Hi IM,
This is going to upset a lot of you I know but please give me some advice to help me.
Last year I ended a long term affair with a married man. We were seeing each other and fell totally in love. I know some of you will automatically think I am the worst of the worst - I offer no excuses because I know what I did was wrong. I was going through a hard time and this guy and I met when I was at my lowest. Still no excuse
I know.
After two years of him promising to make us work and end his marriage he decided not to. He basically said he wanted the status - quo. Me on the side and that it was too hard to end his marriage. I went into a deep deep depression. He said he loved me but he could end his marriage. He asked me to stay as his girlfriend and maybe when his kids left home he would change his mind. They were 19 and 18 at the time.
I begged him to choose me. We said we loved each other still and for a while I accepted it. Then I couldn't anymore. It was too hard on my heart. I felt used and betrayed by him. I asked him again to pick and to do the right thing by both of us - me and his wife. He said he didn't love her and he saw a future with me. Just not yet. After 2 years I was very hurt.
I said I couldn't do this anymore and I had to end it. He claimed again he loved me still.
To my forever regret and shame what I did next has haunted me for a year. There has not been a day go by that I have not regretted it.
I told his wife.
I did it out of anger and hurt and a desperate desperate need to end my own rejection and hurt. I now know that in doing this I actually hurt an innocent woman and her kids. I feel borderline suicidal at times knowing that I could have been so evil. As soon as I sent her the message I regretted it. I have nightmares about her finding out. About telling her kids. My shame is so great that at times
I want to end my life.
Now it is coming up to 12 months since I did that and I feel like I need to apologize to her. We have never spoken but in anger he told me that she left him and I was evil and to blame for his wife leaving. I have never spoken to him again since that day.
I saw him once briefly and he looked terrible like he had aged 30 years and he had no wedding ring on. Mutual friends who don't know about our affair have told me that he moved out and she and him are divorcing.
I am in pain at the thought that I could actually destroy someone who was innocent. I know he told me they had an unhappy marriage and she was not always nice to him. But that is just his take on it. Might have been lies. Even if it was the truth it was never my place to hurt her over that.
I wanted to hurt him. And in the process I ended a marriage and probably hurt 2 kids and countless other people in their family.
I hate myself.
I self sabotage myself everyday with doing bad things to make my guilt go away. None of it does though. Over time this has never gotten easier. It just gets harder. My putried loathing of myself is slowly killing me. I am one step Away from being so reckless that I can't come back.
I have only ever told one friend about our affair and she has stood by me. She has listened but she said I need to forgive myself but I can't. I hate myself. And my life. I can't change what I did and it is killing me.
The one year anniversary of me telling her is in a fortnight and I have this overwhelming urge to tell her that I am sorry. I think about it constantly. I have written her a letter in my head a thousand times. I want her to know that I am so sorry for what I did to her. I want to say that I am sorry for the affair and that I should have just ended it with him, and left her alone.
Please help me. Should I write to her or call her. If so what do I write to her and say? Should I write to her adult kids as well? Should I leave her alone?
How do I get past this or do I accept that my life is forever stained by my evil nature and that I need to live with my shame until I die?
25 Replies
I think you just need to try and move on. You regret your actions, you know it was wrong. You don't need to punish yourself forever, you don't deserve this pain you're inflicting on yourself.
And, you didn't hurt an innocent wife and children, he did! Sure, you told her so that you'd be momentarily vindicated but really it sounds like you did her a favor.
As for seeking her out and apologizing, it is a nice gesture but I really think you should leave her be. Rather than seeking forgiveness from his wife, you need to forgive yourself.
Her finding out was probably for the best. Yes it sucks what you did but at the end of the day it was her husband that decided to cheat on his wife. Did u make him cheat? It was his choice. So his ended marriage is a result of him cheating. If it wasn't you it would have been someone else he cheated with.
At the end of the day you went into this relationship knowing there was a wife involved who would potentially get hurt, and you mentioned multiple times you wanted him to leave his wife. Sounds like the wife was always doomed for heartache. Just move on from it and learn from it.
Look into getting some professional help to help deal with what you are feeling.
You really need to move on, for her sake and yours. You contacting her will just bring up all of those emotions (probably much worse than you're experiencing) from finding out and she doesn't need that. As above, you need to forgive yourself and not seek her forgiveness. I doubt she'd give it to you anyways.
You need to see a psychologist too, you need to deal with what you are experiencing and talk to a professional. It's only temporary and you need someone to help you out. They won't judge you and will offer ways to cope.
You telling her is not what you should be feeling guilty about, chances her she already seen all the signs but didn't know for sure until you had messaged her.
It was the affair that ruined their marriage, and you are both to blame for that. For him to try and put the blame solely onto you because you told her is not fair.
It's time to get yourself some counselling. The fact you mentioned how bad your ex looks tells me that you have a confused thinking.
What I can tell you about guys who have affairs
1. They can be very manipulative and persistent
2. If it wasn't you it would have been someone else
4. The only person who broke up his marriage was him
His wife was owed the truth, I'd want to know if it was my husband.
You forgot number 3 😀
3. He's a prick
Firstly good on you for actually having empathy for the wife and kids. Yes you played a part in all of this but he was the main game player he was the lying cheating instigator that led you and his family on he wanted his cake this man is a tool and deserves all he gets I'm sorry .. I'm not excusing your part but I think you did the right thing in telling her . It would have hurt and I am sure she probably had no idea what he was up to it's all one big mess but you really do need to stop hurting yourself over it . You need to say ok it's done and I think you did right by her doing it he clearly has no.moral compass and well he deserves all he got he is a pig who did not appreciate you or his family therefore deserves nothing . See how hurt he feels now get on with your life learn from this and stay away from other people's happy and get your own as you would not like this happen to you and now you know what to avoid beating yourself up will make you I'll even worse everyone deserves forgiveness but not him let him rot
And I would write that letter and tell her how you feel she may hate you for it but it may also give her some closure I say do it and send it and start your life . As I am sure she will never get ato sotry from him
Don't contact her or the kids again. Let them move on. You definitely made some questionable choices but you know it was wrong and are regretful. If I was the wife I would have no regrets about finding out my husband was cheating. No way I would want to be walking the earth totally unaware. Him choosing to cheat is all on him because he is the one that owes his wife loyalty not you. I think you need to sort out yourself and seek support where it is needed. Apologising to her will not help you forgive yourself.
We ALL make mistakes in life, none of us are perfect but you can't hate yourself forever. I'm very worried about your mental health, I think you need some counselling to help you move on from this guilt and forgive yourself. You're not a monster, you just made some really bad choices but I honestly think the best thing you did was tell her, there is redemption right there. Although your motives weren't the best, you have given this woman the chance to find a good man that will treat her how she should be treated. Their marriage did not break up because of you, it ended because a husband/father had an affair, he is responsible for what happened to his family. Do you have kids? I think you owe it to your family to get well and be the best mother/wife you can be, that's how you make up for this. Goodluck xxxxx
The truth is that what you did that killed her and broke her home was done for the two years.
now you need to move on. Leave her alone and stay away from him. Move on. They cant helpyou do that.
I think you are looking for her forgiveness and I'd say if she couldn't forgive him, she wouldn't forgive you either.
If I was the married woman and you had done this to me as heartbroken as I would be, I'd prefer to know so you did the right thing there.
Chances are, if he is capable of cheating on her he would be capable of cheating on you too, which essentially he was! He did the wrong thing by both of you too.
Please don't contact her, she can't and won't give you healing or forgiveness. You need to do that for yourself. A year has passed, it's time to let go and move on.
Don't contact her. She has enough on her plate without having to deal with that.
YOU need to do it, it won't help her. Write the letter, get it all out, then ceremonious burn that letter and put it to rest.
Then get yourself into counseling. You have some issues to work out - apart from the guilt there are reasons why you allowed yourself to be played for so long. I think you need to address them and get help mourning your actions so you can move on.
Being in the same type of relationship as you, partner was married, after 9 years the wife found out, then within two weeks of her moving out I fell pregnant. I was hated by everyone, but he and I are still together, his wife has moved on, they divorced, and his adult children have accepted me.
My advice is to leave ex alone, let everyone move on and make yourself happy. You did right thing in telling wife. But if you and him aren't together and aren't looking at even getting back together you need to move on yourself.
Maybe try some counselling if your having difficulties.
You had an affair for 9 years????
I wonder how you could trust someone that had an affair with you for 9 years?
To the IM leave the ex wife alone, like someone else said, if she wanted to talk about it with you, she would have. Please get some help from a counsellor/psychologist to work through your feelings.
Oh my god. Wow! This was very hard to read. I feel for all people involved in this.
So you told her out of anger. Rather than what? You wanted her to find out another way? Like when he chose you and left her? Either way she was going to be hurt. Would you feel sorry for her then? Would you feel the extreme guilt you feel now?
I'm not saying you did the wrong thing. I think you've done the right thing. She had to know. It would have been better coming from him but he was never going to give her that respect.
You've done wrong but honestly I think you've punished yourself enough. I wouldn't contact her as I think it will just open up old wounds. Let her heal.
As for the ex. He said you were evil?!?! WTF?!?! And you were to blame?!?! You partly were but he took no responsibility for his choices. His dick didn't fall into your vagina by accident! Sorry to be crass but seriously what a dick.
There is a really good quote that comes to mind here. It's over 400 years old:
A man who studieth revenge, keeps his own wounds green, which would otherwise heal and do well ~ Francis Bacon.
You're seeking revenge in a way - on yourself.
You need to find a way to forgive yourself. Seek help. You can't keep living like this.
As someone that has been cheated on, I'm glad you told her. I do hope you did it as kindly as you could, but just telling her is important. If you are to apologise, apologise for the affair. Do not apologise for letting her know of it. Also, don't leave it too much longer as she doesn't need this coming up in years to come. Let her move on from it all. Do not expect a positive response. You can only say sorry. How she takes it is her own thing to deal with.
Please seek help. You need to be supported also. You did something wrong, but that does not mean you are evil. You need to accept what happened and move on with your life.
Please please please go see a therapist. You need to stop punishing yourself. It won't change anything. It's done, you regret it, now start to heal and move on. It's like you're still in the relationship with him, hanging on via the drama/excitement. Get to the bottom of why you got involved with him in the first place. A good therapist will help get you to a place of peace and acceptance. As a good friend and therapist said 'accept the unacceptable'
I tend to always see the good in the bad situation. I see what you did as a good thing. Yes it resulted in hurt, but you were feeling deeply hurt, yes you struck out, BUT, because of your actions, you managed to permanently end the affair, (cos the piss weak two timing asshat couldn't/wouldn't) and you gave his wife the truth/proof. Who knows how many affairs he's had, or how many lies he's told her over the years? High chance she was miserable, and finally, as her kids are now grown up, you helped her make the decision to end it, once and for all. Let the woman get on with her life. Now you do the same. Don't seek her out. If it's meant to be, your paths will cross down the road some time in the future, or not. Your work here is done. By all means write your apology letter, then have a little burning ceremony, burn any letters or cards from him as well. Let.It.Go
You're human sweetheart. We all make mistakes. I don't even like to refer to anything as a 'mistake', it's just life's experiences, and choices we make along the way. It's what we learn from those experiences that matters.
Now say this often and regularly:
I'm sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you
This is more for you, to say to yourself, but you can send your intentions out into the world with it as well xx
My dear friend my heart is so sore for you
Yes what you did was wrong but in no way does it compair to what he did
In no way is it youre fault their marriage broke up i dont want this to leave you feeling un wanted but if he didnt have an affair with you at some point he would have had another
Just like yourself this women would have needed time to heal i think that calling her is going to be hard she probably isnt going to have anything nice to say but in her heart she knows his betrail was his own and not yours we say things out if anger we do not mean so if it was me i would do both i would call her and be prepaired for the phone call if a life time but also back that phone call with a letter from youre heart
This women needs the truth and she will not get that from him
There is always three sides to a story yours his and the truth and for her sake and youre own you all deserve to find the truth
I hope you can bring yourself some closure
You are not a home wrecker
You are not a whore
You are not some evil person who deserves what they get
We are all human we all make mistakes and we all need to live love and move forward
💙
The one thing that its seems no one has touched on that i also think is something for you to consider is your physical safety.
I can tell you right now, as the adult child of a father who crushed my mother by cheating with his thing who knew all about my mum and didn't give two shits? If i see her, even 3 years down the track? I know my reaction wouldn't be civil. I'm not usually a violent person, but in this instance, what her and my father did to my mum, and having to hold my mum for weeks and months as she came to terms with fact that her entire 30 years of life had been a lie, it made me so angry to the point of total destruction. Her children may feel the way i do. Hell, the wife may even be murderous. But I'm telling u as the child of this situation, if that woman tried to contact my mum and reopened these wounds, i would fly off the handle in a very dangerous way...
Your safety may actually be of concern.
I know this feeling cause I was you once to, you didn't wreck a family he did!!! Seek help, heal yourself, write the letter but burn it and with that let it go, don't contact her she wants nothing from you and you will only get more heartache, it's time to heal and become that beautiful woman you once was before him x
Please see a councellor.
Yes, you enetered into a relationship with a married man, you know this was wrong.
Yes, you told the wife and yes she was hurt (as anyone would be when they found out their spouse was cheating) HOWEVER you also freed a woman from a marriage where she was not respected or loved. You were able to give her the facts and SHE made the choice to divorce the man. You did not make this choice for her.
While you told her out of spike and hurt from what he did, I do actually applaude you for coming clean to the wife. She did deserve to know (personally I would want to know if I was being cheated on)
It was the man's choice to start looking outside of his marriage and unfortunately for your own reasons at the time you also chose to be an active participant in the affair, should he have not looked outside the marriage in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.
Do not contact her, if the wife wants to, she will seek you out. Go talk to a councellor, find peace with yourself and know you deserve happiness.
The children are old enough to know the facts of their parents divorce and you did not ruin their life, he did by begining an affair - if it wasn't going to be with you then it would have been with someone else. Regardless the children will go through pain and grief over their parents divorce, that is natural. Leave them to deal with it with their family and support.
Be prepared that if the wife and kids know who you are they may approach you with anger, it is a consequence of your actions. They have a right to feel hate and anger towards you, after all you knew all about them and continued the relationship. They do not have the right to harrass or physically attack you. Be prepared to be disliked/hated but also know that you can grow from this experience and I think you already are from the remorse you feel for the wife and kids. You have felt guilt for almost 12 months, it is time to forgive your own actions from the past and make changes and choices to move towards a happy and positive future for yourself
And if anything is to gain from this, know you deserve to be much more than a secret girlfriend. You want someone to want you as a first choice and not a back up.
And next time a married man approaches you tell him to fuck off.
Hi IM.
First of all, *hugs*.
Secondly, please comment on this post if you're ok. (Hopefully you haven't harmed yourself since posting).
Just letting you know, you didn't break up their family. You may have been a contributing factor, but the husband broke up his family.
If he wasn't cheating with you, it would have been with someone else.
If I was in the wife's position, no. I would not want to hear from you. So please don't get in contact with her.
What you need to do is get to your GP, get a mental health plan which gives you access to Medicare subsidised psychological help.
You have severe depression and suicidal tendencies (reckless behaviour). You need help.
Please stop beating yourself up, what's done is done. Time to move on. You've obviously learnt from your mistakes.
Okay. I am a wife that was cheated on by her husband. The affair was almost a decade long.
To cut a long story short, yes I was devastated, my kids who have just become adults themselves know the truth behind our divorce now as well as discovering a half sibling resulting from the affair.
The 'other' woman and I are now friends.
She spoke about experiencing the feelings you are talking about. But do you know what? He had fed her incredible lies, and went to extreme lengths to prove his lies ( ie making fake birth certificates about 2 our children naming see someone else as a father - ( told her I'd been sleeping around ) as well as making a false divorce certificate trying to convince her we'd divorced.
What I'm trying to say is, you have no idea what lies he has told her, you have no idea how he behaved towards her.
So unless you know what has happened with them, you feel even worse.
My husband's other woman also found out that I had been in a DV situation under constant all forms of abuse, and although devastating as it is for a marriage to end, I had no ill feelings towards her at all. None. Zero. She too had been fed far too many lies and been abused mentally too, with his mind games.
You are asking whether to write to her.
I would say go for it. Say what your heart feels and give her your number and leave it open for her to make the choice to take it further.
You just may find out that you've been carrying a burden for a man that had the two of you at his beck n call.