Hi all. I'm sorry if this gets long and complicated, I'll try to write this as best as I can, I am feeling so many emotions at the moment it's hard for me to get across what I'm trying to say. I am pregnant with my second child. My husband and I have decide not to find out the sex of our baby (whitch has pissed a lot of people off but we don't care). I am finding more and more that I am terrified of having a girl. It's not that I don't want a girl, I would love my daughter just as much as my sons, it is how my family are already carrying on. Myself and 1 other family member are the only ones to have small children, we both have boys. There is a certian family member that goes on and on constantly about having a baby girl in the family...
- "Oh I would love to have a pink one not another blue one"
- "this time it had better be a girl"
- "you will just have to try again if it's a boy"
You get the picture (these are the nicer comments)
Now, there are other family members getting on board. I am not a girly girl. I'm not into fashion, hair, make-up, shopping etc. I'm getting comments like I need to call a certain family member before I buy any clothes so I buy the right ones, or now I have to start acting like a girl otherwise I'm going to screw up my daughter, and so forth.
Part of me is wondering if I'm being overly sensitive, part of me is pissed off at the constant comments and no matter what I say noone stops (now I ignore them but that doesn't work either). I have anxiety and these comments are really getting to me. As much as I try to not let it, they are relentless. I cracked it at them a few days ago and now they are shitty with me.
On top of all this I am also worried for my sons. When my sister was born I began to get treated differently, and then when my brother was born I was treated differently again (and not for the better) - I was ignored, told to go away, they were given presents and got to go on outings, etc. I'm worried about how these people will treat him if I have a girl (they play favorites) I do my best to not have much to do with these family members but my family are huge on get togethers and it's a big deal if we don't go or don't stay long. I am very aware and try not to put my anxieties onto my sons. But I am honestly scared that they will get treated like I did if I have a girl. I know I cannot control how other people behave and I speak out against this sort of behavior (which then bites me on the arse because they don't like that I do - again I don't care)
What do I do?
Terrified of having a daughter
Terrified of having a daughter
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Baby & Toddler
17 Replies
I totally get this. When I was pregnant with my second I was praying it was a girl as I already had a girl. I don't understand why so many people are obsessed with wanting pigeon pairs, I was part of a pigeon pair and I hated it! My brother and I had nothing in common and did not get along well at all. Same-sex siblings definitely share a closer bond from what I've seen. So I wanted to give my daughter the sister I never had and always wanted. But I had everyone tell me "bub will be a boy"...well she wasn't! And yes people got shitty and made comments and said I need to try again. But I am loving the fact my girls are so close. I hope you have a son for your sake, but I know you'd love the baby either way. Try not to let the comments get to you.
It sounds like your family are more than a little obsessed about gender! I strongly dislike any obsession with gender. I'm one of those people who believes gender is pretty meaningless and wouldn't fill a baby nursery with pink stuff and dresses just because I was expecting a baby who had a vagina! I'm not against pink but just don't think everything needs be pink and princesses.
I think what ever gender you have your family are going to be pretty difficult and that probably means distancing yourself from them. If they throw tantrums because you didn't consult on clothes, that's there problem not yours.
I'd also take some time to get yourself some counselling. It can be hard work managing an over involved family. It can take some serious effort to set up boundaries you are comfortable with, that allow you to maintain contact without them making your life difficult.
Believe me, you don't need to be a girly girl to have a girl. Your girl will have her own personality, she may love princess dress up or climbing trees, you will treat her as you do your boy and buy her the stuff she is into, she will take the lead. I know how you feel exactly! Think of it like this, let's say your son is into ninja turtles, does it bother him that your aren't lol? Of course not! I particularly don't like the really girly mums whose daughters are all into makeup, nail polish, clothes from a young age (nothing wrong with a little pampering fun like this, I mean the ones that it is their whole world and they don't like to get dirty), I think they have so much time for all that appearance stuff when they are older. The parents also make a rod for their back as their girls start demanding brand name clothes only. If you have a girl, she will have her own identity and just like your little boy, you will base what you do and buy her on her own interests and tastes.
Do some meditation, focus on shutting all of that out and just focus on you and your baby. You will be a beautiful mum and wont let any of that bullshit affect your family and your kids the way it did you. Your kids are lucky you are sensitive to it. Youll deal with it when you have to. It wont affect how much you love your children though.
I thought I would have boys but I have girls and they are the best thing thats ever happened to me, once youre holding your baby and its yours, nothing else in the world matters. Focus on shutting that extended family stress out.
We are in the exact same boat! 100% exactly the same!! You aren't alone - no advise but I've just brushed it aside and never let it get to me!
I cant comment on the same/different genders other than the fact that i have a pigeon pair, we have a complete 50/50 in genders on both sides of the family so it was bound to happen and we get so many comments about how we dont need anymore because we have one of each. Sometimes i think it would be cool if i had two the same but thats not my point.
My comment was for the fact you said "not girly enough to have a girl" DO NOT THINK YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. My mum wasnt there to teach me how to act 'pretty'. My mum taught me how to be a good person and make good choices. I became girly by my own choice. She doesnt wear makeup, i do. Daily. She doesnt wear heels, i do. Daily. She hates shopping. I love it.
Nevertheless. My mum is my best friend.
If you have a daughter you will teach her how to let comments like this roll off her back and do her best at anything because its enough and its what her mum would do. Best of luck mama xxx
I have a pigeon pair and don't get those comments but instead get "You should have more, it would be great to give your kids a same sex sibling"
Your family members are being ridiculous!
How does one even buy the wrong clothes for a baby, I can guarantee that a baby will not care what colour their onsie is! I'm guessing this family member is one that expects baby girls to be paraded around like a doll, dressed up in fussy head bands and flouncy dresses...
Try not to let the negative comments get you down. I had a pigeon pair, when I started telling people I was expecting my 3rd some of the things people said to me were un repeatable. I even had a friend of the family suggest I had ruined my life, it's hurtful when it happens but it says a lot about the type of person they are.
People need to realise that a baby of either gender is a blessing and stop imposing gender stereotypes on them before they're even born.
All children, regardless of gender, will have different personalities. They'll like what they like and have different interests.
The only time parenting a baby girl differs to a baby boy is when you're changing nappies lol.
That is nuts! I was part of a pigeon pair and actually really didn't like it because my brother and I didn't get along at all so I kinda hoped I didn't have one myself no offence to anyone who has pigeon pairs but I would have loved for my parents to have had more kids...I don't understand why anyone would say you ruined your life because you decided to have more? I bet your children don't think that way and are happy to have a new sibling.
I was young too (had my first at 18, 2nd at 19 and 3rd at 21, kids are all school aged now) so that alone made people think it was OK to say whatever they wanted and give bullshit unsolicited advice.
People can just be unashamedly callous and rude!
All 3 of mine are close, I think all family dynamics are different though, my son's pretty happy being the only boy (mainly because he'd have to share his room if he had a brother lol) I'm sure a small part of him yearns for a brother though, just as I yearned for a sister as a kid, I have only 1 brother 5 years younger so I always felt a bit lonely, it's probably what made me want a big family (though sadly, in have to stop at 3 for health reasons).
I always find it stupid when people ask if you're going to try for a pigeon pair, like how exactly do you do that?
I don't know about others but I didn't get a say in my kids genders haha!
I know exactly what you mean. When we had our 4th (3 girls already) my hubby and I were hoping for another girl. And the comments from everyone about having a boy was exhausting. When we found out we were having another girl everyone else was more disappointed than us and were geniunely surprised when we said we got what we wanted. I even think when we told my mil she cried with disappointment. Then we get the" are you going to try for a boy. " umm no my family is complete and im not just going to keep popping out kids till i get a different sex. (Like really?!?!) Unfortunately i dont have any advice on how to deal besides being really blunt telling them to back the fck up and you will be happy with another boy.
Wow really your mil cried??? That's way over the top! Healthy baby should be all that matters.
I know your pain,
My mother wished for a girl from the very first grandchild, everyone my sister and I had she was generally disappointed that it was a boy, after 5 boys between us my sister had a girl.
As you can imagine the boys were totally forgotten and the girl had enough clothes and things for 3 babies
8 months later I had another boy, but because there was already a girl, my son was forgotten a bit, didn't get near as much attention.
When I had my 4th child I was generally scared to have a girl, I wanted a girl more than anything but I also didn't want my boys to be treated differently or forgotten, I mean it's not there fault what their gender is right? Well number 4 was a girl, and that did happen, not as bad as the first grand daughter but my girl did get more attention and things than my boys
I ended up having to put my foot down and say something. I hated it, now the first granddaughter is the most spoilt in the family still tho
Put your foot down early and make them realise you won't put up with having a favourite
You do not have to be a girly girl to raise a daughter, I'm a tom boy and my daughters act girly half the time and like tomboys the other half. Rather than focus on raising a girl focus on raising a good person, they will develop their own likes and dislikes all on their own. As for consultation on clothes it's your child regardless of gender so dress Bub in what YOU like while they are little and stuff what others think
Your family sounds highly opinionated and full on and ridiculously obsessed with gender sterotypes.
Do you know what? Stuff them!
Screw their opinions on how to dress her or what she plays with! Seriously if you do have a girl, can you dress her in batman constumes at these family gatherings just to stir them up? Haha!
If they give her gifts and not your son, you take that gift and hand it back and say VERY abruptly unless you have something for both of them we wont be accepting this. My husband actually had to do that with his own mother once because she bought my husband's biological son a birthday present but not his stepson (both my children). He said to her if she couldn't treat them equally she wouldnt have the privilege of having either of them in her life. She never forgot his step son's birthday again.
If they can't get the message, ypu just distance yourselves from them because if they just cause you anxiety and act like dicks, then really is there any benefit of them being in your lives?
Be assertive chick! Offend them if you must. Give them something to whinge about haha.
Good luck to you and whatever your precious baby is, he/she will be a blessing.
I have 2 sons and a daughter and I would literally have a dozen boys over girls any day.. she is hard work like really hard work. I love her to bits but my god shes high maintenance!!!
Unfortunately it won't stop we pregnant with #3 we decided to find out when we told friends and family a few said to us oh well you'll have to go for #4 to get another girl. I have a friend who has 3 boys she had a friend come up to hospital to meet baby and instead of congratulations she oh well maybe next time lol they where actually really happy and excited they had another boy!
What you need to do, is stick up for yourself tell people you dint care tell them you'll love him/her regardless of gender. As for not being a girly girl you most definitely don't need to be girly to have a girl I'm not I camp go 4wd'ing, shooting, fishing, but daughter loves getting all dolled up doung her hair makeup (pretend) pretty dresses. She loves shoes handbags jewellery princesses and babies but she also loves cars trucks diggers running bike riding and climbing trees.
Regardless of you have you know your baby will be loved and wanted by you and hubby goodluck just take a breath ans enjoy and if you do get a daughter and people treat your son differently don't be scared to stand up for him remember as mama you are his nunber 1 advocate.
Best of luck with it all. Xx
They sound like a bunch of shallow abusive assholes! I would def be limiting my time around them, and how they react to you is on them. You can only express your feelings truthfully, and ask them to refrain from all the carry on. Tell them it's not helpful and if they can't stop, then you can't be around them.
What the fuck difference does it make, whether it's a boy or a girl. The child will be an individual. A girl doesn't equate to wearing pink, doing nails, wearing make up and going shopping. My daughter hates pink, wants a ute and is studying science at uni. One of my sons will wear rainbow sarongs and he likes my perfume ... Sure, you can try to squash a child's individuality and make them fit a stereotype but at what cost???
I moved interstate from my family. I'm different, my kids are different and there's nothing wrong with that.
My advice to shut them down - tell them it's a boy 😘