WARNING: SENSITIVE TOPIC
Ok, so a bit of background....
I have 2 beautiful children, to my ex partner (we separated 2 years ago), however I feel like I've always struggled with the bond I have with my kids.
(As a child I was never overly close to either of my parents and grew more distant and awkward with them the older I got)
I feel like this is now replicating itself with my kids. I feel very little if any maternal bond there, and quite frankly I'm a happier person when I'm not around them.... To say I find my own children irritating makes me feel AWFUL! But it's true.... When I did have them 50/50 I found myself counting down the time till they went back to their dad's. It was always a highly stressful and unenjoyable time.
Since their father and I separated its been a down hill slide, we're in the midst of family court proceedings, my ex has had me investigated half a dozen times now through many unsubstantiated allegations to the department of family and community services.
A big part of me feels like it would just be easier to give my ex the full custody he wants and leave it at that. But at the same time I don't want to impact my kids by having them feel like I've abandoned them....
Basically I don't feel like I'm cut out to be a mum! I feel like if I'd had my time over that perhaps having kids wasn't right for me... I mean what mother can say she's genuinely happier when her kids aren't around??
I feel so alone and like such a terrible mother and person for feeling the way I do...
I've tried counselling but it hasn't helped either unfortunately
6 Replies
Believe it or not, a lot of mothers feel the same way you do. But it's just so taboo to talk about so generally you'll never hear about it.
Would you consider letting him have the kids during the week and you have them on weekends? Or every second weekend?
I've considered letting him have them majority of the time and seeing them every second weekend, but I just don't want my kids to feel like I've abandoned them. Because God only knows what my ex would say to the kids about me then....
Plus I'm concerned about the backlash from family and friends because society is so focused on the fact that women should be maternal and care for their kids mostly, you're a failure of a mother if you can't do that so they say
Society sucks, doesn't it?
Dads can have kids every second weekend or even less and no one bats an eye. Not sure why it should be any different for mums if that's what works for the family.
I have a friend with BPD and she recognizes her capabilities, her ex has their little girl most of the time. They're pretty open and connected co-parents, so no threat of docs which would be super stressful
I LOVE it when my son isn't home. I LOVE having the house to myself.
But I also love my son to death. I mean I'd walk through fire for that kid. I have sacrificed more than anyone could ever know for my son.
My parents, whom I have a pretty bloody close relationship with are pretty much the same. My mum used to celebrate when it was the start of school term. My mum actually said to me, (I was an adult) 'I love you kids, but I wish I saw less of you'! Now my mum has literally sacrificed her dreams for us kids over and over again. There is no doubt she loves us!
I think you are being far too hard on yourself. My sister made the same comment after going through the family court 'she could see why parents give up', she didn't give up but she understood the enormous toll the process took.
It's probably a good idea to see a counsellor or psychologist about how you are feeling, but I think you are too hard on yourself.
Don't feel guilty. How many dads have their kids every second weekend and no-one calls them neglectful or bad parents?!? Do an 80/20 care arrangement and get yourself a good therapist