So I'm a new mum with a 2 month old baby ... I absolutely love her to bits, she is everything I have always wanted! I go to her as soon as she cries, we co-sleep, breastfeed, babywear, do attachment parenting.... I mean I feel I'm doing everything right in regards to nurturing her and a healthy emotional development. BUT... Since she was born I occasionally have these thoughts. Less frequently now but still worrying and make me feel really anxious. They've always been about things happening to her like "What if I fell down the stairs when she was in my arms?" "What if I lost my grip on her on the balcony?" "What if we got into a car crash?" "What if she chokes on spit up in her sleep?" And the most panic inducing one, usually when I'm just drifting off to sleep, "WHAT IF SHE'S NOT BREATHING?!" *cue meltdown, poking her, waking up my husband in a panic... and then she cries* (But at least she's ok). But so usually they're thoughts about terrible things happening to her.... not ME doing terrible things to her. This was the first time. Please don't call me a terrible mother or say someone should call CPS or that I don't deserve my child...Because I already feel disgusted at myself. But here's what happened (and just know I would NEVER EVER do anything to harm her!!!) But so I was pretty sleep deprived and she was just crying and crying and I had tried everything and I was worn out and tired and I just wanted her to stop and be her lovely happy self again .... and this thought came unbidden to my mind. I feel sick even as I write this and forming the words are hard but... I thought about snapping her neck. So the crying would stop.............. And I feel like the worst mum ever. I feel I don't deserve her and that I am a terrible disgusting person and I couldn't stop crying when I thought this. This is the first anxious and bad thought I've had in weeks and I guess my question is.... has anyone else ever thought bad thoughts? And does it go away? How do you deal with them? Does this make you a bad person or mother or mean that you would act on them or is this just one of those crazy sleep deprived, exhausted thoughts from some hidden dark area of your mind?!
13 Replies
Hey! For starters I think it is fairly common to have concerns about things possibly happening to your child- when I was pregnant with my daughter and until she turned about one I was paralysed with fear that I would have a miscarriage, she would be born still, she would suffocate in her sleep etc
And I won't say your horrible for the second- you are obviously beating yourself up. But I will say that post natal depression can emerge at any time and show up in different ways- I think you would benefit from a chat to your gp about your feelings and see what they have to say. Good luck mumma I am sure you have a beautiful baby and sometimes we just need a break too- give bubs to hubby and have a long shower even you will feel better
I was like this with my children. I'm still paranoid about dropping little babies, even though I'm really experienced through parenting and work. If there is someone to give you a break, take it. Otherwise, when you feel overwhelmed put her down safely and walk away. Go somewhere for 5-10 minutes where you can recoup. Have a cuppa and sit outside or have a quick shower. Also maybe mention your fears to your GP/CHN. May be a sign of PND.
Not at all! So many women do not admit just how they feel when they can't get their baby to stop crying! Particularly first time mum's. I know two women who openly and honestly admit that they had serious thoughts at times about their babies dying or doing something to them because they were so overwhelmed. I think it's now important how you move forward - so you have someone to reach out to for some extra support? Even the maternal health nurse and just let her know how you're struggling and feeling anxious. There's special things you can get for under her mattress to check her temp and breathing etc!
I had thoughts like that. It's definitely a hard thing to explain that it popped into your head but not something that you would ever ever act upon. Anytime I heard about a child being hurt I would instantly get a flash image in my mind of it being my child whether it was car accident, sids, parent inflicted injury.. they were so vivid it was scary. When I was so sleep deprived I could almost understand how parents snapped - it's horrible. I still get these flashes but not as much and wasn't as bad with my second
Oh hunny, you are not a bad mother at all. These are called intrusive thoughts, not just the one about snapping her neck but the ones that make you constantly fear for her safety too (like falling off the balcony with her etc). We all experience intrusive thoughts from time to time, probably more so in stressful situations but when they're becoming excessive it can sometimes point to something else going on mental health wise. But that certainly doesn't mean you don't love your daughter or that you're a bad mum.
I think what you have described, you're possibly showing some signs of PND or anxiety, having a chat with your gp would be a good idea.
Don't be too hard on yourself either, you recognized this as an unhealthy thought, you didn't act on it. I think a lot of mums have probably been in your situation but it's not talked about because it's such a taboo topic and there's still a stigma attached to mental health issues, so that mums feel like they will be judged or shamed for having thoughts they can't control.
It's really brave of you to talk about this and like I said have a chat to a professional, they're their to help.
All the best Mama xx
1. The worry will never stop
2. I considered throwing my baby out the window.
You are NOT a bad mother. You DO deserve your child. It doesn't necessarily mean you have pnd. It could be that you are just fucking exhausted and needed a break. Cut yourself some slack, mumma. You're doing spectacularly xxx
While your thoughts and feelings are common, it's not normal. Please seek help immediately. There is various levels/severity of PND. You need support and possibly medication. Talk to your maternal health nurse or GP. Well done for reaching out! You are a great mum, do not ever doubt that. And great mums seek help xx
With my first it took over a year and a half for these thoughts to settle. I would also think about what if I died and they had to be raised without me. All the same thoughts as you too. What if something happened to them? Who would raise them? Nobody could raise them like me so how would they grow up? I would cry often and have anxiety. I now have my second and although every so often these thoughts rear their ugly head, I am much more in control of them and able to push them to the back of my mind. Sending you so many hugs. These feelings are horrible.
Yes I had these thoughts as well. I think it has to to with Post Natal Depression and the trauma of giving birth plus throw in sleep deprivation which is a form of torture, continuous torture will make you crazy. I had an underlying health condition Copper Toxicity as well, which I didn't work out till years later. I had anxiety, depression and felt like I was always going to drop my baby, plus had a few awful thoughts of harming baby (which to me is a coping mechanism of a sleep deprived brain) It got better as my son got older just sleep as much as you can, ask for help and take daily vitamins like Magnesium, Zinc and B complex to help with stress. If it gets any worse talk to a professional. These experiences alone turned me off ever having more children. My son is four now and it's much easier no more newborn/ toddler craziness
Hello 🤗 I will tell you, you are not alone. I had a fairly traumatic birth with my first born child and that "thought" that crossed your mind/ crossed mine also when bubs was 9 weeks. A flash of a thought about stabbing my child. I was horrified- it took me until my child was 2.5yo to even tell my husband of that horrible thought. After having my 2nd child I realised that those thoughts weren't normal and all the signs pointed to pnd in retrospect. Talk to someone hun, you're not a terrible Mum, this parenting gig is tough xxx
Glad to know I'm not alone in thinking something like that ! It's the only time it was ever a thought of me actually harming her (Which obviously I would never do it's really only ever been worries). But yeah I get those "flashes" too... Thankyou ❤ I was honestly expecting so many comments to be horrid and mean and condemning me for being a bad mother but everyone has been so supportive! I don't think it's PND because these thoughts aren't frequent or every day or even every week. It's just random. And usually I can just ignore and dismiss the thought but this horrified me.
Sounds like me 12 years ago. I barely slept when he slept because I was so paranoid about something happening to him. What if I crashed out completely and didn't hear him cry? What if he choked in his sleep? What if.. what if.. I was terrified I'd screw up and he would be hurt somehow and they (child services) would take him away from me even though he was my whole world and I would never intentionally do anything to harm him. For me personally I think it was in part a midwifes comment that by bottle feeding him I was making a bad choice for him (12 years , and 2 kids and 8 months of therapy later I know I made the best choice I could at the time) From then on I was paranoid. I think it's a pretty normal thing for first time mum's to go through, but in saying that I did suffer from undiagnosed PND (only figured that's what it was after it returned with baby #3). I would advise you to speak with your doctor or someone you trust if you're really worried about it, but just reaching out like this tells me you're a good mum and love your bun and want what's best for her/him. Xx
I had similar thoughts also with my first child. I was told it was anxiety and also post natal depression. Please seek help from your gp. Sometimes help is needed, either medication or counselling or both. Youll feel much better after seeking help and talking about it. I personally felt mine was caused by the responsibilty of caring for a newborn and sleep deprivation. Please ask for help