We have two beautiful healthy daughters, 7&5.
Believe me, I know how blessed we are.
I desperately want another baby.
My husband is the same.
We live in a nice home, have nice things. Financially we are okay.
But just recent I looked at private high school prices in our area. $7000 a year as a base, per child.
Primary school is $3800 per year for them both.
Our local public schools are TERRIBLE. In the news every other day, honestly it's terrifying how bad they are. It's just not something I'm willing to do.
So as is, we could JUST afford to send them both to private high school, lots of sacrifices would need to be made with the budget, but that's okay.
We can't afford to have Bub 3 and send the girls to the private high schools.
I feel we need to look after and prioritise the kids we have, give them the best chance at life etc, so we have decided no Bub #3.
I'm struggling with the longing feeling for another Bub.
So I'm reaching out, wondering how many other families have made the same decision for these reasons.
Does the decision get any easier?
I'm the type of person that could have 10 kids, im made to be a mumma. its a really hard decision.
Please know- we aren't snobs or anything like that. This decision about schooling for our kids is a realistic view of where we are and where we live.
With brilliant jobs and family support, we wouldn't move either.
I very much understand that this is a first world problem, no matter how much I tell myself this, my heart still aches.
Nasty comments aren't welcome.
I'm looking for support.
Ruling out baby number 3 to ensure my 2 kids get a good education
Ruling out baby number 3 to ensure my 2 kids get a good education
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt
16 Replies
A LOT can change in 6 years, I know you say you wouldn't move but it's always a possibility. Opportunities come up, things change, so don't rule it out.
As a child whose parents were exactly the same with schooling views - it made no difference attending a public school to private high school so good decision to not bother with it for primary years. I would have much preferred public for secondary, I wish I had have. The money I felt was wasted, I didn't need the education or private environment for my career path. What if the schools improve in the next 6 years? Get government funding and a major upgrade? There would be MANY many students coming out that are doing just fine - so I wouldn't rule out sending them there. What if they get a scholarship and then in 6-8 years you're regretting not having another child?
I think if another baby is important and your husband would also like one, you need to compromise and decide what really is best. You need to look after your mental state too!!
I think what you are saying is really smart. You need to prioritise the lives of the children you have over the child that currently doesn't exist (whether it be financially, mentally etc).
The school years are such a big time in developing a person and you wouldn't want your child to be bullied/into drugs/lack opportunities because you knowingly still enrolled them in a different school. I believe that the responsible thing would be to take care of the children you do have as opposed to the ones you don't.
In saying that they say you don't regret the children you have and also circumstances can change but perhaps with the way things are now may not be the time to start trying.
Actually plenty of people regret the kids they have...there are whole websites dedicated to talking about it.
Totally agree, plenty of people regret having children, it's just not socially acceptable to say it.
Plenty of kids end up in fostecare because there parents regret them neglect having kids.
Honestly I think private schooling is the way to go. I also have a child at a private school for around the same price. So I do get what you are saying and I'm in the same boat atm too! I think you should only have a baby if you are sure, you don't want to regret it...it's better to regret a child you didn't have than one you did have. Sit on it for a few months and see how you feel about having another but don't rush things for now.
I think you are being super smart. It would have been very easy for me to have more babies because of the urge when in reality the one was what I could realistically afford when you added in things like kids expecting extra curricular activities, being able to afford some private health care (which turned out to be a huge sanity saver in our case), and we did end up having to pay for some private schooling.
I generally love government schooling, but my sons basic needs were unable to be met at our local school.
Yes I have, i want to be able to travel with them, get them specialists they need, braces, etc. we may not even be able to afford private school but a third woukd still make a big difference. Then I dont really want another one and Im completely open to waiting until my two are grown to decide, although my age would be a factor then. Guess Ive just made the decision for now. If you really want three youll make thhe sacrifices to make it work.
If private school is important to you and you can only afford to send 2 then I think you've made a very sensible choice. It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it.
I have 3 kids and I know I'm done, so to speak but I still get that yearning. The impulsive part of my brain is like "go have 5 more babies" but the rational part of my brain is like "No, we wouldn't cope, financially, mentally, emotionally and physically". I don't know that the yearning ever really goes away but you learn to live with it.
I know a lot of people that keep having more and more babies without considering the effect it is having on the children they already have, so I think the choice you've made is actually very selfless and putting your 2 kids best interests before your desires. Who knows, your situation may change in the next few years and you may be able revisit the idea.
My niece was given a public education and her exam score was higher than my cousins private education score. The public school students got higher scores than the private school students. Private schools don't necessarily give better education if they did the students at the school should have been receiving higher scores than the public school but they did not.
I want a BMW but I can't afford it, I think you are being sensible. You have the amount of kids you can afford, end of story. It's like anything else, you can't everything you want in life and it's refreshing to see a post where these important things are considered. So many posts of people in relationships for a few months accidentally falling pregnant, we need more like you in the world.
I agree planning is good, but on the flipside, we all have a limit ln what we can afford, and if its out of reach, whether its private school, holidays, university courses, vehicles, jetskis, clothes or pets... But we dont sit around crying about it, it just is what it is. Once youre in that situation, youre not going to resent part of your family for missing out.
I only got to have one due to circumstances, I just had to get over it. I was sad, yes, but that's life, you can't look at what you don't have, you need to look at what you do have.
I'd use that money to move out of a shitty area
I'd love a third child but like you i am thinking about what i can afford. And I'm basing it on where i am now because that is what i have to work with. The future is uncertain and who knows what may happen. I have recently moved to a small town that had both a public school and a private school. I was all set to send my children to the public school-i was a public school child and had no issues at all-but sadly 80% of the feedback i received about the public school was unpleasant. That's not good enough for me and its not good enough for the education and future opportunities for my children so i am doing what i think is the right thing by these beautiful little souls and sending them to the private school where all i hear is amazing things and they have the potential to thrive in a more nurturing environment and build a better base for themselves. There's no harm in that. I can't think about the 'what if' children i don't have. I have to champion for the ones i do have and if that means not having any more children to ensure i give the ones i do have as good a start in life as i can afford them, so be it. I'm in awe of you actually. It's putting your children ahead of yourself and your own wants and it's to be commended. My heart still yearns for another child and i can't honestly say when and if it goes away but i am happy with my decision.
I think because you've said you're not having number 3 so you can send your kids to a private school everyone is just concentrating on the whole public school v private school. I completely understand what you mean though. I went to a private school when my parents were together then when they separated I had to change over to the public school and it was an extremely rough school. No rules , teachers are scared of students. kids getting bashed ect ect...needless to say my grades dropped so bad I dropped out half way through and just went and got employment.
I have been in your position before and it's not that easy to just get over wanting another child. Our issue was also financial but just more everyday costs. Luckily we live in a good town that has 2 fantastic public schools so having to find money for private schools weren't an issue. After a year of telling myself I was done it got the better of us and we had a 3rd child. Best decision ever. Money really wasn't as bad as we thought in the end either. Maybe look at other options to send the children to the school ? Can you pay it off slowly ? I used to work at a private school & the amount of parents whose children had been finished for years and they were still paying the school fee were heads !! Or get a job at the private school then you will get half price school fee's !
If your eldest is 8 years older than your youngest, you won't have all 3 in school at the same time for very long??! Worth thinking through - maybe you could afford it if you start putting away money now for those few years of overlap xo