What do i do? I've had a massive screaming match/argument with my MIL. I have a 3mth of baby and her 1st grandbaby. But since she was born i feel she has done nothing but question and judge everything i do with my daughter. We have always had a rocky relationship. But since my daughter she has become worse. Anyways the fight ended up on me loosing my cool majorily and i kicked her out of my house. I just couldn't do it anymore. I feel she just ruins my confidence and judges my house on how clean it is. I feel she always has to find a negative with something everytime they visit. I just want her to like me and accept me but she has made it clear she only accepts me cause im her sons wife. But i feel she doesn't respect my choices with my daughter. She is so passive aggressive. For e.g She asks me the same question about her feeds/sleeps every single day. Why do i do that etc. I explain and then she asks me again the next day. My husband is SO angry with me and has threatened to leave me cause of this. As he thinks its all me and his mum does nothing wrong. He thinks i try to justify my reactions. Yes its true i get very very angry and its not ok. But i react to things that she says like...u will get angry with ur baby n shake her, if u have another u will kill it, if u stress ur baby will be born screaming, i could go on and on about the things she says. She makes me feel like i have to be a perfect mum. When i tell her how she makes me feel she says she doesn't mean it like that etc. But i dont know how else to take it. I just get my back up instantly. Husband wants me to get help. So im going to see a physologist tomorrow. But i just feel so guilty. As i feel i have torn our family apart. Why cant i just shut up n not let her upset me so much? I also want my baby to be with her nanna. Mil has said she doesn't want to see me anymore and to me it seems this is the end of the road? What do i do?
14 Replies
She sounds like a very toxic individual, "crazy making".....she makes passive aggressive comments and when you react, you're the crazy one. It's got worse since you had the baby as you want so much to be a good mum, so she has something to hit below the belt and "trigger" you.The only way to beat her is to have self confidence in who you are and the mother that you are to your beautiful new baby, that armour will protect you from her opinions. Have faith in yourself and any comments she makes just nod and smile or even ignore questions she asks (passive aggressive right back at her lol), pretend like you didn't hear them, that will really piss her off. Make her opinion of you none of your business and as long as you react in a hostile manner, she wins, so don't do it! Easier said than done I know, but you will get there ❤️
I like the ignore her part! As she does that to me all the time! I will be talking and she totally ignores me. Then says she didn't hear me. Even though im sitting right next to her and talking directly to her lol
Why do you talk to your mother in law everyday? I don't speak to my own mother everyday. It sounds like the entire family could do with some help to set up healthy boundaries. They sound totally over involved.
This doesn't sound like a 'you' problem. This sounds like a huge family dynamic problem.
Personally I couldn't function in a family where I was expected to communicate with anyone, other than my partner and children everyday. Your partner sounds like he hasn't separated from his parents properly and so is overly detached.
Yes I think it's a good idea to seek out a psychologist. Not because there is something wrong with you. You need help to put healthy boundaries in place. Be aware that your husband and his family will not like that. They will either get with your program or you'll release they are all incredibly unhealthy and you'll leave them behind to live in there toxic dynamic.
The Psychologist is a great idea, not because there's something wrong with you or what you're doing but because they can help you build your confidence and self-esteem up to where what she thinks, says and does doesn't matter to you. It's that simple, here's a secret, we ALL feel like we're failing, like we're being judged, like we're not good enough, like someone out there thinks they can do it better and our kids would be better of with them, and there are also people out there like your MiL that think it's their god given right to make sure you keep feeling like that.
For me it was my SiL, her brother and I were 19 when we happened to conceive and have a little boy. Despite her only being 2 years older and no kids of her own she made my life hell for the first 2 years, I couldn't do anything right and she would literally tear him from my arms and do what I was doing, so much so that I had to leave her brother for a short time just to get away. At that point she lost all contact with me and my son. I avoided family gatherings on their side of the family when she was expected to be there (still took him to see MiL frequently, I love that woman) and eventually she realised her behaviour had caused her to lose those toddler/young by years. He was 8 before she saw him again, before she'd had her own kids and I forgave her.
If I'd seen the Psych sooner I may not have lost that time with my partner or spent so many years giving a flying fuck what his sister thought. These days I don't care what anyone thinks, other than me, my partner and our son. Everyone can else has no importance.
It sounds like you are both quite toxic when together - her being passive aggressive and you being reactive.
One thing to solve the smaller things, have a schedule up on the fridge. Feed time is at such and such, sleep time is at such and such. So that she can refer to those for future purposes. She may on her part feel like she is showing an interest in you and the baby and mean no harm by asking :)
Seeing a psychologist is a great idea, they'll help you find ways to cope and to approach your husband about moving forward. I had a similar situation with my SIL and we were always nit-picking at each other. It was pretty ugly. I saw a psych and she gave me great ways to approach things. For me it was sitting my husband down and explaining how I feel when she does certain things and that it isn't making family gatherings enjoyable. I also acknowledged that on my part I wasn't helping and I came up with solutions. That included only visiting on special occasions (we used to do dinner together every bloody week, so repetitive and annoying!), he would do all the organisation/communication with her and small little things like that. It really, really helped the relationship between us all and now things are perfectly fine!
I think getting help for any anger isses you have is great, but I also think your husband needs to compromise as well.
I had similar issues with my MIL when I first found out I was pregnant. She wanted to control how I raised the baby, and became extremely toxic towards me when she realized that she couldn't control me.
What worked for me was to put some boundaries in place.
Husband was oblivious to what was happening as he was so use to the behaviour that it was normal to him, so I sat him down and explaimed everything.
I quoted things that she said and explained how they were hurtful. He hadn't noticed that many of the comments were actually insults or her attempt at controlling me.
I told him to listen very carefully to both what she was saying and what she meant.
He was shocked.
We agreed to change a few things.
No spontaneous visits, as it gave me time to brace myself and put on my fake smile.
She wasn't to come to our house, as I refused to be belittled/insulted/made uncomfortable/etc in my own house.
Less contact, as two or three times a week was too much for me to handle (but it was made extremely clear that he could see her whenever she wanted as I didn't want to come between their relationship together - it'd just mean that I'd stay at home more often).
And the one that worked best for us was - leaving after she started to become rude or disrespectful. This was added after it became clear that ignoring her, saying no to her demands, correcting her insults, etc made her become worse.
It forced husband to listen to what was being said. He noticed that I had been trying and it had been her creating the extra drama. He figured that she was doing it for the attention she received by playing the 'poor me' card.
He also realized that she was trying to end our relationship, likely so she could get sympathy and attention off of her friends and family.
My husband decided to stop all contact with his mother after she became a safety risk, but the boundaries improved our relationship so much.
His mother almost ended the relationship, but the boundaries (which lasted a year before he decided to walk away) not only saved our relationship, but it made it better for us as it opened up our communication. It taught us that we could discuss sensitive topics as sensible adults without worrying about it causing a fight.
Wow! Ur situation is 100% the same. Husband doesn't see anything and i also believe he is so use to her being like that he doesn't notice it! Thank you that has helped me alot
i feel like this site would really help you.
https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation
I don't think you have done anything wrong, I think anyone would lose their cool after being criticised for so long! Especially being mum of a new baby, you need time to bond and adjust and learn your own routine. I have been in a very similar situation. What saved me was a book called "boundaries" by Dr Townsend. It teaches that you are perfectly well within your rights to set boundaries with people to protect your own mental health. For example, I set boundaries that myself and kids would not stay in my Mil house, but we could have short visits. That if there was any abusive behaviour we would leave immediately. I do stress that this only worked because my husband also got counselling and realised through this how manipulative and abusive his mother is. It is his responsibility to recognise unacceptable behaviour and protect you from it. You might benefit from marriage counselling as it might help to open his eyes to what is going on. Don't worry - you aren't going crazy - and I think your husband needs to really step up and support you in making boundaries xx
Woah your husband is threstening to leave you?? You have a newborn baby stress is not what you need, threats definitely not.
Is there other behaviours that have him concerned? Honestly it doesnt sound like hes concerned for you, more about his mummy. Dont be blamed and forced into her ruining your esteem and mental health just to keep your family. Its ok to draw healthy boundaries for your own sanity.
I think go to counselling if there are other issues as well. Otherwise tell your husband to fuck off to his mummy and come back when hes ready to be a husband and support you.
My MIL is extremely passive aggressive and also a narcissist so I feel your pain. But I personally think your first issue is with hubby. If he's threatening to leave you over this then there is something seriously wrong. He needs to grow a pair and stand by you. In our relationship, hubby deals with his mother. I'm civil to her and thankfully have very little to do with her as we moved to another state (yeehaw!) but she'll often make her snide comments when hubby isn't around, which Used to peeve me but now I find it hilarious and actually call her on it by saying "what do you mean" which usually shuts her up.
My SIL actually had the screaming showdown with her and she does seem to have calmed down after that. I think it's a great idea to see a psych, not in regards to your anger as I think that's reasonable given the situation and the fact you've just had a baby, but to learn techniques that will help you being so affected by a person like this. And maybe hubby should attend too, so the psych can point out that he's a husband now, and wife comes before mummy dearest.
My MIL and SIL used to gang up on me when hubby wasn't around.
I told him to listen through a slightly closed door. BUSTED. They have not seen our kids since our youngest was 2 she is now 6.5years old.
Hubby saw SIL recently and she is doing everything they criticised.
Do what makes you happy
For your hubby: The vag you come in trumps the vag you came out of.
The first thing to think about is to be kind to yourself. Being a first time mum can be so overwhelming, you need great support around you.
The next thing is your husband. He needs to grow up and protect his family - you and your baby. The transition of 'immediate family' from parents/siblings to partner/children can be difficult to navigate for everyone.
Your MIL sounds like mine, narcissistic with unrealistic expectations that her view should be considered and welcomed.
Only you can set the boundaries for the behaviours you accept. We are treated how we allow others to treat us.
Sending you strength and love x