I feel like I'm failing at this mummy thing. How do you mummies do it? I feel like I'm the worst mum in the world. I'm currently sitting outside with a cup of tea with tears. I think I'm a horrible mum. All I seem to do it yell at my beautiful little girl. I watch the disappointment and sadness in her eyes and face and with that look I know I'm failing. It breaks my heart that I'm breaking my beautiful little girls heart.
I'm a single mum and this shit is tough. I feel like she hates me. She wants her aunties uncle and nanny more than she wants me and this breaks my heart.
Bedtime she will not lay down and go to sleep. I can read to her. I can lay with her. She will not stay still which makes her stay awake. It's so fristrauting. She spills food/drinks whatever she doesn't give a crap. I can make her clean it I can make her sit at the table the minute my back is turned she moves from there anyway. I can't count the amount of times I've had milk spilt on my lounge or carpet but no water what I say she still doesn't get it. I put a lid on she will drop it etc and the lid just comes off.
I'm so so so so sad. My heart is breaking. Maybe I'm not meant to do this mummy thing. I love her to pieces and everything I do I do it for her. She doesn't get excited to see me when I get her from kindy.
I have full care of her due to domestic violence and her being on the order. I haven't left her with her father in years even when we were together I still didn't leave her with him.
But sometimes I think maybe I'm damaging my beautiful little girl. Maybe she is better off with him. I know deep down she isn't better off with him at all but I'm ruining our relationship. I'm the cranky mum who is always cross.
I don't want to be this mum but she won't listen until I've got to the point where I'm cranky and yelling. She doesn't listen until that point I get so so cross.
I'm coming to think I'm the worst mum ever. I know what it's like to be yelled at. My father yelled at me the whole time I grew up and I hated it. I hate I'm like him and I don't want to be. I used to be the fun mum that would play outside or do things with her. I don't do that anymore.
I hate myself more than I wish to admit. I've put on 40kgs and j struggle to do every day things. I have an Aunto immune disease and the weight isn't helping it. I just can't seem to shift it. I joined a gym but I feel guilty leaving her at kindy an extra hour to hour and a half because I shouldn't be leaving her for others to care for when I can be there. I'm eating shit because I'm an emotional eater. I just don't know how to get myself out of this.
I can't go see a dr because her dad will use it against me. Everything he can get he would use against me in spite of me and I know she isn't safe with him which is why I'll always fight for her and try to make myself a better person. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't have friends so I can't call them up and chat and my family don't seem to get it like I wish they would when I say something.
I don't even know what I'm asking I guess I'm just venting or needing to let it out somewhere
I'm a Bad mummy
I'm a Bad mummy
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt
10 Replies
Im just guessing that she is very young still. She will grow out of being so hard and so much work and cleaning. She really will it will happen before you know it. Right now breathe, and remember how it feels to be kicked when you make a mistake and all you want to do is please and be loved, harness that, stop yourself, breathe, and do the action, say the words you know she wants to hear. You can practice it without her, even an all- situations catchphrase like nobodys perfect, not even me! Or its only .... its not a big problem, or Mummy sees you trying so hard! the hard part is catching yourself before you lose it, breathe, and choose to react differently.
Also try to get outside again. Find a way you can play with her, get some fresh air and unwind and relax together it will help.
We all fail/fuck up etc at some stage. Good news is we can do something about it and tomorrow is a new day.
First things first, it's time to find a good psychologist or counsellor to talk to. Your Gp can help with this.
As for your daughter Daycare age kids have the attention span of a goldfish. They ruin shit, they spill it, and they get distracted by shiny objects. Of course she doesn't give a crap about spilling stuff, she won't care until she is about 20 years old. They get bored sitting at the table on there own so they wander off. This is why non spill cups, drink bottles were invented and why daycares have Lino floors.
So this is what I did with my child. I sat with him at the table and talked to him. It was hard cause I was thinking of the 109 jobs I needed to do but in the end I realised 1. My kid said really interesting stuff in that time, 2. I was cleaning up less mess in the long run, 3. I was teaching my child how to stay seated without yelling. 4, I could do the other stuff faster. Otherwise buy those non spill cups. Take one stresser away.
Also go somewhere with lots of children see how they behave, they don't sit still, they wander etc. they only sit in daycare at a table because they have other kids to entertain them or adults reminding them every five seconds but even then they get up and move around.
You know what... he can't use you seeing a doctor against you. How's he going to even know why you went to the doctor? Who's gonna tell him?
Do you know what he can use against you?
He can use the fact that you're refusing to get any help against you, he can use that your not doing the best by your child against you, that you're abusing your child against you!! But he cannot use the fact that you're getting help to make you the best mum you can be against you!!
You're thinking like he still controls you. You're not thinking like a person in control of herself.
I tell at my kids all the time. They're driving me crazy. My 4 year old today took the lid off of her water bottle and tipped it on the floor on purpose. She made her suzie sheep and Rebecca rabbit little figurines jump in muddy puddles (it was her left over dessert ??) I didn't yell at her for that, I washed them, dried them and put them back I need the doll house. I had to remind myself that if I had put the bowl away when she said she was finished it wouldn't of happened. My boy tipped all of his toy boxes over the floor of his room. I yelled and made him clean it up. I told him I was sad because he wouldn't eat his dinner. I don't yell at him for not eating any more he's sensory when it comes to food and he's fussy and as long as he eats it eventually I'll be a happy mummy again.
I'm with my kids by myself the majority of the time and they've all just had a week off school with Gastro ? Worst week of my life. So much vomit and poop to clean. I already have so much stuff to do I get a little stressed with them some times and if not a lot.
Mumma get yourself some help and then you will become the mum your daughter needs the mum you want to be!!
Yes i agree. The short fuse hair trigger and mean explosion comes from the abusive relationship. And the stress in you in this new situation too, alone newly single, emotionally wrecked, trying to make it all work with a baby that needs you, its a whole lot to deal with. Its something you still have to keep working on. Youve left it for yourself which is amazing, but making sure your daughter is also benefiting and recovering. Its a really big task for you considering everything. But shes worth it. She deserves it too. A psych will be able to help and it will be seen as recovery from HIM because thats exactly what all of this still is.
There is NO way he would be able to find out why you went to see a doctor. The doctor has to follow strict confidentiality laws.
Also he can't use you seeing a mental health practitioner against you. If that was the case 50% of us wouldn't have custody of our kids. Plus, psychologists and counsellors have confidentiality laws and can't speak to anyone about you without your permission. There is absolutely no way a doctor can be used against you.
You are not alone! My daughter is 2 and a half and at the moment we are renovating our house. She gets into the pain when told not to touch it for the 5th time, makes a mess and acts very naughty..today i gave her a smack on the hand and she ran into her room crying. I felt so guilty her little face was so sad but i just snapped because she wouldbt listen.
I went into her room and gave her a hug and i appologised to her for getting cranky and smacking her, she gave me a cuddle and said sorry to be for not listening..sometimes we loose our cool.. we are only human as long as its not an every day thing i wouldnt stress too much..and if it does occur frequently then see a doctor and let them refer you to someone that can talk to you and help you out..dont mention to anyone that you are seeing a doctore that way your ex won't find out (i know you are probably worried that if he was to find out that you were seeking help for something like this that he would say that you cant handle being a mother) but thats not the case! And doctors have to keep things confidential.
It would be hard being a single mum no one takes the load of your shoulders so you are left to do everything.. big hugs to you and just remember that they arent young forever. This is just a kid being a kid and i knownhow frustrating it can be.
In the background we're all fucking it up too sometimes. You're not a horrible mum, just an imperfect one. I saw that look of disappointment and sadness in my sons eyes. He was two. That was the point a switch flipped in me and my journey to be a less shit mum began. Oprah, Dr Phil, Jo Frost, self help books, Triple P parenting program, anger management classes, you name it I was all up in it in my endeavour to learn better so I could be better. 18 years later and I've still had some shitty relapses but overall I became a massive improvement on what I was. I often feel I wasn't meant to be a mum, I didn't deliberately fall pregnant but I made damn sure it didn't happen again. And I did my best to be the best mum I could be. You can't hate yourself for doing what you know, but you can push yourself to know better too, start with the parenting program. I found it especially useful as my son was diagnosed ODD, the belt the fuck out of them parenting method I was raised with was never going to work for him.
She doesn't hate you. You are the disciplinarian so you're an authority figure, the others are "fun" because they don't have the responsibility you do. You can be both, work on having fun while also being her guide. Start today, find one fun thing the two of you can do every week and make it a tradition. Build on it from there. If she has difficulty staying still for story time, first make sure you're wearing her out during the day, second find something different. Maybe she's absorbing all this anxiety and negative energy during the day and struggling with it. How about a beginners yoga video for before sleep, chuck on a sounds of the forest cd for relaxing music and the two of you on the loungeroom floor can pretzel yourselves into contentment. There's always alternatives to try :) When it comes to spilling etc, kids are so different. My boy has always been terribly serious and careful. If he spilled something it was the end of the world because it destroyed his neat, perfect sense of environment around him. On the other hand, my nieces are animals! They come to visit and I make us all a cup of tea and I carry them outside, we sit out on the porch and drink them. Same for food, they come to visit and meals/snacks are outside, it's like feeding time at the zoo. The first time they came as a gaggle to visit my house looked like it had been overrun by a herd of meerkats being chased by a family of chimps. There was literally everything spilled every where and it took weeks to clean up. Just different kids, not better, not worse, just different. For when my boy was little we had good quality sippy cups that had a screw on lid so if they were dropped the spill was minimal, keep an eye out for one like it they were awesome.
You can see your dr, it's all confidential. Get onto a mental health plan and talk things over with a psychologist. Do what they say even when you don't want to and see if things pick up in a while. Also, if your daughter loves kindy, leave her there for the extra 90 minutes or so. You'll be happier after a workout therefore she may just respond with more happiness when she sees you. It could be a win-win situation.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're out, your daughter is safe. That's a great deal more achieved already than some manage in a lifetime. you have the potential to be better, your love for your daughter shows, now to put some actions into place and begin the next stage of your lives.
Hey hun you're not alone. My daughter is the same and I'm not even a single mum but my partner works full time so I do everything during the day on my own and I have a child in school as well. She is just how you described your daughter. The spilling, the no sleeping...I yell a lot too. But the good news is I know she will grow out of it. As will yours. If she is being fed and looked after, you're doing a great job. Being a parent, single or not, is difficult and tiresome.
Time to start taking care of yourself IM. If you continue down this path it will get worse. Take the time out for the gym. Go to the doctor (it sounds like you may have anxiety/depression - one major symptom is anger), get yourself healthy. Get a mental health plan to see a psychologist. Your ex cannot use any efforts to help yourself against you - his threats are a continuation of him trying to control you (especially if there's an AVO or restraining order). A mother (including a single one) needs to self care in order to care for others. Please reach out for help. Your daughter needs you xx
Oh goodness, I just read your post because this is me too! Parenting for young ones is difficult- I have a 4 yr old and 2 yr old and I think they wrote the book on not listening to mummy and misbehaving. I totally get the emotional eating and feeling guilty about going to the gym. I dont have any words of encouragement but just know you aren't the only one and I'm sure there are others which makes us then not the worst Mothers in the World because at least we love them and do have fight for them. Xxx