the worst mum of all. My ex told me i was going to be a terrible mother hence why he didn't want me to have the Baby cause she was 'better of with out a mum like me' and I'm starting to think his right. I'm exhausted I feel hung over all the time. Im Lost I don't know what else to do. Ive been complicating suicide quite often. My boyfriend despite what he has done has been a good support his the only one I have where I am as my dad is cutting me off and I don't have any friends. His been having her in the mornings so i can sleep in he even did night duties last night. I havnt been able to leave the house in week the furthest I have got is in the car and I just burst into tears and go back in side. My house is a mess I don't have the motivation to clean it and my dad keeps calling me lazy
I feel deserted. From partners to best friends my parents I feel well I know no one wants to be in my life. I just don't think I can keep going on.
The only thing keeping me going is cutting my self every morning to give me that pain to feel alive. Ive lost so much not just my pets that are my babies but my divinity, i feel like a cheap f*** a prostitue cause that is how my partners have treated me well that's how I feel any way, my sanity, my light to shine.
I don't know what I'm asking but maybe I'm just venting cause I have no one to vent to.
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
5 Replies
I'm sorry, this is awful. You need to get yourself to your GP if you can. If you can't tell them everything, give them this to read. Help is out there.
People can (and often will) be shit, there's nothing you can do but not be shit with them. I said it last night to someone else and I'll say it again, you can be who you want to be despite where you've come from. I don't describe myself as a sexual abuse survivor, nor a domestic violence survivor (childhood, not now, my partner is so fucking amazing) but simply as a winner. I refuse to be defined, either by myself, or stereotypically by where I have come from. I look back and things could have been so much different, I haven't handled everything well, there are still regrets but there are right choices to make and it's time my dear you start making them.
Don't destroy yourself over toxic relationships. My best friend is my sister, her mum is my mum, her dad is my poppy, my partners mum is my mum, her mum is my gran. Family is who you choose and there are good people out there! Your daughter needs you to be healthy. She NEEDS that role model! She has not deserted you, she's young and she's hard, she's even going to be harder but she 100% needs you fit and healthy and active for duty. See your GP, if you can't say it print this post and take it, get a mental health plan (see they actually value this shit enough to make it a priority to fix it), get a good Psych to talk to. It will be hard, and you will cry a lot, and you won't want to talk about it but get it out anyway. You won't want to go back, but go back anyway. You won't want to do what they say but do it anyway. You've got this.
Independence is a glorious thing. I went from a girl child in a house where women didn't work, or even drive, or even have a use other than making babies, sandwiches and slaving to a fiercely independent (yet oddly long-term partnered lol) chickie who goes on holidays alone (seriously as soon as I type this I'm heading 4 hours away to the beach, no accommodation booked nothing, just a bottle of bourbon, my car fridge and a camp chair lol) and has a girls week planned for next year with school friends, works in a male orientated business (until two weeks ago I was the only female department manager, now we have one more) dealing with people who in the olden days would have owned me a million times over and that's only if I was worth a million bucks, I'm on my 3rd car (drive them into the ground!!!), and I don't cook dinner unless I'm feeling particularly nice. I do clean though, I like to clean. A few years ago I became the first of my family to own a house (ok I own a mortgage but that's just nit-picking). I've smashed almost every female stereotype I grew up with, all that is left is uni education and I don't need it but in my retirement I think I could fit in a degree to keep my mind active.
Most of these good changes came about once I realised I didn't have to rely on anyone else to fix me, I could do it myself. I didn't have to show I was hurt to feel hurt, and I didn't have to feel hurt just to feel something. It's the reason I used to hurt myself, I worried about the numbness, but it's not there anymore. It took a lot of years, a lot of going back when I didn't want to go back and doing what I didn't want to do but it's worked. I won't comment on the BF issues, I think as you move through the steps to healing that will sort itself out as your confidence and self worth improves. All I can recommend is you start, take the first step. People, good people, will come up along the way and they will help.
Hunny u are in serious crisis ! Get professional
Help now ! Take ur self to emergency at the hospital
And tell them you are feeling suicidal they will give you the space to rest and start to recover a little .... and they will help you find a safe space for your daughter while your there . If your family can't help care for her while you do then let an emergency care
Family do it . She will be ok ! But not if your not ok!! While you are in this space it is very difficult to be the
Mum you want to be but you can be
That !! You can!! It's worth fighting for and it's worth sticking around for ! I bet Your daughter adores u already. You are her everything !!!!!!
Where are you located? Please inbox me I've replied without been anonymous so you can.
You've been dealt a fucking hard hand in life and good job on being here for your daughter after everything you've been through. It does get easier. Go to a GP or a hospital show them what you've wrote here they will help you. Inbox me with what state you're in I can help and give you a break. And if you're not in my state I may know others who can help till you get yourself on you're feet and start fresh. It sounds like we've been dealt a similar hand in life with the difference I had family there to catch me I know my life could have ended up a lot different if they didn't so I would like to help because I have been in your spot and it is a horrible place and with the right support it can get better.
Please seek some professional help, your daughter needs you there's help out there you can always call lifeline 131114 and they will point you in the right direction or take yourself to the ed at your local hospital and tell them you are suicidal I wish you all the best and hope you can get the help that you need