Ive seen a doctor, im not depressed and physically/mentally there is nothing wrong with me.
Do u ever get days where you dislike even hate your children??
I recently started working in aged care. 4 days a week i only see my children for about 2 hours before school and on the weekend (my girls are 5 and 1.5)...most mornings im insanely frazzled and stressed by the time i get out to do school drop off. Im relieved to come home with no kids.
My 5 year old is very very intelligent, but her attitude is shit and i find myself resisting the urge to smack her in the face everytime she backchats/rolls eyes/sticks tongue out/ says no to me. I DONT SMACK MY CHILD (for everyone is instantly horrified by my above statement and are frowning and shaking their heads at whatever device they are reading from)
My 1.5 year old is i guess normal. She doesnt talk yet which is beyond frustrating (she says around 4 words) the doc told me to see how she goes and cant do much until she is 2. She constantly gets into the fridge, cupboards makes and incredible mess, i spent my weekend cleaning margarine and sauce off my walls and carpet as her sister let her out of my bedroom at 5am (miss 1.5 doesnt sleep in a cot anymore) and i dont believe in the use of baby gates or locks.
Most days i dont want to face the day of insessent whining, crying and whinging and endless "mum". I get about 3 hours of sleep a night and i would kill for more.
I dont hate my children, but i really hate them being near me, touching me, grubby fingers and dirty faces. I hate that my entire space is constantly invaded. I try not to leave the house with both kids, a trip to the library or park is almost impossible as my 1.5 yr old is a runner with no cordination or depth perception
Ive had people suggest babysitters or friends or family to get a weekend away but i only see my kidd for a bit on the morning and on weekends so its not fair to ask others to watch them. I also dont have any family or friends so it wouldnt matter anyway.
Ive struggled more since i started working in aged care...i go from very tall demanding children to my own little demanding children. There is no break in people demanding my time and attention and honestly its exhausting. Its not a simple case of changing jobs....i need an income and i cant look into further study until my youngest is in school.
Im 25, and most people think im late 30's. I dont wear makeup (i cant wear makeup as i break out on pimples and get itchy skin no matter what i use) i always look tired, i have a boring hair colour. I cannt use any sort of face creams as they all make me breakout. I feel like an ugly frumpy disgusting person.
I understand that a feeling of dislike or hatred is not normal, I love my children but i hate them being near me.
My children get hugs and cuddles and affection from me so before everyone gets on the bandwagon saying i dont deserve my kids and u feel sorry for my kids etc, my kids are loved, fed and well cared for. But i just feel a sense of extreme dislike these days.
Sometimes i feel that my life would have been better without children. I never planned to have kids. Both my children are contraception babies (1 with the pill and the other the implanon) abortion wasnt an option and neither was adoption. I feel all sorts of wrong, just this intense dislike and need to be away from my kids. I dont enjoy my children, i dont enjoy doing activities with my children. I really feel like a negative boring horrible mum.
I dont know how to change my mindset. I dont know how to enjoy my kids. I just dont know what to do to make my household happy.
33 Replies
No, you aren't a terrible mum, but some changes need to be made.
I don't think any or us like having locks and babygates. But guess what they make our lives easier and keep our children safe, and stop us wanting to murder our children because we have had enough. Sometimes they are just a necessity and our beliefs don't come into it.
Like harnesses did children. My beliefs don't matter, having a safe experience does, and being able to get out of the house is important for sanity.
The nursing home doesn't like having locks on all there doors either, but it's about safety.
Compromise on that one thing and suddenly there will be one less stress in your life.
I never used baby gates or had locks with my 1st. I compromised the baby gate in my bathroom recently but i just cant bring myself to lock my cupboards and fridge. Just as i would never put a harness on my child. (She would physically scream non-stop until i took it off) she hates being restrained. A car trip longer than 15mins turns into a toture session of her screaming and us trying to drive safe.
It doesn't matter what you did with your first, they are different children who need different parenting. Fine if a harness doesn't work for your child, but get the locks.
Number 1 child is not the same as number 2 child.
I'd also be finding a new GP. You sound like you are struggling and even if you don't qualify for clinical depression he should have referred you to a psychologist/counsellor/social worker.
I'd also be pushing for a referral for number 2 to a peadiatrician and psychologist. There are wait lists even in the private system and by the time your child gets to the top of the list they will be old enough to go through assessment procedures.
You need to get past what worked for your first. Every child is different and needs different parenting. I can guarantee what works for my son won't work for 10 other children. I can guarantee what worked parenting me, didn't work for my sister.
You need to find a way to relieve some stress and tension in your household. Take some pressure off of your pressure cooker. Having locks won't damage your child.
I agree with what ur a saying, but locks are an expense i cant afford anf if i get them i have the same issue 6 months down the track. Ive already seen a peadiatrician for my youngest. She is the one who said not to stress about speech until she is 2 as her understanding of tasks and what-not is fine as long as she doesnt regress.....im pretty sure my child doesnt need a psycholgist tho.
I have seen a counsellor and therapist. They have never been a benefit to me. I know how i feel, why i feel the way i do. Im not depressed and i sorted my anxiety. I simply dont like being crowded or having my space invaded. I cant deny my kids the right to be near me.
I think youre oversimplifying this. Your original post wasnt that you dont like touch, its that life is too hectic and youre exhausted and not coping. Your feelings are in reaction to the situation. They are a common reaction for mothers when life gets out of balance. I would not be putting this in the permanent basket - there are ways to change this please dont close off your options.
Get the locks, in 6 months time you might not need them as the child might have learnt not to get in the cupboards. I think you are making life harder than it needs to be for yourself by putting up roadblocks, I do this when I'm over tired. I can't see the wood for the trees.
Things that I've done is create a sanctuary in my bedroom. My kid has learnt that's my non-sticky, no-go zone. When I need a moment that's where I go.
A child psychologist can help with parenting strategies that work with your children. They can help you create a bit more balance of your kids needs versus your own. They don't actually work with your child at all.
Whoever told you this isnt a mental health issue is so wrong. No you shouldnt hate your life and your kids. Do we all sometimes? Yes. Is there things we can do about it to change the balance so we dont? Yes. Definitely. Go to see a psychologist they will be able to help you.
When i went to the psychologist i had the same problem, life not working for me, exhausted but felt too guilty already to put her in care on the two days i had with her. The psychologist talked me through that. If youre exhausted and its not quality time, whats the point? If they could be with someone else, safe, and you could be getting sleep and resting your mind, catching up around the house, then you could have a lovely afternoon of quality time. There is no way thats bad for them. Then you will have the energy and patience to engage and teach them these things you need to to support your low-boundary philosophies. If youre not doing that side of it, its a recipe for disaster. Its all about balance and taking care of yourself first. Dont make decisions out of guilt.
My 1.5 year old goes to daycare 4 days a week. My 5 year old is in school. Daycare doesnt run on the weekend. I get up at 7am school days and drop miss 5 off and miss 1.5 gets picked up from school. Im childfree from 9am 4 days a week. I dont get home from work till 10:30 so from 9am i dont see my kids until 7am the next morning. Their dad gets them from school/daycare and does the night routine.
So youre child free from 9am until when? When do you get a goof, decent sleep? You do all the mundane childcare tasks, but do you ever feel like doing fun things with them, and enjoyable things for yourself as an adult? or do you find you dont have the energy for it?
9am till 2. I normally clean during this time, make beds, vaccime mop etc (everyday) do shopping and whatever else is needed. I then go to work till 10:30pm. Im not in a financial position to do enjoyable adult things. I enjoy a shower without my kids nagging in the bathroom.
I dont get a good decent sleep EVER. Ive never slept well. I might have a nap during the day but i normally find other stuff to do instead.
Youre exhausted and dont enjoy your life, I dont know how any bldy could say thats not a mental health issue. Thats what mental health is. Sometimes gps are really clueless about this, other times we cshoot ourselves in the foot by demanding everythings normal and just 'the way it has to be'. Please PLEASE give a psychologist a shot. This is what they do - help you with strategies for thinking but also with arranging things practically so you make your life work for you. Living like this honestly its no wonder youre exhausted and hate everything, I would too. Its no reflection on you as a person or as a parent. It can definitely be managed and improved with some changes.
Ohh your miss 5 sounds like my miss 3!! And boy oh boy some days I extremely dislike her.. I don't want her near me etc I'm lucky that in those moments my partner steps in and gives me the much needed break.. I think you need a break from being a mum and there is nothing wrong with that.. But from what you have said I do believe that you may have a mental health issue and see another gp or going to your local hospital and ask to see mental health.. Nothing wrong with asking for help
Get a second opinion regarding your MH. It does sound like something's not quite right
Tired, exhaustion and possibly depression, all one rolled into one. 3 hours sleep, with possible depression, ANY person hate their life. You are still doing what's required because deep down in your heart you LOVE them. You are trying to push through, but it doesn't work that way, you need help. If you can put them into casual care one weekend day a week (not sure if this is possible or hire a babysitter) it would change everything. A day to just relax (forget housework) and something to look forward to during the week. Get the gate, get the harness, put the 5 year old in time out, go home and have a cuppa during the week before you pick them up (if possible), do whatever you can to just get through! No more rules about parenting!! Nap on the weekend when the little one does and put the 5 year old in a safe space with a movie, lots of little things all out together will make the world of a difference and seriously see another GP, you need mental health help. As they get older, it does get easier.
I assumed you were a single mum doing it alone, get hubby to take kids one day of the weekend. This changes everything, I think you need to talk,to hubby and get a plan together, you have another person who can help, shouldn't be this hard.
Got a partner. He works 7-7 on the weekend. 3am till 1pm during the week. With me being gone from 2: 30 - 10:30 we sort of see each other in passing for about 20mins.
There is no "other person" to help. I dont have family, his family lives too far away. Cannot afford babysitters and i dont have friends. Life shouldn't be this hard or complicated but thats just the way it is in my life.
Have you tried to change shifts or jobs? It really shouldnt be this hard, what youre doing just isnt working. And youre still struggling financially too? What about cutting down your work? You need more life. More happiness. More quality time and quality relationships. All that only comes with time, and on good sleep.
Also, whats up with sleep, is there a reason you cant get to bed by 12 and get a seven hour block in. Its not amazing but would sure make a difference to the 3 hours youre currently getting. Im guessing him going at 3am wakes you?
Also does all this shift work wake the kids? Not getting enough sleep could be a very good explanation for their behaviour too.
I thought you were all alone with no time to yourself but if you went to bed earlier, you could get a decent sleep, or is the baby waking? Then is it right, you get 9 until 2 every day child free? Just trying to understand your situation and what the issue is.
Yes i go to bed around 11:30 when i finish at 10:30. My partners alarms go from 12:45am -3am which wakes miss 1.5 up. Thats knly because she sleeps in bed with us. I then have to settle her back to sleep. But she is usually up again at 5:30am. I might be in bed for 6 hours but i dont sleep well.
I also have horrible nightmares, so i quite often wake feeling like i havent slept at all. I cant take any form of sleeping tablets. I do t think i have ever slept properly
We arent financially good because we have an insane amount of debt to payback. We are looking to be financially stable by january next year.
Ive thought about doing a different shift but i dont know any babysitters that will show up on time at 5:30am.
On the days i have 9-2 free i complete all the household tasks and shopping and get ready for work. Occassionally i just watch tv and have coffee but its rare as i find other stuff to do.
Yes 9-2 free is great for you but you cant get a decent sleep in then. You never have long enough to get decent sleep. Can your husband sleep separate and be quiet? That seems very inconsiderate. Youre waking every hour or two and working late shift its insane.
It's a pretty easy solution, you have plenty of child free time during the day to get stuff done (which most of us working mums don't have), you just have to get the sleep sorted. You just have to sleep separate from hubby for the time being so not to wake up bubs.
Vacuuming, mopping and shopping are things I do once, twice a week max, they aren't every day things. Maybe lower your expectations of the housework and spend more time relaxing a bit.
Also I just realised you only just started this job? I think nightshift takes its toll on anybody, it will take a while for your body to get used to the new routine, its still new. If you already dont sleep well, its going to be extra tough on you. You will need to try to find ways to make it work, or eventually, decide if its just not right for you. With young kids, shiftowkrijg husband and sleep problems - theres no shame in that. Your sanity has to come first.
You just have got to have good things to look forward to. Right now it seems youve got manic school run, then some alone time but no money, then work then no sleep, woken by husband, kids, then do rinse and repeat.
You can do enjoyable things that dont cost a lot. You can also find the 5-10 dollars to do something. A yoga class, a coffee out meeting people, rent a movie, buy a bottle of wine, chocolates, a face mask, foot spa, nice soap, paints, wool, etc etc.
You have to be doing something enjoyable and have something to look forward to.
Also as a single working mum of a toddler, I get interrupted sleep constantly I wake up with burning eyes and start the day, but i cope. We're pretty amazing what we can do, but we need to take care of ourselves. when their dad has them I get a good sleep, once every couple of weeks and that makes all the difference to me. If he doesnt, like recently it was five weeks straight of no sleep and sickness in there too, I was on the verge of losing my mind. One big catchup sleep a week or even fortnight makes a huge difference.
Yes I agree with above, a catch up once a fortnight helps. Also you may be struggling with the kids because you have become a bit disconnected as you don't do dinner, bed time, bath time etc as you say, you only see them a few hours in the morning. I remember when I had a toddler and my ex had him every three weeks for a couple of nights,I found it really hard to transition back into parenting because I hadn't been doing it for three days. I think you have to make an effort to do things with the kids at that valuable weekend time. You don't need money to do fun stuff at home and whilst you don't feel like it, you need to fake it until you make it. Once you connect with them again, the behaviourmwill probably improve too. Try not to see them as work, try to change your mindset, laugh with them, joke with them, sit on the couch with a move and popcorn, go for a walk, cook together, read stories, you will be surprised what a difference it makes to their attitude. Simple stuff to start with when you don't have the motivation and are tired, like just sitting on their bed in their room chatting with them whilst they play.
Some of these things sound so easily fixable. Get a baby gate on your kitchen or child lock on your fridge. It is nothing like a harness. If you feel frumpy go see a dermatologist, try new make ups, get new clothes, dye your hair (these can all be done on the cheap) take your kids to a fenced park so they burn energy and cant escape. You sound like you're making excuses. Who gives a fuck if there's a bit of margerine on the wall. You barely see your kids as it is, you need to enjoy them. Kids sense these things.
I totally get you!! Yep, many days I also just don't like having kids, & all the work, requirements, responsibilities, expectations, guilt-trips, etc etc that go with it!!
I think you're burnt out! You need a break and a good nights sleep. I've definitely had days where I've felt like life would have been better, easier and more fun if I wasn't a mum but I am so I'm just trying to suck it up ha. Not saying you need to do that, I just think you need a break, a rest and some extra help. Soon your babies will be older, at school and things will be easier. Good luck.
I too had a child while on the implanon, my partner were in a long term relationship and I didnt plan on having kids any time in the near future, our heart was set on travelling and being young. I can t say I know what you are going through but I can tell you it took me a long time to come to terms with being a mum and the first part of my motherhood journey was incredibly daunting. My daughter is now 5 years old and during this time I have been faced with many challenges/hardships and debt, during this time I have always assured myself that I am fine, that everything is fine and only very recently when everything came bubbling to the surface did I realise that at no stage had I taken any time to truly deal with an process what had happened and how that had affected me.
Please be kind to yourself and seek a second opinion, talk to someone with the tools to help you understand what is going on and give you knowledge on how to overcome this, you owe this not only to your family but to yourself as althought they are well cared for and loved, kids are incredibly good at reading you and it still blows me away how much they pick up on everything you are feeling. Its okay not be okay, you are not a horrible mum, you are human.
I think it's great you have taken the right steps and seen a GP, it must be hard for most in society to accept that maybe not everyone loves/wants children, (it does not automatically make you mentally ill) but it happens and sometimes you don't realise until it's done, it gets shoved down girls throats all your life that it cannot be possible to not want kids.
It doesn't make you love or care for them any less but it can be a lonely realisation that perhaps it's not for you, but here you are, loving them, working and providing for them,keep at it.
There's some good advice from others in terms of perhaps managing their mischievous moments so I won't go there.
Good luck, I truely know how you feel, and it's ok, sounds like you are providing them with what they need.
Oh love, I have been exactly where you are. You need a holiday....on your own to re-group and re-charge. Prefrably overseas if you can afford it. Get things to look forward to, like a facial, a holiday or a catch up with friends. My life is lived by me looking forward to sonething. If I didn't get away every now and again, my kids and husband would be buried in the bush somewhere. Your skin is not great because you are obviously stressed. Can you fit in an hour walk BY YOURSELF early in the morning? Or join a gym? Exercise is a great mood improver. I walk for an hour everyday on my treadmill. Saves my sanity.
Hey, I know exactly how you feel. I have 3 born within 4 years (the oldest currently 6 youngest is 3) I also work full time. I feel bad sometimes because I spend all morning yelling about getting ready then school drop offs... I use work as a respite ( my job slightly differs from yours as I'm not a direct carer however I am on the computer and phone all day coping a use from clients) by the time I am home I just want to rest and sit quietly.... but then its dinner time and bed time... which involves more yelling! The weekend is my time to catch up on the cleaning.. while I yell more about going outside and letting me finish.
I have learnt that I need to let go, let my kids be kids.
I hate dirty walls... the amount of times I've cleaned drawings off the walls would astound you. My 6 and 3 yo have attitudes while my 4yo has ocd and anxiety and gets distressed at the drop of a hat.
Last year I went away for a weekend.. just me ... and it was great! It was the time I needed to sleep and recharge and do adult things.
I also realized... I don't always need a clean house (I'm an organise freak) but I have found it easier to do little cleans throughout the week and keep the kids out of the house.
I have moments where I feel I am a horrible mum and my kids deserve more affection.. and they do, so set some time and do something with them, even if it's reading a book at bed time, get snugly on the couch and watch a movie, spending that quality time :)
"Let kids be kids" - this helps me let go of the little things
If you would like to chat I would be happy to xxx hope this helps