Hey IP's
Sorry about the length. & please be kind (I'm trying to get normal back).
My now ex, who I love so dearly has been open and honest with me (now! now he's my ex ?) informed me that for the first 6-years of our 8-year relationship he was unfaithful multiple times. And goes on saying that's he's been '100%' faithful after the engagement (6-y Mark) - (engagement was before I found out about the multiple cheating, I only knew about the first one &I wasn't aware of in depth that was).
I'm actually not hurt nor surprised. I suspected this and each and every time I questioned him he lied and or made out I was being unfaithful. I was at times blamed, him saying; I shut him out, he was getting "advice" from these woman about me, I made him do those things, or I earned more money which made him feel insignificant. Etc.
The first time he cheated on me (from what I know) in the first 9 months we were dating (and me stupidly stayed) and despite evidence that I found out first hand, he denied it for a good 3+ years, then things started to come out of it (the truth) over the years. I only found out when we broke up (6-m ago) with that particular relationship he was given an ultimatum and he suposeable chose me - that's what broke me, because I would of preferred he chose her (then he wouldn't of 'used' me for the remaining years). But despite 'choosing me' he continued to see her behind my back and each and every time we broke up. & then when we got back together he was still in 'contact' with her (she also knew about me).
Allot of information came out much later in the relationship. Which I feel had ruined it for me, but I stayed. And it wasn't just this one person, there were multiple (more than my hands can count).
We have not been in a partnership for nearly 6-months. I broke it off with him, as he wouldn't talk to me, open up and be honest. And in all honesty I knew I deserved to be respected. Fast forward to now, he keeps telling me he loves me and wants his family back. But that's it. I truly love him, he was my best friend and I miss the good times we shared with one another. Though my gut is telling me not to go there again, and I keep questioning his lack of respect and faithfulness towards me.
I know I should never accept him back in our lives and each and every time I get better clarity on the situation he 'appears' back and then I'm constantly thinking of him. I feel as though I question him allot, but even him wanting me back he is giving me no reason to stay.
Prior to him 'reappearing' back into our lives, I have seen first hand how I should be treated. I'm in no way ready to date again, but been on a few casual dates - nothing came of it, but they were roughly his age and they had their shit together, respected me and were genuine people. Between now and 6-months ago, I haven't had intercourse with anyone but my ex (my choice, just don't want to get into bad habits going from one-relationship to the next). And I'm truthfully nowhere near ready, my aim is to find and love myself again.
I know what I should do and not accept him back in our lives, but my heart is doing the opposite. It's so frustrating. But at the same time, just looking at him makes me angry. This bitter person i have become, I'm hating her (I used to be such an amazing person - personal brag). I feel he has turned me into someone I resent.
Even just rereading what I wrote I've already answered my question. Maybe it's just reassurance from complete strangers or venting. I dono, or possible reassuring myself by writing this for not taking him back. My friends are telling me don't go back and my family adore him to some extent (I guess in comparison to my other ex's) but all they want is a for me to be happy (they also don't know the full extent of the relationship breakdown).
I'm in no way desperate, I know I can be with whoever I choose to be. All I ever wanted was more children and stability, but due to his unfaithfulness I chose not to have children with him (and he knows that).
I've had multiple STI (etc) checks over the years and after we broke up and I don't have anything. Which is a huge relief. I'm also seeing a Psychologist, who've I've been seeing since the breakup (for other reasons). I have sever depression and anxiety. I also mentioned to her only last week about my previous relationship and what she has described from her perspective gives me relief I ended it. I didn't think what he did was emotional abuse (how naive of me). Why do I keep questioning my decision to end all contact? I'm my own worst enemy ?.
I'm in limbo - I love him so dearly, but I know if I forgive and forget like I have done multiple times in the past he will no doubt do it again. And then I'm left heartbroken and beaten down. All I have been doing is allowing his excuses and condoning his bad choices. And that to me is absolutely BS I know first hand I shouldn't be treated like that.
We don't have any children together but he's raised my boy from a young age. I feel I've been a huge hypocrite especially when raising my son to be respectful, honest and loving human being - then me allowing a person to disrespect me, makes no sense ?.
I've been condoning my ex's behaviour for far too long and I feel done despite loving him so much at the same time. I just can't find a way to detach myself from him as he finds a way into my life (with manipulation, blaming, confusion, stupidity, tells the truth, pours his heart out to me, tells me how much I mean to him and at times cries etc).
I also feel stupid writing this as it's a no brainier, I know what I should do but my heart is pulling me in his direction. Please help me!
TIA x
11 Replies
Get out of contact with him. Move on. No he wasted six years of your life he doesnt get any more. Theres no way it could possibly be the love you deserve. Put it in the past where he belongs.
There is no way you should take him back.
It's not just the sleeping with other women, it's the lying, the mind games (refusing to admit the truth and making you feel like you are crazy), the time wasting, and putting your health at risk (STDs). It's all a really big deal.
I know what it's like to be caught in one of these really toxic relationships. Where I felt I loved him like crazy and couldn't be apart from him. It took me a long time and some counselling to break myself free. I found I was really addicted to the drama of it all. All the anxiety etc became my normal and I really didn't feel right or attracted to someone unless there was 'tension'. I really did have to go hard core and stop contact with this guy, no matter how much I wanted to be in contact with him. Because shit, there was nothing good that could come from us interacting. I don't know if you relate to any of that, but get yourself some counselling, create knew patterns, and get that guy out of your life. He's like 'love heroin' not good for you.
I can relate & thank you. I feel at times I need to be reminded of my worth, it's so frustrating. I tell my friends and family their worth and yet here I am associating with someone who makes me feel worthless.
You're so right. I need to stop all contact, take control and get him out of my life! For good.
Thank you so much xx
Nope. 6 years of dicking everything else to realise the worth of what he had? In all honesty, I'd go so far as to say he misses having you do everything for him while he was out dicking said everything else. No fucking way, not even a nod of recognition in the supermarket.
I only hoped he'd own up to it sooner, instead I find out snippets throughout the years, like i was a child being rewarded with treats for behaving.
He sugarcoated so much and for me to end it, walk away this year, he now wants to be honest. I know within myself I deserve better, even without seeing it first hand.
I feel so silly writing this as it's a no brainer and would be giving my friends the same advice. And here I am doing the opposite, love is blind and I only have myself to blame for that.
Thank you.
You know he is only being 'honest' in the hope he can reel you back in and control you again. It's like an abuser who suddenly wants to change when there partner leaves. He changed for long enough that you take them back, and then they are up to there old tricks again.
It's not silly at all, it's pretty bloody normal unfortunately. What you'll need to do is go through all the steps of grieving the relationship in order to move past it because he cannot be the man he led you to believe he was, and you deserve the type of man you wanted him to be.
No part of this is on you.
He isn't the type of role model you would want for your son, I'm sure!! You know what to do! You are worth so much more than someone who cheats & lies & doesn't care for your health. x
Hi anonymous, I've been in 2 1/2 year relationship with a man who was manipulative and angry from week 6,ezcused his anger with blaming past relationships etc but ultimately 2n half years on has pushed me twice, subjected me to verbal abuse almost constantly controlling me with the egg shells he laid around me and our relationship. I adored him, he was my perfect man.. But he was no man at all!, I am struggling today, crying all day over what almost was and could have been if only.. But.. It wasn't!.. That's the point.. It wasn't.. So so hard to let go of our idealistic life we had in mind and what we knew it could be if only he would... But they didn't.. N they won't,. Walk the path that you know is sure and solid even if it is alone for a while, but never ever accept a man jot treating you as his queen, I am trying to be strong despite missing him and his beautiful children that u got so close to. I do deserve a loving kind man, and so do you x stay strong for your future sanity. X
I'm going to go against the grain here. you do have two options - allow him back in OR turn and run. I understand that you want to allow him back and if you honestly believe that your demons can play nicely with his, then give it a shot. You have to decide and only you can do this, will you ever trust him to be completely honest with you. 100 000 0000 million percent transperancy to the point where you can look at the time and say yep that is where he should be, phone him and he is where he says he is. If you think he can do that, give it a shot. If you can't, or you believe that you will never be able to trust him again, then run as fast as you can. Its ok for you to tell him I still love you - I can pick that by what you have said in your letter, but if you can't trust him and he cannot apologize for his behaviour, then you have no option but to say I love you but I can't do this. It is so unfair for him to blame you for his actions and until such time as he can man up and apologise and admit what he has done, I don't think you can play nicely. There is a book available "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass - deals more with emotional affairs than physical, at the end of the book is a list of coping strategies for both staying together and doing it on your own. Suggest you read it before you have any more contact with him and BEFORE you make a decision as to which way you go - best of luck :)
Right so first off... I'm sending you a big squishy cuddle!!!! ??
You said it all...
you love him, you want him, sometimes you feel like you need him... but that's all in your head and heart!
You don't need him! You are woman!
You want him because you are use to him being arond,we are creatures of habit!
You love him.. Gahh do you or do you love the person he could be?
All things I questioned myself??
If a friend were telling you this story, what would your advice be? If it's not ok for them, it's not ok for you!
I felt the same in my abusive,cheating relationship... till I got out.. it wasn't for months and months later( maybeeven years ) that I felt like I was doing the right thing...
it was a viscous cycle of repentitive cheating and being made to feel guilty for his mistakes!
Not enough sex, putting on too much weight, having a baby... all my fault!
Therefore he had to go else where!
You do deserve better!
You deserve someone who loves you for you and you love them for them!
I don't believe you can keep loveing this man after all the hurt he has done to you!
Despite the songs... love isn't supposed to hurt, it's meant to make you hapoy!