approximately 13 years ago i was very unhappily married with two small children. To cut a long story short I had an affair that ended up with me leaving my then husband and starting a life with this man. I was ready to leave before the affair started but didn't for a variety of stupid reasons. This man and I are now happily married and my kids adore him and he treats them as his own. My ex has also moved on and is also re-married. He knows about the affair (as do a lot of people as i try to be open and upfront about it when appropriate) but our kids don't. At the time they were too young to understand what was happening and now time has just gotten away from me. I know they need to know and i probably should have already told them but im paralyzed with fear of their anger and loss of respect for me and their step dad. I am 100% not proud of how our relationship started (so please there is no need to tell me i should have ended things first etc etc because i KNOW all that already but i cant change the past) but we love each other and our children are our world. I guess what im asking is how should i approach this?
9 Replies
Why do your kids need to know? Is it because they blame themselves?
There is no need to share this information unless the come to you and ask. Imagine sitting down and just telling them, it just doesn't sound right to do.
I feel if i dont tell them someone else eventually will, quite possibly their father. I think them finding out from someone else will be worse?
If you feel strongly about telling your children I would wait till they are appropriate age so they understand. Also HOW you tell them is very important. For example your father and I weren't compatible anymore and we didn't love each other enough anymore to continue to live together as a family. One day I met someone (your step dad) and I found love again, this man was what was missing in my life and in my heart and that's why your father and I separated because we both had to find the right person in our life to be happy. Not for example I cheated on your father because he made me miserable and I found another man to make me feel better. You know what I mean it's important to get the wording right so they understand you came from a place of love and to be happy not to intentionally hurt their father
They don't need to know. Adult problems are never a child's.
No one should tell them either - it's no one else's business - ever.
If they do find out, then be upfront. "What happens in my relationships is seperate from you and the love I have for you, I Can tell you what you want to hear, but don't judge me or my choices just like I don't judge you or YOUR choices"
You should absolutely NOT tell your children. My mum told me of an affair she had when we were children. It ruined me. It had a dreadful effect
It's not really an appropriate thing to tell a child. I would just leave it.
I think with history, its important to acknowledge that you did wrong but to also not forget who is entitled to be hurt and who it does not concern at all. Focus on that I would suggest you say I met him before I had finished the relationship with dad and it was wrong and it hurt him and he didnt deserve that. Ending the relationship with dad and living separately also hurt me in a different way, we just arent good being married together and we're all happier now. And if anybody else talka to you about it youtell them its none of their damn business. End of story really.
I would wait until
They ask you ! I mean I wasn't even interested in my parents beginnings until I was old enough to be entering my own relationships and then I started asking questions .... really the last thing your kids want to know is about when you started having sex with your now hubby !! If they are teenagers then that's what they will think about ....
they might ask how you met your now hubby or ask what happened between you and dad to
Make u divorce .... answer their questions if they come ! But don't try to bring it up ! It's awkward and bound to make u all uncomfortable !
One day you might see your kids go through something similar (like being cheated on or liking someone else while already in a relationship ) bring it up then if it's needed and use ur experiences to help them ..... IF someone else says anything to them I'd guarantee they'd come to you with questions answer them honestly when they do .
Everyone has a past and many many stories will never be told to our children . Except on a need to know basis !
TELL THEM ASAP! I found out that my mum had an affair with her then husband when I was 13 from his children who were many years younger than me. Yes, they will be cranky and yes they will need some time to process it. But believe me, 20yrs down the track, my relationship has never been the same.