I've recently become a step-mum to my partners 3 year old daughter. I hate it. I feel like I'm putting in a lot emotionally, fincancially and timewise, and getting nothing out of it. I don't know any other step-parents and I'm feeling so lost and confused. I want to know, does it get any better? Will I ever feel like I'm getting something out of this?
10 Replies
What exactly are you hoping to get out of it?
This depends a lot on expectations and how fast/slow and well managed things are.
From past experience and experiences of friends there seems to be pressure on new female partners to take on an intensive mothering roll early on in the piece.
It takes time to build a relationship with a child. i won't even meet a guys kids until I've known him a few months and then I will naturally fall into a cool aunt roll.
It seems a lot of guys think there partner is a free child care service with 'benefits'. I refuse to fall in to that trap. I love kids and nurture them etc but I won't take on the bulk of parenting. That's the parents job.
Bonding with a child takes a long time, it needs to be slow. Parenting wise you still need to have the same parenting style wether it's your child or not. If your parenting styles don't mesh take it as a sign that things might not be a match.
Yes i wonder whats made her become step-mum? Have they just met or just married? Its odd, you dont just become a step mum, the fact is your partner has a young daughter thats all, the rest is up to you theres no instant title and role.
Hopefully she can give us more information. It's such a hard position to be in. To know what's right and how to manage it so its successful. I was actually dumped by a boyfriend because 'I wasn't available to look after/help with his kids'. We'd only been together a month but somehow I was supposed to totally rearrange my life to play mum to his children.
Well he did you a favour! Yep if youre being pushed to care or spend then take a good look at him. He's the parent.
I agree, lucky escape. I don't think he was looking for a relationship, just free chilcare. I was totally glad he broke up with me.
Im wondering what youre putting in and would like to remind you that the parenting should still be dads - dont let it become your job, and secondly kids dont need a lot, dont feel obligated to spend and buy, you can say no and offer another free alternative, such as a nature walk and collect things, play hide and seek or do anything together. Dont push too hard and dont be pushed too hard.
I became a stepmum to 3 kids about 10 years ago. One of the kids was 3. This is going to be as easy or hard as you want to make it. Ease up. What do you want in return? What are you expecting? It took a while to really connect with the 3yo. It took time and effort from me to be there for him, respect the mum and really enjoy our time together.
I'm think that maybe the IM is not a mother herself and perhaps has unrealistic expectations of a 3 year old? If this is the case, yes it's gets better, they get older and more independent and become quite amazing and interesting little humans. Some people refer to three year olds as threeangers lol if that helps. You don't generally spend time/money on a three year old and actually get anything back, they are pretty selfish at that age. Even when they are older they can be quite ungrateful, it's a battle we all go through.
What do you want to get out of it? Do you mean you've only just been introduced to her or you've just met your partner and taken on the role? It's a lot to take on suddenly if it's a new relationship. She's 3 years old so may take a while to warm up to you, she may be shy or just not interested in having a relationship with you yet. Being in-between mum/step-mum is a big task for a little girl. Be mindful of that.