Experienced one of the most embarrassing, heart breaking moments today. I feel like a total failure.
I took my kids to the local shopping centre to buy them one much needed warm nice outfit- 1 shirt, 1 pair of pants and 1 pair of warm shoes each. It's a cheap shop. With the exception of birthdays and Xmas, they don't get new clothes very often so you can imagine the excitement.
Then we get to the checkout. I'm watching the price add up (mind you, the dearest thing was $15). My heart sinks. I can't afford it. I have to turn to my beautiful, excited babies and holding back my own tears apologise to them and say we just cant afford it. I still had dinners to buy to get us through until pay day, and put fuel in the car so they can get to school.
Before anyone attacks me saying I should have known we couldn't afford it before getting their hopes up, I thought we could. I didn't intentionally set out to disappoint my children.
To their credit, they handled it well. The disappointment was obvious but there was no questioning it, simply nods of their little heads and quiet "ok mummy". Which makes me feel even worse. Like they almost expected it.
It breaks my heart. I feel like a total failure. It's not so much about the material side of it- it's the fact I could see the excitement turn to such sadness. What mother can't afford to buy ONE cheap outfit for her kids. I have no issues telling my children no, and don't give them whatever they want whenever they want. This was a rare occurrence for them and I failed them.
I don't really know what the point of this post is. I guess I am too ashamed to talk to anyone in real life about it so the anonymity of IM is my safe space.
ETA- yes I have looked at the local op shops but they don't have a lot a the moment and what they do have is more expensive that the shop brand new! It's ridiculous. I have also looked at second hand stuff on various local pages but rarely is there anything in the sizes I need (mostly it's baby stuff for sale).
Normally this wouldn't be an issue- I could afford it. However recently we have had a change in circumstances which means our finances are stretched to the max covering bills. It's only temporary but it's still a kick in the guts to disappoint the kids like that :(
ETA- the store we were at was Kmart. As I said, dearest thing we had was $15, the rest was $7 or under.
14 Replies
Do you have any op shops around you, they usually have fill a bag days where you can fill a normal shopping bag for between $5 and $10 and most of the clothes could pass as brand new they just don't have tags. I've been there. I've suffered in silence and I've also asked others for advice. It's not something you need to be embarrassed about but you do need to find a way to afford the necessities. See if you can get some help from community services such as a food bank, buy home brand foods and steer away from fast food outlets.
You're doing your best and no one can get upset with you for that but there is no shame in asking for help when you need it.
Oh babe. You are not alone, my kids hardly ever get new clothes. They get some winter woolies at tax time and cool comfies at Xmas. That's it!
I know how embarrassing it is having to put things back at the checkout, it's tough. Just last week I had to put $8 shoes back that my daughter desperately needed because I lit was $8 I needed to use elsewhere, so I totally get it!
I second the op shop idea, I'm always checking my local Vinnie's, the kids stuff is amazingly priced (I love that it's recycling too, we waste so much. I read somewhere that half of all clothing manufactured in Australia makes it to landfill). My best purchases from Vinnie's so far have been a peppa pig dress for 20 cents and a vintage cabbage patch doll for $2!
Also, do you have any local fb kids buy and sell pages? Or even a 'pay it forward' pages, or local mothers group page - where you could ask for very cheap or free clothes, yes some bitches probably will judge you but you will be overwhelmed by some peoples generosity. Don't ever be ashamed to ask for help, it's not weak to need it and it shows true courage to ask for it.
You are so not a failure by the way, in fact it sounds like you're raising great kids. Kids that are greatful and appreciative who'll grow to be kind, compassionate and generous I'm sure of it xx
I third the op shopping and FB group idea but, see what they have and maybe get all of the shirts and pants from the op shop and then budget for the brand new shoes or switch it around based on what you can pick up. It's a lifesaver on the budget but they still get something new. Don't discount the department stores either, I just paid $7 for a brand new Peppa Pig long sleeve tee for my niece and a cute long sleeve tee for $5 for her cousin marked down at Target. Plus if you know someone with kids a bit older than yours don't be embarrassed to take hand me downs. My son is 18 months younger than his aunt so he wore her hand me downs for years, pretty much until about 5-6 when her clothes became a bit too girly for him. I work full time now so clothes aren't a problem anymore but those early years, between hand me down clothes and op shopping I had an adequately dressed boy, and seriously they grow out of their clothes so fast I could never justify the cost of brand new unless it was a special item I bought as a present.
Yes! Kmart is excellent for kids clothes, the basics there are super cheap.
I find it unfathomable that some people spend $40 on one brand name item, I could probably get 20 items at an op shop for that!
It was Kmart :( the dearest thing we had was $15, the rest was $7 or under. No issues with hand me downs, but we don't know anyone with kids the same age or older.
I know what you mean.
Even thought Kmart stuff is cheap individually, it soon adds up. Especially if you're buying for more than one child. Would laybying be an option?
Keep your chin up & I hope easier times come your way xxx
We have 5. A lot of stuff we use hand me downs from the older ones to the smaller ones, but some things don't last as you probably know! I normally do a lay-by, but they needed these couple of things (especially the shoes) asap. It's not even so much about the actually stuff though, it's about disappointing my kids.
Yeah I get what your saying, I promised my kids that we'd go to the movies in the holidays (which is like a once every 18 month treat, if that) and the way my finances are looking, it's just not gunna happen. It sucks and I feel guilty as hell about it but disappointments are a part of life unfortunately.
Don't be too hard on yourself, these things happen. One day it will all just be a distant memory xx
My son used to love getting a bag of "new" clothes from the neighbor's older boy when he was younger, he wore an ugly tracksuit top for years, he thought it looked like a cool motorbike jacket ?
We moved interstate and kids all teens now. I miss that village/community feeling from when they were little and ppl helped each other out. I wonder if ppl don't offer hand me downs these days for fear of insulting someone?
Kmart is often cheaper than the op shops around here, but if you were registered with Vinnies or Salvos, do they help out with free clothes? A lot of folk struggle in the area I live, it's nothing to see a post on a community FB page asking for assistance, and wonderful to see many generous souls helping out. We help each other cos we know how it feels. Don't feel ashamed or guilty. Just get more resourceful! If you got your food staples from a food bank, or you lay by stuff on sale, or you sell any unwanted things on buy swap sell pages, or you post on your local page asking if anyone needs/would like to offload clothes for boy size x and girl size z, etc. With luck you find a cashed up mum who buys all the latest gear and upgrades every season, and you end up with an arrangement where she continues to pass along clothes into the future. ☺️Think of it as helping Mother Earth, recycle, reuse, repurpose. ?
I cried the first time I had to use my kid's bday money from grandma. A few times I've paid for a doctor or paediatrician appt on credit card, (which always sit close to max limit) then put the rebate back into savings a/c so I had some money. I've had to limit my outings so as to stretch my fuel over the fortnight. I've borrowed from family members many times over the years, then I set up a regular payment schedule. Shop around re insurance, power, gas, etc or ask utility providers for better deals, extensions, and make regular payments, avoid late fees. Contact school re payment plan of fees or reduction due to hardship... Anyway, I'm sure you're doing all this and more. You just need to know you're not alone, you love your kids, you're doing the best you can, and it sucks when we can't give our kids what they need. Have a good cry, dust yourself off and onwards you go xx
BTW IM, you're far from a failure. A failure can't be fucked dressing her kids, not despairing over finding herself unable to pay for some new clothes. You're a resilient, resourceful mother and you will find a way to get them what they need. We've had years of the wrapping paper on presents being worth more that the gift inside them, of duct taping shoes to get a few more weeks out of them, of bathing in a plastic tub to save on water because we couldn't afford to refill the tank. Tough times pass. Fake it til you make it mumma
Reach out to your local buy sell swap, community group or mums group. Ask for winter wardrobe and say gender and size. I feel people will be happy to help you out. You could do it this weekend and sort it and give them the good stuff. This is what I do, then you see what they are missing ie) one needs boots, one needs a jacket, and thats waht they get, and then you can splurge on it, or still get cheap ones, or get one this pay one next and youre done.
There are really good finds in op shops. My kids are young but love them because they find so much random cool stuff but also because I actually say to buying things.
You can lay by clothes at Kmart. The kids won't be as disappointed as they still get the clothes at the end. You are doing a great job though and you need to be kinder to yourself. Most kids would have chucked an epic tantrum but your kids accepted the situation gracefully. Be proud of them and yourself.
My most memorable moments as a kid were searching the house for lost coins so we could buy bread for school lunches and getting so excited at tax time when dad took us to the shop and told us we could pick an ice-cream. We were so excited but all picked up paddle pops (which back then were 70c each). You should have seen the joy when dad told us we didn't have to have paddle pops. That we could pick any ice-cream we wanted! We replied "even a magnum?". We all got a magnum that day! Haha. But my moral is, we were poor growing up but we had two parents who loved us and we had everything we needed. And we are not scarred. You are not letting your kids down, the worst thing that will happen is they will appreciate their new clothes just that little bit more when you can afford them. Chin up, you're doing a great job!
This is us at the moment too. We've always pinched the pennies but not quite as bad as at the moment. Just know that you aren't alone in the struggle. I too have had to do this but at the supermarket as well. I too keep it quiet as I don't think people would understand. It's nice to see we aren't alone.
Xxoo